Step 3: Questions and Directions
Although the word direction was edited out by the existing AA groups in Akron and New York, we can get the flavor of Bill’s conviction about the Steps by his original wording of How It Works:
Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our
directionspath.Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now. If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it – then you are ready to
follow directionstake certain steps.Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care
and directionof God, as we understood Him. (Step 3)
Sometimes I’ve wished they’d just left it like he wrote it, but increasingly I’m glad they overruled his hard-sell language. There is something in me that rebels against familiar authoritarianism. Do I really want someone else to tell me what to think again? I hope not. I want to be teachable, yet I’ve learned I need to be free to question, to think.
“You think too much,” was an accusation from my past. Most often this was the automatic response to my questions. I do love to question. It’s how I process, how I search, how I learn the truth for myself. The authoritarians don’t encourage questioning. Questions are messy, they can be seen as challenging, they are unsettling. “We’ve already decided that.” was a common reply. Eventually, I picked up my genuine questions and left the land of black and white.
From a very young age, I knew God and I knew He loved me. So I was not leaving church and God behind, just church. I told my preacher that He was not my Holy Spirit and cut off all contact with the figure heads that I’d looked up to. Where did that leave me? My life had become untenable with them in charge so I swung to the opposite approach. I was in charge. They were off that pedestal and, unwittingly, I climbed onto it.
Life didn’t get worse. It didn’t get better. It just got old. It wasn’t until I started Step 4 that I realized how truly difficult my life had always been. The more I wrote, the more I shook my head. This life I was living would make a better book than a life. I had nightmares during Step 4, spending a whole weekend doing nothing but writing it out. I was depressed and angry and hurt. My disgust turned from others inward. I wanted to drink again. (All of this was typical, but I didn’t realize that.) The process of climbing back down from the pedestal was difficult.
That’s why I still question myself. That’s why I love Step 3. I am alcoholic and cannot manage my own life. No human power could have relieved my alcoholism (my self-will, my dependence on others). God could and did when I sought Him. By doing the Steps I was seeking His direction for my life. I was getting some answers, finally.
PS: In the next post I’m going to share some of the questions I ask of myself regarding Step 3. What has been your experience with directions and questions?
FunnyMel–OK. I’ve finally found a method that should work. I had no idea how to do this and I’ve never been able to download epub books and find them on my Kindle, either. Today I called Kindle support (by the way, they’re very helpful). I will email you the resolution. Let me know if this works! Thanks again for wanting to try my little booklet on Your Unique Self!
FM–I don’t know how, but I can find out. Thanks for the vote of confidence! I’ll get back to you about this. I use my Kindle all the time and haven’t tried to do ebooks, yet!
I bought your book, Your Unique Self (ebook). I saved it and tried to transfer it to my kindle but it is not going to my kindle (I’m really new at all this tech. stuff). What could be wrong? I tried both downloads, epub and mobi. Help!!!
With pleasure. I am a seeker of all information. I have to be responsible for making decisions with all info. Faith is a given. Perhaps i don’t need a statue. I know Harper is a good source of visual faith, goodness and love.
Bj–I like that ‘getting into action rather than the head’. We can jaw all day long, but if we don’t take action, it’s just fodder for confusion, isn’t it?
Mel– My dear girl, I would never intentionally ignore your comments! I just stumbled onto this one, thank God! For some reason I can’t get my notifiers to work right, so I have probably missed an occasional one by ignorance, not by design. I didn’t find it to be negative, but honest. That’s something I applaud. You’re a seeker and you’re working hard at learning. I respect you. Don’t doubt that you’re important here. You ARE!!! I look after every post to see what you’ve said. Thank you for your faithful contribution to GoodLife.
Jen– You were so blessed to be raised by a dad who encouraged you to ask questions! Mine said he could read my mind–big difference.
From one Question Woman to another, Keep on askin’ !
Yea girl … Trusting and personal faith (and perhaps humor): HONESTY. All are important parts of a good path. Letting go is a tough one. I ask a lot of questions myself, and while it is “good” and “right” it can be exhausting. HOWEVER, as long as i know that my faith is holding me (while i’m mucking around with the wherefores and huhs?) i’ll keep sailing along. Just butting in with my girls!
As I understand it, refining the Steps will be a lifelong process and I look forward to it. The program makes more sense to me than any of the several religions I have explored over the years; getting into action rather than the head as someone else has suggested.
Heidi,
Oh boy. This is GOOD. I struggled/struggle with the steps and authority. I too am a Question Woman. My dad always said “there is no such thing as a stupid question. Ask it. what ever it is.” I was raised to question authority. sometimes the program gets in my head as ‘authority’; usually when there is work I need to do that I do not want to do. I love how Louise brings it to the 3rd step and her analogy about leaving her house for her sister to care for: I had to learn that. I NEED to remember that.
‘ I cannot stress enough that faith and fruit in our lives is not synonymous. We can have faith and not relinquish any control of our lives whatsoever.’
Amen Sister. True words. Faith means letting go. Trusting.
ouch sometimes that is the hardest thing AND it is the ONLY path
XO Jen
I was afraid you might ignore my comment because it’s “negative” sort of ? I may still have my step book and the Big Book. Peace is all i ask day by day. However i achieve it, whether it’s through Harper Power and/or all my other sources … i’ll be glad to accept. I certainly am doing work. Not sure it’s the Steps, but i’m working at getting a more centered life.
Mel–I think you’re right about the soul sickness. It’s not alcohol specific, either. That’s why I get so vibrantly enthused about the Steps. I have a very good friend that is in the process of working them and she’s almost unrecognizable from where she started a year ago! They heal us. They really do, if we are but willing and honest. You have a good week! Thanks for telling a little of your story here. You contribute so much to the GoodLife Group.
Lori–Good point, “How on earth can we be a work in progress if we don’t ask questions?” I think it was the ‘progress’ that was at issue. I wanted to keep the conversation going, keep exploring truth and they wanted me to ‘graduate’ into acceptance of their version of the truth. Nope.
Debbie– I had no idea how often I grab the wheel. No laughing, my friend. I’m admittedly a slow learner, but…
Being secure in any faith system does not mean we have given up the control of our lives to a Higher Power. It only means we have head knowledge. Even Satan had the knowledge to quote scriptures. I cannot stress enough that faith and fruit in our lives is not synonymous. We can have faith and not relinquish any control of our lives whatsoever. I know. I did that. I still find myself doing it, which is why I keep writing about it. The more I explore the topic, the more I learn and I can’t help but share it.
Cathy–So tickled you gave your thoughts for us to ponder. So, God asks, “Am I not enough?” Wow. That’s interesting. Pausing in pain is a good way to put it when we face pain on our path to healing. I agree, He does love us uniquely and individually. Thank you for helping out here.
Wow the word “directions” really changes it. I’m so glad they took that out. I cringe when reading it. I want to do a 180. But “path” how sweet a word. It allows each of us freedom to be who we are, to “seek”, to question along the way. For God to love individually, uniquely, to take a side path just for us but yet still going in a healing direction.
There are times when I’ve needed to sit and let the sun warm me up or the flowers and birds to comfort me. Sometimes I may have needed to pause in the pain. Why? Because I had questions to be answered and some couldn’t be. I had to learn that’s ok too because it’s Gods will not mine.
He asks me questions too! Am I not enough?
My friend, I nominated you for the Reader’s Appreciation Award. I know you don’t ‘do’ awards. Nothing is required on your part – I just wanted to publicly express how much I appreciate all that you contribute to TMG. Thank you!
Heidi – There’s more to Step 3 than meets the eye, isn’t there? It’s more than what suits my heart sometimes… the continual re-yeilding of my will for His.
Thank you for helping me see the difference between being a Christian and daily taking inventory to see who’s really at the helm here.
Debbie
How on earth can we be a work in progress if we don’t ask questions? People who know me think I’m too analytical, but I find it fascinating to learn about not only myself, but also how my relationships work with the people around me. When I was first learning in al-anon, it was the people who really wanted to change, who did what you did. In trying to balance themselves out, they swung the pendellum too far the other way, but eventually they came back to the middle.
my best thinking got me to the rooms. So as long as I remember i’m not in charge, then life is good. but when i start thinking i’m running the show…well we all know where that lands us LOL
When i was in Boston, Graysheet OA, i never did the steps. I had sponsors that didn’t require OA steps as rigourously as traditional AA Programs.. One of my sponsors was a HUGE fan of the steps, but i was so depressed and suicidal when i first “put the food down”, or you would say “Stopped Drinking” that I’m assuming most of my sponsors thought i would plummet over the deep end if i was confronted with Step 4. I easily admitted that i was a bulimic, food addict and that my life was unmanageable, and i turned my will and my life over to the Group. My “sobriety” was the only thing that mattered to me: Not jobs, not “boyfriends” (course that was never a big thing for me) … but i put group first until i started to get stronger. However, I never did the steps whole-heartedly.
I belive food addiction is a soul sickness, just as alcohoism … or maybe not sickness, but Soul Missing-ness. The soul was sucked out, and food stuffed it’s way into the BIG HOLE!
Boss is here …. i’m gone
Louise– Thank you for sharing your thoughts on Step 3. I agree that “as long as I remember I’m not in charge, life is good.” Might I ask what you mean by, “saved my life over and over and over?” I find that intriguing.
Louise– Thank you for sharing your thoughts on Step 3. I agree that “as long as I remember I’m not in charge, life is good.” Might I ask what you mean by, “saved my life over and over and over?” I find that intriguing.
Debby– Me, too. So asking questions means we’re engaged and learning, right? I’m not sure that’s true for everyone, but it’s definitely true for me. Thanks for the comment, Debby. Have a good week.
I find when I don’t ask questions I either don’t care or am not informed enough to know the questions to ask. Neither are places I want to be in. And yes, I’m told by Henry that I think too much.
Barbara–Thank you for sharing your sponsor experience. I’m happy for you that you found a suitable sponsor. We’re missing the point of the program if we begin to take dignity away from others by becoming authoritarian. I’m encouraged that you plan to keep refining the Steps for yourself.
Step 3 is amazing and has saved my life over and over and over. As long as I remember that I’m not in charge, life is good
A turning point for me was the emotional realization that the step says I turn my will and life over to the CARE of God. We had just returned from Vacation and my sister had taken CARE of our house while we were gone. She didn’t sell it. She didn’t paint it. she didn’t re-landscape. She simply ensured that nothing bad happened while we were away. or if something did happen, she mitigated the damage. (say if a water pipe leaked). AT that moment, I realized that’s what Step 3 is about – I turn my will and my life to the care of God. In that moment it became easy to work this step and even easier to live it.
thanks for the reminder
I am also glad “directions” was edited out. When I first came to AA 8 months ago and began looking for a sponsor, one of the qualities most important to me was that she be someone who would give me guidance but not take away my dignity…I think those are the words I want to use. I am very blessed that I found the perfect sponsor for me. I see other women who sponsor with an iron hand and realize that for some that appears to be the answer. I believe that kind of direction would have sent me right back out to my beer. The sponsor I have makes suggestions and I have learned to perk my ears up, listen and follow the guidance she has given me. She has guided me through the Steps and now is encouraging me to begin service work…and I am certain we will begin going through the steps again.
Thanks for letting me share,
Barbara B. alcoholic