Step 4: As Long As You’re Green You’re Growing…
As soon as you’re ripe, you rot. There’s a lot of ripe ones out there!
I was well into my rot when I was motivated enough by the stench and the pain of addiction, to seek help. I’ve still got some moldy spots, but unlike produce, I can choose to cut away the bad bits and keep on growing. That’s what the Steps have taught me.
I’ve been asked, “Why would anyone do the Steps, anyway? Why not just quit drinking (smoking, drugging, obsessing, enabling, fixing…) Well, why? I recently read the answer in a friend’s post* and fortunately for you, it’s short: people do the steps because they’re ready to change the kind of person they are. It’s really that simple.
Know how you can tell the ones that aren’t ready? They go back to their addiction or obsession or they just keep talking the talk and don’t ever get around to Step 4 and 5. That causes a fair amount of confusion for newbies. This isn’t a program of meetings, service and talk. That would be service clubs, civic organizations and church. This is a 12 Step program. Always was.
Even the newbies can tell the 12 Steps aren’t for wimps, for fakers, for those with masks. The Steps are for the rigorously honest, painfully humbled, seekers. I love the people who work the program as it was intended. I can’t get enough of what they have! They’re so transformed that old acquaintances hardly recognize them because they continue their self-searching as prescribed in Step 10. They also rely on the wisdom of regularly trimming back their rotted bits with a trusted friend.
As we have seen, self-searching is the means by which we bring new vision, action, and grace to bear upon the dark and negative side of our natures. It is a step in the development of that kind of humility that makes it possible for us to receive God’s help. Yet it is only a step. We will want to go further. We will want the good that is in us all, even in the worst of us, to flower and to grow. ~ Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, 2012, p 98
You know the difference between the dead blossom and a bulb of new fruit pushing up through the dried up husk of the old blossom? That’s it. Growth.
The steps are not something that I hold out like a prize, or do once and then I’m done. I get no diploma, no certificate. I know I”m never going to be done working my program. It’s who I am, what I do and what I will continue to do because I’m going to keep whittling away at the reasons I drank in the first place. I’m going to unveil the untruths that made me want to numb and escape. I celebrate once in a while when I recognize growth, but I don’t rest.
We’re not there yet and we’re never going to be there. We will never arrive because if we believe we’ve arrived, we are starting to deny reality again. It’s true. As long as you’re green, you’re growing; as soon as you’re ripe, you rot.
~ *The post by Marc is from the book, The Rest of Your Life, by Allen Reid McGuinnes. His blog is one of the very few I never miss. What do you think keeps people from taking The Steps especially those of 4, 5 and 10?
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Judi–Thank you for the compliment. The saying in the title and the first line was an old one from ancient history. We used to teach a class with that title and it was an interactive class on coping with change. It was a fun session. We just loved that saying! I had to use it for this post because it is a meaningful one to me. I don’t want to quit growing and feel so passionate about facing the untruths. I know you do too. Thanks for your presence here.
I thought “as soon as you’re ripe – you rot” was some of the best words for this week…then I read this part too ” I’m going to unveil the untruths that made me want to numb and escape.” Part of the earthly journey and put together in a great challenge!! Well done!
Thank you for the warm welcome to the circle, Heidi (no, I didn’t get an earlier reply or message, so thanks for the “rerun”). By the way, I agree with Debbie that there should be a 12-Step Sunday School class–it might have sped up my growth years ago, oh well–no looking back. I may have to email you, rather than open a “family closet door” here. Thank you for your encouragement–personally, I think that’s what really helps folks be brave enough to grow and change. “Fear of Failing” is surely behind all addictions, or whatever descriptive a person uses for the chains that bind them. God bless you today, and always–catch you on the flip side!
Caddo– I don’t know what happened to my first reply to you today, but it’s not showing up so if you got it I did mean what I said, if not: here is another one…
I hope with all the fiber I have (and it’s quite a bit) that no one thinks they must be an addict or schooled in the 12 Steps to visit here. Grab that yellow chair in the corner and pull it up to the circle, for goodness sake. It’s obvious that you’ve come quite a ways to be talking about growing and grace and transparency. None of us is born with that wisdom, so welcome! I’m especially tickled that those around you are a mixture of addicts, enablers, support people and even poets! You fit in here, no doubt and I smile every time I see a comment from you. Your witty humor and candid comments are so helpful. Please stick around. A few years ago I thought all alcoholics were just like Mayberry’s Otis! No one was ever more surprised or scared after that first meeting! Thank you for contributing your thoughts. We’ll keep this chair for you if you like it.
Louise–what a nice thing to say! Thank you.
Heidi, thanks so much for the recommendation. You are one of HP’s special people put into my life for pleasure and joy.
Louise– I almost feel I need to tell people that you’re not being paid to say this! Wow. Thank you for the huge commendation of the program. I’m not surprised. Your wisdom comes from facing the truth, and as you said–facing it and facing it!
Nope, we never arrive. Yes, we are flawed. For some reason that about does it. I know you share the truth with many. Keep up your good work.
Visit Louise, please. at louisebehiel.wordpress.com especially now, if there’s someone in your life that you can’t understand at all.
Lovely post Heidi. how on earth do we recover if we don’t work the steps? Eventually they become a way of life. Today they are the filter through which I put everything. If an idea or concept or philosophy doesn’t pass the 12 step test, then it’s not for me. for example, I was interested in a metaphysical teacher but he kept saying i had to lie to everyone that what I wanted was already in my life. Ain’t happening. I lied to myself for years and years and years. took lots of pain to learn to be honest and i’m not giving that up for anything. this teaching didn’t pass the test of the steps…so I walked away.
when I looked at the steps I knew I didn’t need to do 4 – 9. Fear!!! a few months later I was so desperate to deepen my program and my life that I wrote an inventory. and shared it and made amends. and life went on. I’ve done all 12 in a series a number of times now and i’m always enriched by that process. thanks again for a great post Heidi.
Lori– Thanks for stopping by. You’re right about this. Putting a plug in the jug is just the beginning… or leaving the destructive relationship… or stopping the obsessive eating… or whatever is only the start. I just love the humility of people who have worked the Steps. It is so much easier to talk to them and be real with them, because they are real, too.
MT– Thank you so much for saying this! Thank Pot Pie for me with a bone, OK? I’m encouraged that you left a comment. Have a good weekend.
Marvelously said, Heidi! Seems every time I take the notion that I’ve arrived… a foul odor begins to form. Kind of like Pot Pie after he’s rolled in the green squishy stuff in the cow pastures… God bless, good friend.
I love the analogy to fruit. I’ve met people who just quit the drinking or drugs without working a program. Sorry to be so blunt, but those people can end up becoming what is called a “dry drunk.” Just because they aren’t drinking doesn’t mean they stopped destructive behavior. The people that want to transform themselves, including myself (al-anon), know we are continual works in progress. Thanks for this thoughtful post. Well done.
Hi Heidi–I always get a little nervous when I come here, automatically thinking I won’t “measure up” (whatever the heck that means!). I don’t know a whole lot about the 12 steps or Big Book (did I get that right?)–but I DO believe that God and I have partnered together to make something beautiful of the mess that was my life. I know I haven’t “arrived”, nor will I ever–and everyday I do my best, take whatever small or big steps to keep “growing”, staying green–and not rotting. I hope and pray sincerely and earnestly that I’m doing a reasonable job of walking the talk–not just endlessly talking. I think you know by now, that I’m pretty sold on authenticity and transparency, and Grace–and try to keep a good sense of humor and not be “preachy”. Some days are more successful/victorious than others–that’s life, right? God bless you Big–much love, sis Caddo
Debbie– You’re opinion means a lot. I respect your walk and thank you for commenting. I agree about Sunday School. We don’t have to be in AA or another program for addiction to take advantage of the growth possibilities. Life is so good the other side of denial and pretense and self-deception. I want to give it to everyone I know! Happy, joyous and free. Yes.
Marc– Thank you for all you do in the 12th Step work on your blog. I am blessed to have found your site so early in this blogging adventure. You’re an inspiration! I appreciate your help and your comments so much!
I LOVE this, Heidi!
I think every church should have an ongoing 12 Step Sunday School class.
I’m with Debby: “This could be, should be, substituted for all believers. Imagine if we all walked our talk?”
And I love the fact that you illustrate, in such a fun way, that when we are ripe (quit growing) we rot! So true!
Thank you for being my “Life” sponsor. I learn so much from you every single day!
Debbie
Thank you. My spiritual enlargement has depended on conversations,books and readings like these. Love you
Sherrie– Thank you so much. From what I understand Steps 1 to 3 often happened at the first meeting when AA was young. The newbies got escorted off upstairs and they took the 3rd with a trusted friend. As long as we’re thorough and have the willingness, we can take an increasingly honest look at ourselves from the git go! Painful, but it works. You’re a testament to that.
Debby– I confess, I’ve slashed this one quite a bit. I almost got going in a different direction but I’ve already said it enough. This works for me. I’m happy in AA. Anyone can do The Steps and I’ve never met one person who went through all 12 and was sorry. I can’t say enough good about the process. Thank you so much for the comment. I’m glad to hear from you. Settle in, relax. Welcome back to you and to Mel!
Debby– I confess, I’ve slashed this one quite a bit. I almost got going in a different direction but I’ve already said it enough. This works for me. I’m happy in AA. Anyone can do The Steps and I’ve never met one person who went through all 12 and was sorry. I can’t say enough good about the process. Thank you so much for the comment. I’m glad to hear from you. Settle in, relax. Welcome back to you and to Mel!
I was taken through the steps in the first six months of my sobriety and I think it saved me from over-thinking or pulling away from the steps! Great blog Heidi!
Cathy– I know how frustrating that is. Take your time, or you can email me. Thank you so much for trying. I’m glad you read it and tried to respond.
Chris– What a good perspective on change. I’m very glad you have loved ones that have traveled your path who inspire you and give you hope. I encourage you to continue to watch how they apply the principles and the ones who are truly free… do what they do! You’re on your way. Don’t let the 4th get you down, but be thorough! I’m so glad you have Cathy. She’s made such progress. I appreciate the time you took to add to the discussion here. Thank you very much. Bless you.
Funny you should mention church as one of the places for just talk. All along reading this I was equating “church” and the journey of believers. This could be, should be, substituted for all believers. Imagine if we all walked our talk? I especially like this one Heidi. I’m grateful I had some time to read this thoughtfully (i.e., not on my iPhone on the road
)
I just had a comment written and I lost it ugh!!!
Well said Heidi.
Arriving at the point of “what is this life really about?” and “I’ve got to be doing something wrong if I am facing the same scenario in my life again” I came to that point last summer and began attending Alanon. It has been the best thing I have ever done. I really want to understand myself and see my truth, how else can I change and turn my life around in a positive direction. It has been a bittersweet, painful, joyful, agonizing, freeing and amazing process. Its not easy but as it is said “Change is scary as hell but the alternative is for things to remain the same!” Are you miserable enough, have you had it with the way your life is turning out? I have and the journey of self discovery is worth it.
This does not go without mentioning that I have been blessed with people who have done the hard work before me and paved a path of hope of which I long for. My sponsor was a true gift from God and she lives her program and has been for 36 years. She is dedicated to what truly works and is a desirable example for the many of cross her path. I am most grateful for the pain others have endured to bring that hope to others. Thank you all and you are one of them Heidi.
Love, Chris