Is Your God Silent? Are you?
Before I got sober at the age of 55, I was trapped by an ice storm at an abbey near Dubuque, in NE Iowa. I don’t think that’s a coincidence. There are no coincidences. I’m beginning to see that in my life, anyway, there are only events that cause me to choose. I can choose to take the climbing path towards Him or I can choose my own descending path… It’s what I believe. My choice.
According to my journal, that stormy week I spent time in the wisdom of Murray, Merton and Manning. A continuous thread throughout the readings was the topic of prayer.
While at the Abbey, I joined the services every few hours, sometimes even getting up well before dawn. I am not Catholic, so I was frequently lost while trying to follow the liturgy during the many times of communal prayer. After blurting out when it was not my turn to be responsive, I learned to just follow silently—not an easy thing for a public speaker, once English teacher.
This was the perfect metaphor for how lost I was in prayer, period. I was well acquainted with conversational prayer and comfortable praying aloud, in groups or even leading prayer in front of large gatherings. What I wasn’t comfortable with was…silence.
It was this week that I first started to practice silence in my personal prayer. It seemed like an oxymoron. Wasn’t I supposed to be talking, here? No. In my readings, I kept bumping up against the idea of being silent before God. Coincidence? I don’t think so.
I already believed that God wanted to love me, to comfort me, to guide me, but I was not able to experience it. I couldn’t feel it! It wasn’t for lack of trying. I tried. I did. It wasn’t working. It was like my God was silent. Why did I feel that way?
It seemed that I was already isolated from God, so with the three authors recommending that I try silence, what did I have to risk? He wasn’t talking, why should I?
I tried coming into the presence of my God with silence–not with my words; with my heart–not my head. I tried doing something that I now call practicing the presence of God. Me, just being still, being aware of His love. I was seeking His love and His will. I wanted Him in my life. For the first time, I really did. I was getting desperate. I was becoming tired of living my life according to me. I didn’t know it, but I was being led to a new path… one that would call for the sacrifice of old ways and a program of new ones.
This willingness to be silent was a new willingness to be dependent. After a few weeks, this confidence of God within fueled my outward dependence on Him. I think it’s actually the principle behind Step 2, don’t you? I was finding a right relationship with God. I was tiring of the intellectualizing faith that had given me information without relationship. God was in my head, but not my heart. I had God, but He didn’t have me. Not yet.
The God of intellect displaced the God of our Fathers. ~ Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, 2012, p 29 Step 2
I gave up drinking less than a month later. Coincidence? I don’t think so.
~
PS: It wasn’t until I pulled this journal from the shelf that I discovered when I started to practice the presence of God. Have you tried it?
Karen– Welcome to GoodLIfe! We have such an interesting group of thinkers. I’m glad you joined us. Our hearts are learning… yes. Sit. Would love to hear you share any insights if you find something you want to discuss.
I just discovered your blog and this post. It’s like you were inside my heart when you wrote it! I will sit with these thoughts.
Caddo–I’m glad to know you and your poetic self. Thank you for the kind words here. If the clamps are on sale, I need one…maybe even if they’re not! Thank you for the compliments. I hope you are encouraged by the great group here!
Heidi–this is so beautiful, both the writing and the experience. It was quite meaningful for me, as I SO struggle with being quiet/silent with God–I’m just a 24/7 talker! But I did notice yesterday that I had made a bit of progress–so that was encouraging, and your sharing may impress it into place–so thank you! My online pastor has been doing a series on The Power of Words–Life or Death, and last week he spoke specifically to those of us who are “talkers”, including himself. He demonstrated how we should use our fingers to just hold our lips together, if we need to–he’s an excellent Bible teacher and speaker, and is often very entertaining, so I’ve learned a LOT from him. But I’m thinkin’ it might be wise for me to invest in a little C-clamp…
Anyway, I’m just so glad to meet you–thanking God for you in my life (via the blogs). May He bless you abundantly and continually, to overflowing–Have a great Mother’s Day weekend, too. love, sis Caddo
judikruis. A large portion of Goodlife readers are alanon or naranon. You support people are such a great part of my blogging experience! Thank you for clarifying and welcome. I hope you find encouragement here.
Wonderful post and yes…please share more. I could relate to much of Mel’s words too. I was bulimic before I knew there was a word for it. Years later the spiritual part with Jesus came from a different spot but at the same time as alanon…my spiritual relationship has been what has kept me from returning to those self defeating places. Another reason I like to paint…I get lost in the silence in a very good way.
Jen–I’ve emailed some thoughts to you. I have read about the silent retreats. I would love to try that sometime. It would be exceedingly hard…but the fruit? wow. Thank you for the generous comment. I encourage all to check out your site.
Jen–It is all good. Take care my friend.
Dear Heidi,
OK I have been ‘away’ saying NO in complete sentence form and I have missed so much.
That Abbey…. There is definitely something about this place Yes??
NOW THIS is my favorite post! I am deeply touched by the story of the storm and the Abbey and the miracle of sobriety not long after. THis is so beautifully written and such a powerful testimony to the power of prayer and silence. As a writer/reader I want to know more… why were you on the road? How did you find the Abbey? Did you cry?
I want to know more; public speaking? about what? When?
This is so full of answers and so full of questions.
I, too, find silent prayer (centering prayer is the Catholic version of meditation) to be the most intense and in some ways the hardest. I HEAR my God when I am silent. When I am jabbering the prayers, though it is calming, I am so NOT listening. (and even when I am listening it does NOT mean I will always act upon what I have heard. Human? Stubborn? stupid? all of them I suspect…)
I once did an 11 day silent Vipassana retreat: NO communication with anyone, not even eye contact. We sat in meditation for 11 hours a day. By day 5 I thought I would lose my mind: and I did. THAT was the whole point! Days 6-11 were all gift. It was an amazing and intense experience that I will one day repeat.
I did move from Head to Heart on day 5. Your post is a Beautiful reminder of that movement.
I am in my head. I am going to focus on moving back into my heart.
I picture the little cabin in the woods at the Abbey the silent and singular exploration of heart and God.
I am moved deeply by this; you are reaching deep and deep inside of you
and inside of us.
thank you for doing this. Thank you for letting us in that much more.
Heidi you have given a gift beyond measure with this post.
Love to you, Jen
Sean–I have been wondering if I should add some more thoughts about prayer and meditation or not. Thank you for the encouragement. I’m so glad you stopped by and took the time to comment.
Lovely. Thanks for openly talking about prayer and your experience with it. Very inspiring!
Jeff–I’m very glad to have you stop by. It is so encouraging to hear that the timing was good for you. I can’t really tell you what that means to me. I throw this stuff out there after praying about the topics and just trust there’s a use for it! Thank you so much!!
That’s a beautiful story. I’m gradually moving toward that type of relationship with God. I’m not there yet. While my devotional times are quiet, I’m typing a lot. I have yet to spend a lot of time just being silent, as you say, “practicing the presence of God.” Reading this came at a very good point in my life. Thank you for sharing your story.
Got it Heidi.
Susue–Thank you for stopping by. I fear we can find all kinds of reasons to not be silent before Him. I had to drink in order to ‘settle down’ enough to be still at all. Of course, then I was really trying to numb. I didn’t want to be quiet. Too much pain would invade in the stillness. Thank you for your comment. Let’s start!
Church– I want to clarify that when I’m talking about spiritual things, I’m not promoting church attendance. Many people in AA do end up in a gathering of one sort or another, but many more do not. I’m focusing on developing a relationship with God. Call it what you will. I am not talking about communal worship, though.
Beautiful and thank you for your honesty
silence in the Prescence of God – yes, yes, yes
someday we will all meet Him and fall to our knees in Awe!
why not start practicing right now?
God Bless you
susie
Mel– He is.
I know you pray for me Heidi. I feel terrorized to go to Church. I need to think about that. I feel as thought something is going to be taken from me rather than given to me. Frankly, i think i’m making myself spiritually sick with all this shit. I need to turn my freakin’ head off, and just live. I’m trying too hard … i’m pushing … so i’ll just put one foot in front of the other, and hope that someone is walking beside me in a kind and gentle way.
Mel– You’ve expressed your situation very well. I don’t know how to encourage you–which direction to send you or anything. Perhaps others will chip in. I do hope that you continue to pursue God/love and whatever is on your heart. I think the core of the issue for me when I felt adrift was that I felt alone. I hear that in your explanation.
“They are not about spirituality. They are quite SELF focused.”
Spirituality is the heart and soul of life for me now. If I’m not at peace with my God, I’m nowhere. That’s come at a huge price of giving up. I know He cares, Mel. So continue to listen. Continue to watch. Just the fact that you’re willing is enough. The only way for me to get out of the SELF focus was to face my fears and do the Steps. I’ll be praying for you. You know I do anyway, right?
I went to OA meetings in Boston 20 years ago. I didn’t speak up much. BUT i related to all the “stinkin’ thinkin’” and i related to the “letting go and letting God”. I had a sponsor, but we didn’t do a lot of step stuff. We mostly talked about keeping my food STRAIGHT and making sure i went to meetings, and reached out when LIFE made me crazy. I rarely had the urge to overeat and purge, but life seemed overwhelming at best: Always.
HOWEVER, i’m not sure i took any responsibility for myself, nor gave myself credit for working hard to put my shit back together. I don’t recall feeling gratitude as I pretty much had a hotline set up for the most depressed, suicidal people who were in my group. They called i listened.
Now i feel i’m sort of On My Own searching for a community of souls or souls with a purpose. Maybe i need to join a knitting group of ex-bulimics who have soul, not trouble counting calories.
Still, when i attended those meetings I felt safe and that i was among a bunch of people who thought they were OK even if they had “Life issues”.
We all had the common ground of “SYMPTOM RECOVERY” … None of us was actively doing our disease … no bulimia. We weighed and measured food, and i guess that was enough to make me feel like i had Community … and to me it seemed like God. Those people with the similar struggles. They’d speak in meetings, then we’d break up and be friendly, or not, but we “KNEW” we had each others’ backs.
Now, not so much. I feel i have friends, i have support. I don’t get much out of ED support groups. They are not about spirituality. They are quite SELF focussed. What i do for myself, what i do with my food. I’m not for it.
OA is not AA either. For one thing i never felt the attachment to AA for many reasons. I’d quit drinking for one thing, and most of the meetings were Hard Core steps and gratitude. I felt lost there.
So, what am i saying. I don’t know.
I have a life now, but i am missing something that makes me feel free and safe.
Mel–Give me more, girl. Tell me what you are thinking. Perhaps others might identify as well.
Why does the focus of AA hit me so hard? Am i sober from Food and on a dry Food Drunk?
Mel–I’m so glad you caught this one. I hope it inspires you a little. Following our heads, in this case is so dangerous. Good to have you here. Thank you for contributing again. Give the silence a try. I was shocked after a few weeks. I really think it was a precursor to my being able to get sober.
MT–Thank you for saying so and I appreciate your presence here so much.
Debby– I agree with Henry. It was a woman in AA that told me I needed to move my faith from my head to my heart. I was very angry when she had the audacity to tell me that. I had a systematic theology, a lot of biblical knowledge and had committed much scripture to memory. As you know, I don’t back away from studying! But I was clueless in this arena. This is the big reason that I’m so grateful for AA. It has helped me move that knowledge into my heart and into my practices. In my case head knowledge did not produce much fruit. Everyone who really knew me should have known something was amiss. Thank you for taking the time to stop by.
Heidi, such a thought-provoking post. My goal: Listen, be silent, and if i hear something DON’T TALK BACK or take control. My nature is not to fill myself with love, DUH! My nature is not to LOOK for love. Double duh.
I’ll be silent and pray that i recognize every day the love that surrounds me (in all forms) and be grateful for EVERY LITTLE THING. I have to. Like you, my head would drive me down the path of destruction if left to its own devices. The world is not filled with pink clouds and fairy queens … wait … sometimes. Thanks for this. m
Awesome post and testimony, Heidi. Thanks for sharing this… I have been inspired. God bless.
Heidi, you touched on so many things here. How many times I’ve watched Henry tell some of the men, “you have head knowledge, not heart knowledge.” True of all us at some point, I reckon. And silence….it can be the most uncomfortable thing for me. I find it’s easiest for me to be quiet in the presence of the men in the Center. But I need to practice His presence in others ways too. Wonderful post, my friend.