Step 4: Dirty Urchins, Raggedy People and Drunks
Two weeks after giving up drinking, I journaled:
I feel wonderful! For over a week, I’ve been feeling so great! I doubt that I’ve felt this happy for this long-ever! One person told me I’m in the ‘pink cloud’ stage. Of course, that helped me develop another resentment, but it didn’t help my sobriety.
My journal is a jumbled tale of ups and downs after that. I find that 43 days after my last drink, I dreamed of Dianne Frieden. She was a hero from my childhood. My father was a hall of fame coach and she was his biggest star. I loved her; idolized her. She had beauty, brains and unprecedented success for an Iowa girls’ basketball player. The year after leading Valley of Elgin to the State Championship, her picture was on all the tickets for the state tournament! Thus, everyone was shocked when a few years later, she took her own life by jumping from a cliff in Hawaii.
In my dream, she was leading me around, teaching me things. I wrote:
Since she’s the first person I knew who took her own life, maybe I’m working through the issue of suicide.
If so, the message was clear to me: She gave up before things could get better. At about a month sober, I was no longer extremely depressed or suicidal but the pink cloud was vaporizing.
Anger Walls
It was about this time that I started to recognize the anger that I felt. Since I’d been numbing myself for so long, I had to get re-acquainted with my feelings. Journaling about the relationships in my life, I wrote that I felt like I was physically crawling over a wall that I’d built up between me and those I loved. The stones in the wall were angry feelings cemented with arguments.
I had gradually stopped spending time with anyone except my business partner. I’d argued with everyone before systematically cutting myself off from all relationships. I didn’t even take phone calls from friends anymore. The phone was an interruption to ‘my time’, meaning my drinking time.
The more I drank, the more afraid I got, yet I continued to isolate. Being angry, afraid and being argumentative wasn’t new to me, but was a well-established pattern. Today I realize that feeling anger and then becoming argumentative is how I express fear.
I had no idea how much Step 4 would help me with the anger and the fear. However, being a typically obsessed alcoholic, I put off working on 4 until I had several helpful guides besides the Big Book. I found one just for women, one by Hazeldon, and one (just in case) that was non-specific to alcoholics. Finally, I packed up and retreated to Prairiewoods for my writing weekend.
Step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
While there, I wrote:
Last night I dreamed I lived in total chaos! Everything was dirty, broken, piled up and rusty. I kept gagging and felt confused. There was mud all over inside the place I lived, windows were broken, there was no grass, only ruts and rocks. Lots of dirty urchins, raggedy people and drunks in all the rooms. I had no place to call “mine’ and every time I found a corner or blanket, someone younger would claim it and I’d give it up because I should.
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Feel free to psychoanalyze me. All I know is that I was aware of how much the old junk was cluttering my life. I was more than glad to be doing the psychological housecleaning of Step 4. This is the first in a series about my 4th Step. What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you hear about that Step?
I don’t feel you are too narrow at all. The more I learn the more I see the Steps are a great process for many areas of life. Keep on keeping on sister!!
Judi– I’ve been thinking about your comment and how it’s not just the addicted who suffers from the soul sickness of the big disconnect from God. I’m going to add a post that speaks to this. Thank you. I’m too narrow in the language of my posts, aren’t I? You know you can email me anytime if you have suggestions. That goes for everyone, by the way! Thank you. Thank you. Stay tuned!
Yes – we all have different journeys and feelings to work with. I know the steps made an impact long ago..in 1996 but I didn’t realize how deeply these “tools” were implanted to help in these following years. I help with a Freedom in Christ counseling which is walking people through some of the very same steps. As I read with new eyes what you are sharing, I am seeing more areas of yuck – not biggies – but things I am ready to process and replace with that truth.
Judi– You’re so right. Shame and blame are the game. We lay down the referee whistle when we finish this step. It’s such a relief. I think we all approach this step in our own fashion and as I’ve said, it’s not normal versus not normal. The important thing is self-honesty. Your 4th step was what it should be for you. Mine was what I needed for my recovery. Someone else’s will be, too. If we take the 4th when we’re not ready, it can be too much. Most of us, I think, put it off way past the ‘ready’ and eventually deny the need at all. What a sad choice. They say pain is the great motivator. Sometimes pain is what gives us the umph to accept truth and make the effort necessary so that we can reap the benefits of change. I’m not aware of anyone taking the time to write out a 4th and then going on as before. Indeed. It usually is obvious to others when they have finished the 4th and 5th. A huge change in the pain level is reflected in their face. I’ve seen it. It’s amazing! I love that you call it removing the yuk and replacing it with truth. Excellent!
Shame was the biggest part of my process. So much shame I did most of the journey without sharing outside of the group. My alcoholic boyfriend never went through AA that I know of. A few detoxes were learned of later but I grabbed Alanon with both hands and realized my own drinking was out of control. Escaping the shame – Facing the shame. I was actually in my surrendering to Jesus time while all this was happening. The dual part of giving up the yuck in my life to receive His goodness. Great points from you and all. Sherrie’s points of bits at a time are very good because when an urge to obliterate with drink comes at me – I know there is another yuck spot that needs to be unearthed and a lie I need to replace with His truth. Saving grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me….
Jen– I know that you more than get the side-effects of suicide and attending grief. It rocked my life and then… as crazy as it seems, it became an option in my head. Insidious, for sure.
I’m glad you could connect with the anger/fear link. My best friends will ask me what I’m afraid of when I get snappy. That’s such a gift. It’s good to have your insight and practical comments. No one should take their emotional health for granted. I’m convinced that we are moving every day. The question is: forward or backward? I know what lies behind and I don’t want to return so that keeps me motivated! Thanks for being here.
Dear Heidi!
I miss you and being HERE! Man you guys are really on a roll.
I am SO sorry you lost an idol to suicide. I can not imagine how that would impact you. I know the loss of suicide and it is not ‘get over-able’ BUT I can sort of understand why. To lose an idol is like heaving a brick in your heart out of place. (not to minimize the pain anyone goes through in losing someone to suicide…)
4th step: almost had me dropping out of the program OR rather the prospect of the 5th step looming large over the 4th step really got me.
I LOVE this:
‘my time’, meaning my drinking time.
The more I drank, the more afraid I got, yet I continued to isolate. Being angry, afraid and being argumentative wasn’t new to me, but was a well-established pattern. Today I realize that feeling anger and then becoming argumentative is how I express fear.
Man! Can I relate! What is the nut of this for me, is sober, clean or not I still use anger to express Fear. I still need the tenets of the program to help me steer clear and stay centered. I am in ACA now and it really helps me to sort out all this JUNK. Funny how getting sober and clean does not a healthy psyche make: I can’t just take any of my recovery for granted. I can’t.
I miss you. YOU are a virtual meeting and I really appreciate what you do for all of us.
Love to you,
Jen
Sherrie– Thank you for telling us how your sponsor handled the 5th. I’m fascinated to think that your assets were hidden. I need to think on that. I wonder if that’s fairly common for addicts… I don’t think mine were, but maybe I don’t know. Good stuff to ponder. Thank you so much for contributing your experience with us.
Al– You said it! Optimism. I remember resenting the optimism of youth when I was drinking. I had no idea I was drowning it daily… I value sobriety so much more than I value drinking. 17 mo. Congratulations. That first year was a rollercoaster for me. I wish you well, buddy.
The earliest appointment I could get with my sponsor was 10 days later, so i had 10 days, but it didn’t take me that long because she restricted me to 2 defects and 3 assets. I was less than 6 months sober and she said we would be doing this over and over so she only wanted to take a bite at a time. It was very powerful for me. I was laid low by the assets (my defects are there for everyone to see….my assets are closely guarded secrets!)
AWESOME Al. What could be better? It really is better than most humans can expect with/or without the disease of alcoholism. And you deserve it! Keep coming back … keep going back!
At 17 months, my pink cloud has evaporated as well, but what it’s left me with is a clarity i don’t ever remember having and an optimism i haven’t felt since i was 12.
Caddo, i love your honesty … just popping in to say. BRAVO!
Caddo– Thank you for your transparency here. I am so happy that your comment didn’t go to Spam. Did you get the problem resolved? Baby steps are good. Keep on steppin’ Sister!
Sherrie–I love that tip. I’ve never heard of it before. So, how long did you give yourself to do the 4th? Just curious. I took a 3 day weekend. You have a wise sponsor. It was the awareness that was so scary… Thank you for sharing this with us. I’m going to start suggesting that too.
Well, I got all teary-eyed, and felt kind of scared. I doubt that I’m the only one, but I more than suspect I’ve got plenty of stuff “stuffed” behind the “genuine transparency”–please hear that I’m not being dishonest, but I limited how much truth I share publicly. I am not in denial–I can tell you, true, that I’ve got “stuff”. Baby steps, you know? (“What About Bob?”) Thank you for being here, my new forever friend–God bless you–love, sis Caddo
When I was about to do my fourth step for the first time an Alanon friend recommended to me that I make an appointment to do my fifth step before I started. I took his advice. When I finished writing I was panicked, it was two day before my scheduled fifth. I called my sponsor, she asked if there was anything on that list that had happened since she had seen me last. I said no, she said…….then it’s the awareness that’s scaring you not the events…..she was so right! I was glad I had a date set, though!
Heidi, another wonderful blog post, you are a treasure!
I think your post is good just the way it is. My anger just happened to come from guilt. Everyone is different. Guilt is an entirely other issue for us to deal with. I even wrote about it on my blog in two parts some time ago. I think it was an attempt to ease my own guilt.
Susie– Thank you for sharing your strength and experience with finding hope. I believe that the only benefit for going back to the material in the 4th Step is for identifying our patterns and learning how we’ve undermined ourselves with our own choices. I just re-read my 4th Step and see how clearly I repeated the same useless behavior, expecting, I guess, a different result. Yup. Insanity. My God has rescued me from that endless cycle and I continue to learn to seek His will. Thanks for being a regular contributor to our GoodLife Group!
Lori– Thanks for adding that very important insight. I’m basically a Fighter and guilt hardly ever breaks through to my consciousness. But anger…. wow. Anger has always been big. I think most of us struggle with both, but Flighters are prone to much more pleasing and therefore, much more guilt.
Thanks again for bringing that up. Perhaps a re-read with guilt in the post might be useful. I don’t know.
Welcome iamzion– The post is a bit confusing because I was writing from that perspective in my journal, but I’m now over 5 years sober and learning a lot. Congratulations on 41. I remember well that week!
Right. I can’t really believe how lightly I used to take the idea. Thanks Melis.
Good Morning
I was just watching Joyce Meyer yesterday talking about our mind as a Battlefield- our thoughts can determine which direction we go – minute by minute, hour by hour and day to day. The Bible says Cast your cares and Set your Mind – I think the 4th step may be the beginning of the yellow brick road – do you remember how Dorothy started out on the brick road and how tiny her first step really was? Then as she stepped out the road became more clearly marked.
We can learn how to capture our thoughts – I think the Bible is the beginning, the middle and the end of True Knowledge – Once we examine our past – asking for any forgiveness from our “past” and then the hard part – forgive – forgive – forgive others – sometimes forgiving many times a day – that’s when the road opens up for us showing us the way to true healing. Jesus forgets our past when we ask for forgiveness – we must forget the past (after reflection) and forge onward to our New Self
No need for me to psychoanalyze, you’ve done a good job for yourself, and you made it through that time. I found this experience of yours to have profound meaning, and I thank you for sharing it. Quick note: I related to your anger and being argumentative coming from fear. Except, for me, I learned that my anger and being argumentative came from guilt.
great post. When I first read the steps I knew I didn’t need to do steps 4 – 9. LOLOLOL
then I realized I had to do them – because I was a massive people pleaser on the outside and a raging lunatic on the inside. Suicide is tragic. How sad for this young woman who seemed ot have it all but didn’t let anyone know about her depression and inner feelings.
I recently came across a little quote that has helped me immensely when I start to feeling down: “everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.”
that says it all for me. every single thing in my life has turned out for the best, if I give myself enough time to see those results. I just need to give myself the time.
take care of you. you’re important to a bunch of us.
Great work on yourself in your journal…I’ve got 41 days sober myself…thanks for sharing and congratulations on 43 days!
Oh Lordie .. stuffing as in overfeeding! I wouldn’t kill the kitties (even though i’m not a huge fan). Actually, i may get a cat just for the fuzziness of it all, and the attachment i make with animals.
Suicide was a word i threw around a LOT! As if to talk about going to a movie. I thought it would be that easy. I assumed i was on that path anyway with all the stupid stuff i was doing with spatulas, food and my throat, that is sticking spatulas and other instruments that could have choked me and cut my throat. I didn’t care who i hurt, especially not me.
I read in, i think Debby’s blog, Hi Debby, about how parents MANY times have to disconnect, or distance themselves from a really sick child. On the other hand, my sickness was kept a secret. Maybe they were making assumptions … i don’t know … and it doesn’t matter anymore.
OK, i got off track. All i know TODAY, for today, and i hope for future todays i won’t entertain these thoughts, and i pray i notice if someone is screaming for help.
The truly sad part of all of this is that there are those who have made up their mind, regardless of the moralality, or selfishness aspects to “DO IT”. That’s what breaks my heart. Even if i knew someone wanted to go, and i tried to help, and i failed, BUT they succeeded, i would have a hard time recovering from that … or at least it would take a lot of introspection and pragmatic “dealing” to recover from the fall-out of such an action. Don’t want to go there!
Melis– Diane was my definition of perfection. She wrote in my autograph book when I was very little. I cherished it. Perhaps I can find it and do a post some day about that.
Debbie and I worked for a suicide prevention program when we first taught together. It was heart breaking. I never would have guessed that I’d come so close to being another casualty of that final delusion.
PS: Stuffing (as in taxidermy or food dish?)
Wow, Debby reminded me i didn’t comment on your Dianne Friedman dream. WOW, that is a huge thing to deal with when you have idolized someone for so long, so deeply. Suicide is such a heart-ripping experience. While i’d understand if someone found their life so unbearable they had made THEIR decision to go, it RIPS my heart out … and i get quite resentful of the person who “did it”. I feel guilt, “why didn’t they talk to me” … or say SOMETHING to ANYONE?
Oh, and i’ve had the dirty room, broken glass dream … it usually includes starving cats????? Then i stuff them. Hmmm, i wonder what THAT’s about. xo
Debby– I was interested in seeing what you say about the 4th, as you must encounter all kinds of reactions to it in your facility. Fear is what I most often hear, too. I was so desperate to change that it honestly didn’t occur to me to be focused on that. But, I also like to talk about myself, so it plays into who I am. Had I known the ugly truths just ahead, I would have been more afraid, I’m sure.
I’d say lifting your legs with your hands while climbing is quite telling! I hope you’ve got some plans for relaxing dead ahead!
Thank you for contributing to GoodLife. I always look forward to it.
My dear Melis– It seems we all swing back and forth between blaming others and shaming ourselves, to some extent. I am more likely to live in the camp of blame and settle in, finding all the excuses for being ‘who I am’ and then focusing on the behavior of the other person and blaming them for not changing. So unproductive. I agree wholeheartedly that we need a guide for the 4th Step. That’s what trusted friends (or Sponsors or therapists) are for!
AA, in my opinion is a good therapy program if you have enough Old Timers that have the wisdom of the program and are living it, sharing it, and loving it! I was so blessed to get started in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. The groups at the club are solid and not doing the Steps is considered a plan to return to the streets.
Honesty, as you mention is the main ingredient in the 4th. Willingness to change is a per-requisite. Thank you for helping out here. I love your comments.
So many good things here, Heidi. Equating anger with fear – big. I think most often true.
Your dream…wow! I’m not one who dreams often or remembers them I guess is more accurate. When I do they are not exotic but usually relate to some facet of the present. Two nights ago I dreamed every part of my body felt weak. I was climbing something like a rock wall and had to left my leg with my hands because it was too weak on its own. Yep – I think we both know where that came from
Dreams can be helpful. Especially when I dreamed our daughter was born very early and she was!
I think fear is the word that comes to mind when I hear the 4th Step mentioned. It’s the perception I have from others. Hesitation too. Although those who have seriously taken on the task of Step 4 have done it fearlessly because they were earnest about recovery and that means changing the stinkin’ thinkin’.
Looking forward to this series.
OK, this time i’m really going to check the box!
OK, now i have to click the magic button!
Oh, that’s an easy one. FEAR! First thing that comes to mind when writing the 4th step. Still, in therapy i find that i do a free-floating, non-stop 4th step … and that’s the basis of my therapy
… trying to “manage” my poo! …Understanding the poo, sorting out which parts are real (which are imagined from low self-esteem) and learning to change the behavior. I’ve found that turning these things around takes a lot of awareness and honesty for STARTERS. Then there’s the work. You really do have to be brave to look at yourself. I think that you MUST discuss the process with someone who has been through it before. I don’t think that all people can do this in early stages of recovery. I don’t. I know that you probably think that the steps must go in order, but i think some people have a lower “ego strength” and could perhaps tear themselves apart by fearlessly digging into themselves. What do you think? Oh boy … go easy on me Heidi. 