How Did I Set My Password For AA Serenity?
During early sobriety it seemed that all the characters around the table except me had a secret password that allowed them to log into a new life of peace and serenity. I’d never seen anything like these hooligans. They kidded each other about their imperfections, their flawed character, their jail time; they hugged each other. They were taking the worst life could dish out and yet, somehow they were fine. I was not, nor could I imagine ever being, fine. What was their secret? I wanted that password.
At first, my conservative church background left me wary of being a part of such rowdy camaraderie. I was astonished that men (men!) were talking about their feelings and their failings. What? Wouldn’t they lose the respect for each other talking like that in front of God and everybody? Guess not. I had a lot to learn about respect, honesty and an organization that has only one ultimate authority as addressed in Tradition Two.
To this day, I find I compare my AA experience with the non-denominational church experience of my younger days. Not surprisingly, I’ve found more differences than similarities. Besides, AA is not a church. I Googled ‘how to become a good church member’ to come up with the first list which came from a Baptist preacher. Googling ‘how to become a good recovery member’ didn’t yield anything useful. The difference between the two is considerable.
Why would I share my comparison of the two experiences? Because I know many people are reluctant to get involved in AA, in part, because of their previous church experience. As soon as the word God enters, they back away. Those who need fellowship and desperately need a new life path back away. I also wanted a new life, a sense of belonging to something bigger than myself so, initially, I tried to use my church password. That did not work.
My Password to a Church’s Membership vs. My Password to Recovery’s Serenity.
Good church member requirements:
- Demonstrate a Good Attitude Toward the Pastor/Leaders (partially defined by submitting to the church teachings)
- Maintain a Good Attitude Toward Other Believers (including warning those who are unruly, and maintaining analogous behavior)
- Show a Good Attitude Toward God (defined by being an obedient follower of church doctrine and leadership)
- My church password was all one word in lowercase: followlikesheep
Recovery program elements:
- Become rigorously honest with ourselves, God and others
- Be willing to grow along spiritual lines, living by spiritual principles (12 Steps)
- Allow God to do for us what we could not do for ourselves
- My AA recovery password is all one word uppercase: RIGOROUSHONESTY
The elements of AA comprise the reason I stay active in the program. I also like the fact that recovery is a fellowship with those who have admitted failure and found themselves to be faulty and in need of change. The only membership requirement is a desire to stop drinking (or obsessing, or fixing, or drugging or other addictive behaviors resulting in calamity.)
Just to the extent that we do as we think He would have us, and humbly rely on Him, does He enable us to match calamity with serenity. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, 2012, p 68
In my experience with a non-denominational church the emphasis seemed to be submission to man (God’s elect); in my experience of recovery the emphasis is on turning over our will and our life to God, period. In an organization like church, it’s necessary to grab a hold of the doctrine, the role of being an active member, and follow the prescribed way while encouraging others to do the same.
In AA I struggle to listen to God for myself, discern His will for me and give up the glorifying of man or self. It’s letting go, releasing. In the practice of Step 11, I daily attempt to set aside my will in favor of His.
AA does not attempt to replace church. In fact, my experience with AA has helped me define what I seek in a worship context. After being in recovery for several years, I found a church home in Oregon that encouraged my AA principles for living.
~PS: This is only my experience. I don’t speak for AA or for any churches. I’m curious. Based on your experience, how would you compare the two? Do you think they bear comparing? Want to share your passwords?
Judi–Thanks for sharing a little of your story. So glad to have you here!
Love it and your AA password I relate to much more – and why in my area, I do consider myself nondenom. Most others are very much your church list and I didn’t last there long. I found both Jesus and Alanon in the same year. God first, but the steps really brought my surrender. Great post Heidi.
FM- Oh, great to have you here, either way! Welcome, welcome!
I’m on the addiction side, good old drunk, who doesn’t have to drink because of the grace of God and the 12 steps of AA.
FM–I’m also very glad we’ve connected. This blogsphere is amazing! We have a really supportive community growing daily and I welcome you!
I put a lot of thought into the password. It seems to me that the honesty must be rigorous or else, we fall back into self. Self-deception first and then self-direction follows. “We alocholics must be rid of this selfisness. We must, or it kills us! God makes that possible.” p 62
Are you on the addiction side of the group or the al-anon side? Just curious. It seems most of my readership until lately was the ‘supporters’ of the addicted. I like to keep tabs as it determines my writing a little bit.
Welcome to the GoodLife Group!
Excellent post!! Found you through Jen’s blogs and am very grateful. I really struggle with peace and serenity but I really like your idea if a “password”. I guess for me it would have to be what you say rigoroushonesty. It saves me on a daily bases. Thank you so much for blogging!!! It’s amazing how this blogging is expanding for me. I started with Louise Behiel, found Jen through Louise’s blogs and then found you through Jen’s blogs. Wow! I’m all new at this blogging stuff but I’m starting to find it pretty exciting. I’m so glad I found you, you speak my language!!
Jen–Once again, thank you. Your experience is so similar to mine, but we don’t have to be completely like-minded. I know. Surrender was not something I ever understood before the Steps!
“My heart’s desire is to contrast and compare because of all the people I have met that drop out of AA for the fear it will be just like their church experience. My experience is just that–mine. Not everyone would agree with what I’ve expressed and that’s because their experience has been different.
The really encouraging aspect to the recovery program of AA is that many of us find a relationship with God that far surpasses what we could have imagined once we become honest with ourselves and with God and with each other. ”
THIS Is the crux of why I think your post is SO important! I know tons of people who leave AA because of their perception of the God aspect. I also know that my experience in AA DID deepen my understanding of what it means to have Faith and to Surrender to My God.
I LOVE this post.
XO Jen
Jen– Thank you for your very considered comment. You are a breath of mountain air on this blog. Clear, invigorating, restorative. Thank you.
You have clearly pictured for us what it feels like to be moving through darkness and not under your own power, but by the power of One greater than you. That is truth. I was in my 50′s before I could separate God and fundamentalism, conservative thought and authoritarianism. When I stepped away from those who told me what God said, into asking Him to give me truth, then I became myself and I became confident of what I knew as a babe. You’re so right about that.
I bucked against the God of individual understanding because it went against 40 some years of instructions. Now I am easy with it because I know if I can’t find that God of my own, I don’t find Him to be sufficient. I am still trying to perform, to do the dance, to fit in. That’s not finding faith that I can lean into, a faith that brings serenity and peace to my life under any attack, any failure, any circumstances…
Thank you for commenting today. It means more than I can grasp, of that I’m certain. We have different paths here, different experiences and different stories. But we have love for Him. Love from Him and a fellowship that is not limited by our the extent of our sameness, but enriched by diversity. I hope we can continue to offer hope to the seekers.
I’m off the podium now. You’ve said many things that will encourage the GoodLife Group. Thank you.
Debbie– I’m so glad you commented. I love the observation that good AA allows failure, good fellowship admits the need for grace. Basic honesty with self and others integrates our faith and lives in a way that leads to serenity. Secrets and perfectionism destroy my sense of peace. I love the password. I’ve seen you work the Steps, unofficially, and you’re a good example of what happens when the principles of the Steps are applied to life. Yes. It’s hard to find real and safe in one place. I’ve been fortunate to find that in more than one AA group.
I’m going to try to tread very lightly here because my experience is limited.
I’m not in AA or any other 12 Step program. I’ve gone to quite a few open AA meetings, several al anon meetings and have been a member of a variety of churches from Fundamentalist to Methodist to Episcopal. That said, here’s how I would compare my experiences:
When it’s AA of the Big Book or Church of the Good News – both are amazing places of love and growth.
To be honest, my al anon experience wasn’t as positive. I think that was because they didn’t use the 12 Steps.
When AA or al anon or the church veers away from it’s foundations, I think they have the potential to become harmful instead of helpful.
Although even AA done poorly seems to help people stay sober because there’s still a shared honesty that’s lacking in almost every other social setting. In that respect, I think bad AA does less damage than bad church.
The exposure I had to AA in the open meetings helped me see what fellowship could be, but wasn’t, in the church I attended. There was no pretense in AA. I found that to be pretty remarkable.
It made me wonder what it would be like if we started every Sunday School class or Bible Study group by saying: Hi, my name is _____ and I’m a sinner.
Saved by grace, but still a sinner, just like an alcoholic in AA, sober but still an alcoholic.
AA seems to be a place to pour out your struggles, knowing you’ll find support and that the code of confidentiality will be honored.
It’s been hard for me to find a church that is that real and that safe.
Debby took my grace password.
I’ll use brokenness (it gets you in to all the right places).
Dear Heidi,
I adore you. I am inspired by your honesty, your pure faith and your desire to HELP people. I think that this post is incredible on many levels.
First: I have known too many people who ran from the 12 steps due to the emphasis on GOD some meetings do not do a very good job of stressing “the God of YOUR understanding”
Second: I am Catholic. I am well versed in having to interpret my way through what the hierarchy is preaching VS my own understanding of MY experience of Jesus and his teachings. Teaching is very different than Preaching. I focus on the DEEDS of Christ to inform my walk. I always have been involved in very liberal churches who buck the archdiocese. INCLUSION. Jesus TAUGHT inclusion. “you who are without sin….”
that is key.
Third: the 12 steps helped solidify my faith and my ability to Lean Into my God. I had to. The church doesn’t often really teach that. The 12 steps offers the opportunity to FEEL what it means to really surrender to the will of the God of YOUR understanding. The 12 steps actually helped me make sense of some very intense spiritual experiences I had as a kid: God was there. It was God. The 12 steps helped me understand what the FEELING was: God carrying me through the darkness. I finally understood that God and my relationship with my god is totally separate from church. I never have to go to church again: God is there. AND my God is the SAME God of every walk. EVERY SINGLE ONE. WAtching fellow 12 steppers lean into God and see that their God of different faiths (Jewish, Muslim, Pagan, Buddhist, Native American on and on and on….) Was catching them in the same way my God caught me, confirmed and solidified for me that there is ONE God and not one single religion can claim that God.
wow. Heidi, this is huge. There is a paper or a book in here somewhere for YOU to write. It would be very helpful for atheists and agnositcs and those of us from hard core hierarchical churches to know just what “the God of my understanding” can mean. It also opens up a seriously needed conversation.
OK I am going to be mulling this for awhile. THANK YOU!
XO Jen
Sorry if I overstepped. Thought the call was for our experiences, our opinions, our comparisons, passwords, etc. I totally know I am totally out of my league, here, except as a Believer in Christ Jesus. And I totally admire anyone who has extricated themselves from any painful past. Been there.
Al–Thank you for saying that. Wisdom comes from pain, so we both should be really smart, huh? I really appreciate your comments here.
Sherrie– I am still smiling: 2jews3opinions. I can really identify! Thank you for the encouragement today. Your shining spirit is a welcome presence here and your wit is inspirational as always.
Just a note on housekeeping: I am not interested in a debate about religion here. Obviously I don’t want to alienate or damage genuinely seeking hearts, which can easily happen if we digress. GoodLife is not a good platform for what might be considered proselytizing.
KT– I want to clarify that ‘obeying the Bible’ is clearly left to individual interpretation, as even great scholars debate this. The non-denominational church experience and my Baptist experience are the same in that both institutions would claim literal interpretation and obedience as strong elements of their doctrine. We took notes from an overhead, memorized scriptures, studied constantly with the intellectual pursuit of accuracy being the goal. Greek was taught for the men who wanted to become part of the leadership. My point may have been lost in my attempt to accurately express what I experienced. I do not hate. Period. I hope you were not including me in that group.
I am hoping to express the source of my strength and hope based upon my personal experience. The really great thing about AA is that we do not expect to agree with one another, but we respect individuality and diversity is OK. I may say something one day and something different the next day and that’s not dismaying. It may be called growth, or seeking, or just plain confusion. Either way, as long as I’m sober, I’m meeting my objective and as long as others are too, I’m happy for them and we can all be helpful to the next guy or gal who comes to the tables and wants to confess their monstrous addiction and their helplessness.
”Our book is meant to be suggestive only. We realize we know only a little. God will constantly disclose more to you and to us. Ask Him in your morning meditation what you can do each day for the man who is still sick. The answers will come, if your own house is in order. But obviously you cannot transmit something you haven’t got. See to it that your relationship with Him is right and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. This is the Great Fact for us.” A A p 164.
i found your comments about the Church being about submission to God’s Elect and AA total submission to a Higher Power very astute!
HeidiHO, You wonderful delight!!! I was impressed when you touched the third rail, now you are dancing on it and doing it with amazing grace! I was raised in a christian cult and in AA found my way to judaism. my password is 2jews3opinions, at my conversion service the Rabbi said I was the only person he knew who used that term as an affirmation, I laughed and explained I had grown up in a religion where is was 16 million 1 opinion…….so, yes, 2 people holding 3 opinions is an affirmation to be sure! Thank you again for a wonderful blog post, you are the best!
Wow. I always had good experiences in church. Would be terrified to attend an AA meeting because of horror stories I have heard. Amazing how a different past can make a different viewpoint.
I consider God my spiritual Father and the True Invisible Church as my spiritual mother. (Gal. 4) I love this mother and dearly need the loving confines, warnings, nurture, care, feeding, and safety I find in her.
I have heard about “lowercase ‘c’” churches, individual bodies that do not obey the Bible, as your experience alludes to. Never have experienced that, though, except one we visited and never returned. I have always been able to find the real Church (uppercase, the group of all true believers, past and present) within the geographical churches I attended.
Of course, power corrupts, and I am sure we can find corrupted individual church bodies almost anywhere, but when God’s people gather, even just two of them, in Jesus’ name, I’m in. I am so totally IN.
And as the slander and persecution of the Church escalates daily, we shall find the corrupt individuals within her flaking off, flaking away, and the true representation of Jesus’ Bride will remain–that which cannot be shaken, cannot be frightened away by peril or sword or lions or whips or bayonetts or any other manifestation of the enemy’s hatred for us.
The True Church which Jesus built upon the solid rock of Peter’s confession of faith will never be replaced, will never die. Or at least, that’s what He predicted . . .
Wherevertwoormore.InHisName.com — password: agapelove
Louise– Yup! Rigorous honesty. “Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves.” p 58 I am interested to find that this is your experience, too.
Melissa– I thought of you as I wrote this post, hoping that I wasn’t adding to the pain you’ve already experienced. I actually reread this one in light of several people that might read it and wondered if I was going to cause injury to anyone. That is not my goal–ever! Discomfort, fine. Injury, not! I made myself a little uncomfortable putting this into words and sending it out there forever. Remember, my friend, that when you have been knocked down, it is God’s love that gives you grace to get back up. The focus has to stay on grace for each other, grace for ourselves and faith in something bigger than we are! Thank you for leaving your thoughts here for us to chew on. I have had to grow up and form my own picture of God. Those who spoke for Him, also made me doubt that He cared. That just isn’t true. Find truth for yourself, Mel. In recovery we begin to stand on our own feet. You know that. This is just one more area that we have to throw off what we’ve been told and put on the truth of what we find for ourselves. I hope we all keep seeking and don’t fall prey to thinking we’ve arrived.
Debby–My heart’s desire is to contrast and compare because of all the people I have met that drop out of AA for the fear it will be just like their church experience. My experience is just that–mine. Not everyone would agree with what I’ve expressed and that’s because their experience has been different.
The really encouraging aspect to the recovery program of AA is that many of us find a relationship with God that far surpasses what we could have imagined once we become honest with ourselves and with God and with each other. Deception is powerful and in the church that I allude to, it was not acceptable to be an admitted sinner, or to do anything that might reflect poorly on the church. (One of my friends was encouraged to leave the church, get divorced and then come back. I would guess they thought divorce was a sin but if you’d already done it then you could come back because it wasn’t a black eye for the church if it didn’t happen while attending there.) Above all, we were to appear perfect and not rock the boat with thinking too much about life’s quandries or talking about our failures. Much was believed to be black and white.
I love the grace password. I am also in constant need of His grace and grace from others, including the Goodlife group! This post was one of the toughest to write. Thank you for your support, Debby. I enjoy hearing what you think!
Great post and accurate to my experience in the rooms of 12 step recovery. and I like the idea of a password. For me, that would be ‘honesty’. for it’s only when I got very honest with myself, God and others that I could be free. thanks
Great post! Honey … this is so funny because i’m ALWAYS changing passwords, and i feel like i have to start over and over and over … and I LOSE INFO!
OMG! I just want to yell Hallelujah! Yes, Presbyterians are scary, strict punishers. The OA meetings i attended, while not focused on steps RIGOROUSLY (as you say) … there WAS that feeling of … “Man, i’ve been there too”, or … honey, that’s nothin’ …
My realization of God as i understand him/her/it is still forming. I’m slow to mold my friend after having my mom’s God (and herself, rip) suck the life out of me.
BUT I AM BUILDING!
This made me think about a book I read a few months ago about the lack of freedom people “in the church” feel in expressing their struggles, addictions, failures. Sad when that happens. Yes, AA does not attempt to replace church. But I too, though from an outsiders view, see that AA calls for more honesty than many congregations do. The church may in word, but not always in practice.
The other sad thing I read these days is more people choose the church they attend based on the type of music. So few even know the statements of faith. All in all, we fall short of God’s glorious plan for us. Organizations, churches, fellowships, recovery groups, people. But I think to the 12 steps even on this and start with admitting we’ve fallen short. (sound familiar?) Once we can make that admission we have to continually admit we’re in need of a Savior. Like I heard someone say last night: AA is information. God is transformation!
The only password I can think for me would be grace. I’m in constant need of it.
Well done Heidi. A tough subject to broach but you, friend, have done it with grace. <3