Step 3: I Can Skip This if I’m a Christian, Right?
The question I should have asked when I dropped into AA was, Is there a difference between step 3 and salvation for a Christian?
Initially, I didn’t ask that key question. Did you? Those of us who have a religious affiliation, can’t help but read the first three steps and filter the wording through that former set of beliefs. I say former because no matter what I believed or what I thought when I got ready to seriously take the Steps, I was building from there. We cannot stay exactly in the same mindset if we’re to expect progress. The Steps call for change, for healing, for the hard work of self-examination.
The steps were listed on a banner in the room upstairs at the club. I remember reading them as I was waiting for the meetings to get started. I thought, Step One, Two, Three–check! Now what the heck is Step 4 about?
I thought I came into the rooms on Step 4. The other 3 were a mere formality, since I had a systematic theology in place and had a ‘relationship’ with God already. I had no questions about those first 3. Did you?
If you did, then in some respects you could be more honest than I could be. I was dishonest to the extent that I was lying to myself. It doesn’t matter how unintentional. I was not honest. I got so sidetracked with defending my view of God that it has taken me years to get back to those initial steps and really look at them. The whole Higher Power and God of Your Understanding irritated me. This self-righteous attitude did little to keep me sober and probably became irritating for others who had to listen to me expound on my beliefs.
I already “knew” God and I could give you chapter and verse documentation on my salvation. I say my beliefs led to my dishonesty because I continued to lie to myself about my need for reforming the basic life view that landed me around the tables.
I knew the difference between justification and sanctification, but it got a little crusty in the practical application for me. For some reason I was not conforming to the image of God. My reflection of His image was becoming more and more diseased. I was at a dead end. In fact, I was just wanting to come to the end of life period. Hold on. Was I ready to come to the end of self? No. Not when I first read Steps 1 to 3. Thinking I knew it all was probably my biggest hurdle to applying the program.
In reality, the self-willed Heidi was so bereft of any God-like characteristics that I could no longer deny my false self, my hypocrisy, my barren life. My life had become as fruitless as a dried up, diseased and worm-eaten lone apple tree. Time to chop it down.
Being convinced we were at Step Three, which is that we decided to turn our will and our life over to God as we understood Him. Just what do we mean by that, and just what do we do? The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. ~Alcoholics Anonymous, 2012, p 60.
I previously posted my overly dramatic Step 3. So much more work is necessary. That was the breakthrough–the beginning. It is only now that I realize I need to take a really honest look at those initial Steps if I want to keep growing.
PS: I would imagine coming into the program with other belief systems might also lead to assumptions for those first 3 Steps. What is your reaction?
course, pisha!
Mel– How delightful that you took the time to stop by. Easy does it. Right? Good to hear from you and know you’re back and that you’re God inspired. I love that area of the country more than any other! I’m in the Texas dust bowl but my heart is on the NW coast for sure! Thanks for commenting and for reading.
Stopping in to say “HI”. Your new format has me confused … which is not hard to do. I have one foot in Alaska and BC and one foot in a Subdivision in Chicago … watering dead flowers … washing clothes and preparing meals for my sweetie and i. He’s at work today, and i’m slumming. After reading Debby’s blog i assume i’ll be doing the treadmill so i don’t feel too slummy
I had a great time on the floating resto and hotel. We saw SO much beauty, and all i could think was THERE IS GOD: GOD OF MANY TALENTS AND GREATNESS. It is IMMENSELY APPARENT in Alaska, Victoria, BC (Buchart Gardens, specifically) and Seattle. Let’s just say the Pacific Northwest, shall we?
I’ve missed my angels, and the good words … the hard work to be a good person of God. We had many opportunities to be patient, kind, accepting … and i did OK. Not great. OK. I must say … there are people who can push some of my UNPOLISHED buttons and i usually take out my frustrations on myself. Or i have a hissy.
Still, just saying “HI” … just a quarterback, not fully back … so i will get my arse in gear and keep coming back when i’m less on low-stress mode, and more into reality. Love, mel xox
The 1 Saved- Thank you for the nomination.
I have nominated you for the creative chaos award!
Heather–Welcome to our supportive community! There are some amazingly interesting people that drop by. Thanks for joining in.
Heidi, great blog. I always love finding a new recovery friend this way. I totally relate to this post and I see that Chaz visits you too. He’s so great. I was a Christian before I became and alcoholic and wrestled with having to refind God all over again. In case you ever want to stop by I’m at soberboots.com. I look forward to following you. Best, Heather
It IS a critical topic… Please post on this again! Your humble wisdom on this topic comes through like no other. You have much to contribute to the recovery community, Chaz. I really like how you say it. Anyone reading this comment of mine? Just go back and reread his comment, please. I cannot say it better.
Hi Heidi…
I think our shortfall of not actually living a surrendered life is exposed when our life is finally in a magnitude of crisis where we are desperate enough. For many of us, we reach the point of recover-or-die. At the recover-or-die stage, we can settle for nothing short of the real thing. We must surrender genuinely… or die. As ominous as this sounds, it may be the best thing ever to happen to any of us.
The ruse is exposed. Our self-deception finally fails us and we can finally see it. Nothing short of a genuine surrender will do for us. And we have failed enough times and now have the support to recognize the real thing… at least we get a glimpse of it and we are now hungry for more of the real thing. As we pursue the real surrender, our surrender becomes more genuine.
Then we look back and say, ‘Wow, was I ever blind’. But I wonder if we ever would have cause to look that deeply and shake off our self-deception, had we not come to the brink?
If life was comfortable, safe, and problem-free, would we ever have advanced in our relationship with God? Or would we have gone on in our self-deceptions? These are scary questions to me.
Which makes it all the more important to keep in mind that we have not arrived at any ultimate level of truth. We have merely had a revelation of a measure of truth…. with more to be revealed if we remain humble, hungry, and teachable.
This is such a critical topic…. at least it was for me to finally wake up and begin to get it.
Ciao.
Chaz
Chaz–I’ve been waiting to hear your thoughts on this! Thank you for taking the time to contribute. I am now on a post 3 times removed from this one, and still on topic. I am committed to staying as close to 500 words as possible, so this will be “more to be said” and I welcome your input. It’s funny, how from entirely different countries, we share the same experiences of the past and the truth of what we find in the program of AA.
I love the wording, “my relationship was not functioning nor intimate… my connection to God lacked any power to change”. It is the key here. That is why I started this topic and that’s the thinking that led me to write about it in my previous post as well. I thought that being a Christian meant I didn’t need to worry about Steps 1 to 3. I essentially started the Steps on 4, and didn’t realize that until just now!
So, I’m all excited to share my new-found convictions that Steps 2 and 3 are not a done deal just because someone is affiliated with a church, a religion or whatever… I’m sure I did have a ‘faith’, such as it was. It didn’t work, though. I don’t know how to explain that except in the words you used. I was still in charge. It was still my life, according to Heidi. It was, understandably, a mess. No wonder.
Yes. God can and does. I just thank Him that I found AA and the Steps to a life that works much better than the world works according to Heidi. Jump in anytime! Thanks for being a contributor to GoodLife!
Hello Heidi! A fabulous topic and set of observations. I love it when some of these harmful yes subtle attitudes and dynamics in our thoughts and lives get exposed. Posts such as this one shine light on these sneaky, stealth little patterns of thought and attitude. I appreciate you putting these observations into words.
There is much I would love to dialogue on. The first thing to jump out at me is “We cannot stay exactly in the same mindset if we’re to expect progress”.
True! I guess the tricky part for those of us believing ourselves to be “Christians” is that we feel very justified and satisfied being set in the mindset we are in, believing it to be righteous. Yet is it? Or is it just comfortable and familiar?
Well, if we truly were exempt from working steps 1-3, why didnt we did we show up in the rooms in the first place? Where was the effectiveness in our relationship with God? Are we bold enough to ask if we had one at all? Or was our relationship with the culture and fellowship we were affiliated with and immersed in? Or something else? Who knows.
For me, I have to be honest, and say that even though I believed in Jesus Christ and God of the Bible, my relationship was not functioning nor intimate… my connection to God lacked any power to change where I was at. I was unknowingly stuck in the mindset that surrender was what I had been doing… which was not surrender at all… it was me thinking I was giving things to God, but only days, minutes, or even seconds later, taking them back and trying to do it all myself. I had no faith that “God could and would” do. Regardless to what I thought, in practice, I was stuck in self-reliance.
There is so much to be said as many have added to the dialogue already.
Look forward to more thoughts.
Ciao.
Chaz
Hello. DING DING DING, you’re up for another blogger award. I know you can’t wait! There is a new picture to go along with your collection of prints. Please see https://iamnotshe.wordpress.com/2012/04/28/the-versatile-blogger-award-pour-moi-pisha/ xo melis
Jen- Thank you!
Heidi,
I nominate you for the HUG award! HUG!!!
see http://step-on-a-crack.com/2012/04/24/the-hug-award-thank-you-steph/
and
http://ahopefortoday.com/2012/01/14/hope-unites-globally-hug-award-guidelines/
for guidelines!
Peace to you my Friend!
Jen
Jen– You made me misty. I don’t get to take credit for being self-aware. He gives me grace to face the ugly facts just as soon as my willingness knocks. I am so blessed to have you and many others encouraging me to stay real. I have been the biggest hypocrite imaginable. I never want to be so self-deceived again.
All I’m really trying to say is that I am not supposed to judge, to self-flagellate, to despair of His salvation for my self-centeredness. I am supposed to nail it all back up there and get my focus on the truth of His will.
I’m interested in your Colorado experience. I’ve often felt the scorn of being an ‘out’ Christian. It was especially hard in Oregon, the ‘none’ state (according to the surveys where you mark your religious affiliation). I was a minority, for sure. It was good for me, probably.
Thank you so much for your continued presence here. I love your comments. I look forward to them, but I know that you have so much to deal with right now.
Holy Moley! I have been BlogBreaking sort of and I am asking WHY!
This is fascinating and really important. I started the program in boulder, colorado; the seat of all things new agey and spiritual but NOT so open to Christians. In the program in Boulder it was easy peasy. the ‘god of my understanding’ was SO open it made it easy in some ways to leap over the actual relationship and surrender to the will of Higher Power. You could surrender to meditation or carrot juice.
I was lucky to have a really hard core sponsor who rode me on the 4th step. I went back to my Catholic roots while working the steps. Oddly, I kind of hid going to Mass from my meetings. It was SO NOT cool to be Catholic. OK for God to be a Tree not so much Jesus or the Judeo-Christian God. I could certainly mention going to Hindu Kirtan and doing Buddhist meditation though.
Until I read your post I thought my meetings were MORE accepting and really they were not. We were just as judgmental. I am grateful for my sponsor and her openness. I am grateful for her guidance.
I love this. I love you. I love this community. ditto what Louise said.
Heidi, you have so much self awareness and a gift for communication. Thank you!
XO Jen
Hey Mel: Harper Power counts. It all counts.
I’ve got my orders Heidi, Debbie’s post and Canoe. What’s a trappers’ canoe.
I’d love to see and visit your church in the Pacific (Northwest)? Oregon?
Oh, and I think i could hang with a man who hangs with outcasts.
.
Mel– You know, I think you’d like Debbie’s post today. I agree whole-heartedly with saying I’m more comfortable being tagged as a Believer than a Christian, given the current associations that come along with that title. I would have written Believer into the title, not Christian if I’d thought of it!
I know you are sincerely looking to expand your sensitivity to your own Higher Power and it seems that you’re much happier. Please don’t let anything I do discourage you from that quest. You’re right in saying I’m not pushing church. I was the victim of spiritual abuse in a fundamental church, at one point in my life, so I beg God to keep me sensitive to the prevalent abuse that occurs in His name. Nothing is more abhorrent to me. I found a wonderful little church home on the shores of the Pacific for a couple of years. He used them to heal me.
Christ was most harsh with the Pharisees, and hung out with the prostitutes and outcasts. I like to think He loves those who struggle best. My God is love. Those who take pride in hating in His name… I wish they wouldn’t use His name. To me, it seems synonymous with taking His name in vain. It is dishonoring to the God I love when someone acts so hatefully. We are not to judge. We are to love–even our enemies.
By the way, if you want to float in my boat…it’s a trappers’ canoe! Join me.
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The thing is I float in your boat more than you think! I can simply be prickly … So I guess I DO trust that I can be honest with you. I trust you will be honest with me. These are important issues to me. And you most certainly. You’re more advanced in your spiritual belief system. I’m envious that your beliefs have much more support. However I know you are not one to push Church necessarily. Is that OK to put out there in GoidLife?
Debby–Thank you for sharing this post. I’m humbled. I just try to be open. “God is my sponsor” just doesn’t work. By the way, no one ever accuses me of being balanced… has it come to that?
Mel–I’m so glad you’re a part of the GoodLife group! Keep talking to me. I can take it!
Louise–Amen! I just love this recovery stuff!
It’s been interesting reading the comments on this one in particular. We finally have a chaplain at the ARC and I’m going to try to send this post to him. I think I’ve shared with you before how it’s often the “bible-thumpers” who take “God is my sponsor” approach that flame out first. You hit the right balance, Heidi. I can’t imagine you not!
I was nervous about saying how i’d be “irritated” with you because (as you know from our “fast” conversation) … my way or the highway. It was that way losing weight and regaining health. UH OH! My intolerance is bubbling up.
Anyway, you have your DEEP beliefs, and i have mine. Hmmm, what to do about my beliefs re: ED’s. I’m still going to push for being intolerant of ignorance … but more tolerant about “different peoples’ strokes”.
LESSONS LEARNED AGAIN! XO m
I never thought you were talking religion over spirituality. once we get to the rooms we start to see the difference. Aren’t we lucky? here we are 2 women who have never met in person having a conversation that often brings families to blows and I’m feeling connected and close and grateful that you’re in my life. recovery is a wonderful thing.
be well. hugs
Louise– Thank you. ‘Your mileage may vary’
So true. I’m glad you clarified for me. I should probably add that I am not trying to applaud religion over spirituality. I am in a learning curve here and I’m going to stay there, I hope. “And today, I’m perfectly able to take responsibility for my life, because I know i’m not in charge.” Very well said!
Melissa– “Love and tolerance is our code” p 84. I giggled when I read what your reaction to me would have been ‘back when’. I am not out to ‘convert’ anyone, just to share my view and more importantly honestly talk about my struggles. I was so self-righteous and that didn’t start with my drinking. My brother always said, “you walked down the halls of high school polishing your halo”. Geesh. Really? Yes, really. This was my battle, always. I’m just being open about my character defects and showing how they can keep me or anyone from applying the program, if we don’t ruthlessly examine ourselves with the Steps. Ruthless. It’s hard.
I considered myself a Christian, when I got to OA, although I didn’t have any religious practices. But I was so self centered and a good example of self will run riot that I couldn’t have a relationship with HP. I’m not sure about cause and effect – which came first – but it doesn’t matter. I believe, for me, that part of the cause of my addiction was my ego and my disconnect to God.
In recovery I’m not always connected. I’ve gone thru some dark times of the soul and had to figure out a relationship with HP because I had grown some more or evolved or changed. Today I see those times as a gift, because I know a deeper relationship is coming.
My relationship is much different than I ever thought it would be. I’m still not religious. But i’m not usually ego driven either. For me, between emotional maturing and spiritual evolving, my understanding and relationship with God has deepened, matured and evolved. And today, I’m perfectly able to take responsibility for my life, because I know i’m not in charge. (That’s the paradox, isn’t it?)
hope that makes more sense, Heidi. and remember, your mileage may vary.
Oops, replying to myself. What i was trying to say is that we should not EXCLUDE others’ beliefs, we should embrace “those folks” and tolerate their beliefs. BELIEF and FAITH are the keys to recovery of your soul and sanity.
Step three counts with all of the “soul sick”. As you know, i am re-examining my belief in God. This is an area where i, like you, became judgmental of WHOSE God are we talking about. And, truthfully, you would have irritated me with your beliefs because I was not raised, nor am i fully convinced of my religious upbringing: Presby. THAT does NOT mean that i am not tolerant .. but like you, it took me awhile to say, “OK,” … GO HEIDI, GO … hang on to God with all your might. May i hang onto my God? Would that be ok with Heidi? … and/or anyone … and/or should that matter? She would be inclusive or exclusive when it comes to religion. I say “no” as i say no to exclusion in other situations in life. Acceptance resonates in all the steps: Self AND others? Correct? … can’t wait to hear …
Sherrie– I’m so tickled by your comment. Praise is scary to me. I often write with my eye on the delete key… Finding the tightrope between vulnerable and foolishly opinionated is difficult on some topics. I give it the test for honesty and then the test for thoughtful, not just unwisely adventuresome…then hit the publish. Sometimes it takes days to be sure. This was one of those. My picture doesn’t work right. I changed it after publishing and I decided to go back to the other one and now I can’t for some reason. Ahh…. good enough for now. I’m done struggling. You helped me feel OK about it. I’m so delighted to think you’ll share it with your sponsees. Something went right.
Heidi, darling Heidi, you are a wonder and amazement to me! You touch the third rail with impunity, I think I camouflage with poetry you stand up brave and bold and ask. I can hardly wait for the discussions my sponsees and I will have in response to this wonderful blog of yours! Thank you, thank you so much for walking into the room and turning on the ceiling fixture, I’ve been wandering in here with a flashlight…..but it’s much better this way!
Louise–I’m not sure that I can say the same thing, Louise. For me, I think I can still choose to ‘ignore’ Him within the relationship. What I was doing was completely self-willed. My relationship was so hands off that it was cutting me off from His power and His will. I was not interested in His will–just mine. I had one, but it was not one of submission to His will. I find it interesting that you have decided that you only convinced yourself that you had a relationship. Am I understanding you correctly? I don’t want to assume… I’d love to know more.
I think many of us come with the idea we have a relationship with God. In retrospect I have to laugh at myself: if I had a relationship with HP, I wouldn’t have been using and abusing.