Self-willed and Controlling? Who…Me?
I am Irish and German (red-headed and hard-headed). I was a first-born child, trained to seek independence and winning. I was born on the fourth of July–a real firecracker! All of that makes for a self-sufficient, self-willed… and self-absorbed past that I am working diligently to recognize. It’s not easy to stop the trajectory of self-willed living. Let me add that I would have self-righteously denied living according to my own will and would have quoted scripture to arrest any argument. Even though I was living in the completely opposite realm, I would have agreed with the following quote.
It is when we try to make our will conform to God’s that we begin to use it rightly. ~ Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, 2012, p 40
I would have agreed. I would have also been clueless. I don’t understand the intricate workings of denial, but I’m at the same time, well-acquainted with it. I denied that I was self-centered, controlling, that I needed help and was ignorant of God’s will for my life. The fact that I was an HFA ( high functioning alcoholic) was also complete surprise to me.
Given that, I’ve looked back at my journals and tried to create a few questions that, if asked, might have prompted me to look beneath my self-confident assumptions. With the help of some friends in recovery the following are some sample probing questions that might shed some light on topics that smack of self-will and controlling behavior. They are good questions for any of us, whether in recovery or not.
- When you were a kid, what did you swear you’d never do when you grew up?
- What area of your life just has to go right?
- What person causes you the most stress, no matter what you try?
These are just 3 from the The Not Scary Worksheet of Step 3 (see sidebar). From now on, it is also listed with the other worksheets in the sidebar of each post.
By working through the short worksheet, you can make a list of some hidden areas of your life that are out of your control and causing you stress. The more I dig for honest answers, the more I realize how much I still try to control people in my life and control the situations of my life. I say ‘dig’ because it is an excavation of hidden motives and instincts. At this point, fear and ego will step in and try to keep the mind locked into former thinking. Our lives and our stress level are the proof of how poorly our thinking has worked for us in the past.
We don’t have to believe in anyone else’s God, or accept their values. That’s one of the really basic tenants of the 12 Step programs. All we need to do is believe that there is a Power greater than ourselves. Willingness to believe is the key that opens the door to this Power. There is a God and it’s not me.
It is when we try to make our will conform to God’s that we begin to use it rightly. ~ Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, 2012, p 40
I look at my history, my heritage. I had plenty of will power to make my life work, if self-will was going to work. It doesn’t–not alone. I needed His will and had no idea I was without it.
PS: The conviction of how clueless I can be keeps me looking for a deeper relationship with God. We don’t know what we don’t know. Do we?
Al–Thank you for saying so. I’m still learning from questions. I love them, however painful and revealing the answers, it’s a tool that works for me. It’s my prayerful hope that it helps someone else.
What an excellent resource! Thank you so much for taking the time to put it together and share it with us.
Seems to be a pattern forming here…
XO
Debby– There is the inexplicable connection, then! Thank you dear friend for your steady friendship and for stopping by again.
Cathy– I value your opinion and you couldn’t have said anything that would make me smile more: fertile ground of truth! I will never be able to adequately explain my joy in finding the Steps and making lifelong friends through this wonderful community of blogging recoveryland. You, who have known me when I was a great pretender, should know what I’m talking about.
I wholeheartedly agree Jill. She’s amazing. I am humbled and yet filled with so much joy to have her as my friend.
She has grown exponentially the past 4 years. She’s been working in the fertile ground of “truth”.
Love ya Heidi Ho.
So true Sherrie, brave warrior she is!!!
I’m chiming in with first-born Irish
Sherrie–You make me think with the half-Irish girls observation. One of my best friends, Trudy is also that. I think you’re dead on! Thank you for the kind words and I’m so glad you’re going to keep comin’ back! Thank you for clarifying the angel thing. Now I get it. Spiritual battle angel, not Hallmark, huh? Right.
Debby–Oh, I’m glad for you!
Heidi, When I say angel, think brave warrior, not harp playing, cloud sitting, halo wearer….and no I haven’t known you long, but I stand by my assessment, brave, truth telling, warrior! There’s nothing like a half Irish half German girl to get a tough job done. I’m Irish and Lebanese and I’ll tell you we half Irish girls are force to be reckoned with. And yes, I keep coming back and will keep coming back, because a clear voice and a welcoming heart are rare and precious things and I value both and you exhibit both.
Heidi –
but you are the finest of fine friends.
Thank you, my friend, for making me face these questions.
There was a time when I thought the answers might kill me – literally. I so remember tentatively dipping my toe, as Caddo said.
You may not quite be an angel,
I would have decided the water was too hot or too cold and never gone a bit further without you and your constant encouragement.
And you’re such an excellent teacher!
I join with the voices here, alcoholics and non-alcoholics, all who need “the program” and a glimpse of grace and hope in extending my thanks and great gratitude to you for opening it up and unfolding it for us, for me.
Debbie
I’m trying to catch up a bit today and glad I didn’t miss this. Actually, what is hitting me most this moment in what you said to Sherrie: “looking for the truth in all the unexpected places.” I didn’t know I was looking but sure am glad I’ve found it in some very unexpected places.
Caddo–I’m so excited to see your willingness to take a stab at the questions! Thank you for saying so. You’ve got my email. If you ever want to share anything, I’d love to know how you respond to anything you want to share. I’ve done it all wrong at one time or another so nothing surprises me
I’m 61 this year and he’s been patient with me. As Bill says, “We not forget the past, nor wish to shut the door on it.” p 83. The great thing about doing the steps is that the sting and the pain from the past is gone. For His grace, I’m grateful. It all begins with the toe sticking you mention! 
Louise– I ran from the answers while I was drinking. I didn’t realize it, but I was running. They do need answering so that I don’t start to deny reality again.Thank you for your contribution to GoodLife.
Jen– That’s a courageous rendition of the prayer. I haven’t heard it for a while. I think I needed that. Thank you. I appreciate your comments so much.
Heidi First Born German here! Control Woman of America!
I loved this post and hated it too. I am with Caddo. Hard to read, important to digest.
I like the ACA Serenity Prayer:
God, grant me the serenity
To accept the people I cannot change,
The courage to change the one I can
And the wisdom to know that one is me.
Me Only me.
gulp.
Love Jen
great questions Heidi. I’m going to have to give them some thought because they’re questions that always need answering.
Oh wow, Heidi. I’m not in recovery, but shoot–I confess I wanted to run for the hills, just reading the questions. Since I didn’t immediately leave your site and vow never to return–maybe there’s hope for me? Seriously–since I don’t believe in coincidences, I suspect God has me here to learn something, and if I can only risk dipping my big toe in the water, I know He’s okay with that. I’m nearly 60, so He’s proved He has no problem with “going slow”. A million thank you’s for being here–God bless you Big–much love, sis Caddo
Lori–I came up with the question during a moment of reflection over the area of my life which probably caused me the most difficulty in facing reality. Yup. I did it and I swore I’d never do that. How baffling to me. Thank you for the affirmation. Bless you.
I laughed at the first question on your bullet point. Only because what I swore I wouldn’t do, I actually did … unknowingly. Thank you for the wonderful teaching points.
Sherrie– You make me laugh. Angelic? Geesh. No one who’s known me long would be caught saying that! I do love to share what God has shown me to be true about my controlling nature. I am encouraged that you seem to keep coming back for more! Thank you. I hope it helps others. I really do. It keeps me sober looking for the truth in all the unexpected places.
Jill–Shhh. No one can tell (if that’s even true!). Thank you so much for saying that about my heart. If it’s true, then He gets the credit. I’m SO strong willed by nature. Whew!
Your picture is absolutely priceless. You were a beautiful child that grew into a beautiful adult with such a gracious heart.
You are an angelic teacher in my world, you say plainly what I tend to wind a web about. Thank you for doing what you do, doing it so well and sharing it with me so I can share it with my crew! Blessings on your redhead!