Step 4: Column 1 Resentments, The Number One Offender
This series of posts will examine the simple guide to Step 4 as outlined in the book. Bill W tells us in order to deal with our resentments we must set them down on paper. A Not So Scary printable Resentments Worksheet is in the sidebar of every post
This process starts simply. It is nothing to be afraid of. Many people avoid this step because they fear dredging up their past. If you bear with me, you will see that this is not a list of all the wrongs you’ve committed. Actually, it’s a list beginning with the people who have done things that made you feel crazy. It feels great to spend a little time recalling who they are and what they did!
Those of us who cannot face even that much of our past will continue to be controlled by the things that have caused us pain. I think that’s what Bill meant by saying resentments destroy us. Take a stab at step 4 or remain under the control of other people. it’s simply self-defense.
1. The first column heading is: I’m resentful at…
In column one list all the people, principles or institutions you’ve been angry with. These names would look like a list of Who’s Who for your hit list. Everyone you’ve ever wished harm should make the list along with people you wish would just disappear. We’re not even going to think of column two until you’ve dredged up all the people who really bug you.
Chronologically, I started with a resentment that happened before grade school. I have a long memory, which serves me for ill and for good. The best thing about the alcoholic’s tendency to hang onto injuries (perceived or real) is that we can easily recall them for the inventory of Step 4!
For example, when I was 4, my younger brother took my favorite toy. It was a duck pull-toy that quacked when the wheels turned. I can see the rubber feet smacking the hardwood floor and hear the incessant quacking as I pulled it along. It made my list and so did my Mom for telling me Randy could keep it because he was the baby and I was older. (This was the precursor to a dynamic that created a resentment continuing for the rest of my life– until this step removed it. No snickering!)
So I wrote Randy on my list and a few lines down, I wrote Mom. Just the names for now.
Mentally work your way from grade school to high school and then take every decade and remember the places you lived; the jobs you had; organizations you belonged to.
Bill says to include institutions and principles that we resent. Things like the IRS and the city’s finest, your local police department. I had a church that shall not be named which I added to the list and that reminded me of several more individuals that I regretted ever meeting. I added them.
By principles Bill meant the bits of conventional wisdom or familiar expressions that we hate to hear. Mine was “You made your bed, now you lie in it.” People toss those words in your face like a pan of ice water when you’re flat on your back. Are they trying to make us feel worse? I took issue with that saying on every level. Ever since I was 6, I was proud of having a well-made bed and I’ve never once flopped on it afterwards. Also, symbolically, it didn’t work for me. I just could not see how some of the problems I dealt with had anything to do with me or my choices. If you asked me, my problems just happened because of what other people did. Are you with me?
Take a good look at anything that riles you. What are your pet peeves? I had to put a faction of one political party on my 4th step. Until I started the step, I had no idea how mad they made me. Until I remove all the anger, I have no idea how much of my life is tainted by resentments. Just do it. Make your list.
If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, 2012, p 66
~ The mind can only hold onto one thought at a time, so once the list is finished, most people are astounded at how many things make them angry. Are you going to be surprised by how many you might list?
~ For inspiration I’ve consulted the Joe and Charlie tapes from Silkworth in order to clarify Bill’s original instructions.
Number 9– You couldn’t have said anything that makes me smile bigger! I hope that you are able to face the 4th Step fear and go to it! The rewards are really there. Let the miracle begin!
I’m glad I found your blog. I’ve been procrastinating my 4th Step and your tips and worksheets help.
I forgot to mention that the Not So Scary Resentments worksheet is in the sidebar. Help yourself! I mean that, literally. It really does help.
Jan– I’m glad you think the 4th Step suggestions will be helpful when the pot boils over. Good to see you here. We have wonderful discussions around the Goodlife circle. Welcome to the group!
An interesting view at resentments. I like it. Resentment sits like stew and occasionally bubbles over. I have tried to learn to face them and let go for personal freedom. The suggestions made above will be wonderful support for new thoughts of resentment when they descend! Thank you. Bloom on.l
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Sherrie- I do thank you for your support!
You remind me of Lisa, when I say something nice about her she says, “you just like me”
Truth is I’m not one for flattery, you really are simply that good. One of the blessings I’ve gotten in sobriety is my vision is clear and you dear are a stunner!
You wanna give me those rose-colored glasses now?
I don’t think it is generosity, I simply have a better view of your work!
I just pray that my hopeful experiences of The Steps might encourage others. You are generous with me but thank you for the encouragement. Welcome back!
Your ability to explain and encourage with the same words is elegant and powerful! You are my 4th Step hero!! I love doing the steps and the freedom that they afford me, but for those who haven’t yet made that connection you offer them the road map and the enticement, Bravo and great job! (by the way, I am catching up, traveling has left gaps in my blog reading)
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Caddo–I’m so glad you told me about your comments going to Spam. I wish I knew how to stop it. I appreciate your honest about the blog resentments. We’ve all been there, sister!
Louise– I struggled with keeping this short so that there was little confusion about the process, but one thing I will add is that if an episode is quite bothersome journaling about that is a great idea. Of course, you’re a writer, so going all out was not overwhelming. I had it all written out anyway because I was a constant journaler. I would be surprised if no one ever issued a reward for the destruction of those!
I used to have the best memory. then I did the 4th step (a number of times because I couldn’t get it right LOL) and now, years later, my memory is lousy LOL. a resentment, once released is gone. so I didn’t include those on subsequent inventories. I couldn’t follow these simple instructions the first time I did a 4th – I had to write an autobiography – it was the only way I could get my brain to work. but eventually I did it this way. it works too!!!
Sure.
You’re smart!
Sometimes I just need help thinking.
Thanks.
KT–I am speaking in generalities, but it seems to me if it’s not a resentment–it’s not.
Hi Heidi! I was about to “rest on my laurels” and just tell you how freeing it was for me to finally give up 50-plus years of resentments in March 2011. And that was a way significant victory–for sure! However, just this week I was writhing in resentment about my blog problems (writhing and wallowing–how un-Caddo-like!!)–it’s true, I own up to it. And I’ve turned the corner with my attitude, if nothing else! God bless you Big, sister–love, sis Caddo
Hmm. Do we list them if we no longer hold the resentment? (The older I get, the smarter my mom gets . . . ) What if it’s something I used to resent, but now it just makes me sad? Thanks for this.
You put it so well … that once we get things things written down and worked through, they turn into an “unemotional anecdote.” Love that expression.
Lori– I am so honored that you would share these recollections from your past. Definitely good 4th Step work going on! Your response to being able to get it into writing is typical of what we experience from actually taking the 4th Step seriously and writing things down. Once written down most things fade into an unemotional anecdote. Those things that remain an issue are dealt with in further action after the 5th. I wish everyone would try the Steps. Perhaps your comment will encourage someone. Thank you for sharing this. Never apologize for being long. I just appreciate your being here.
Wow, this one stirred up a ton of thoughts.
You reminded me of something similar from when I was a kid. My mom always said to me, “you should know better because you’re the oldest.” Huh? I was a kid too, not an adult. I DIDN’T know better. I didn’t hold a resentment against my brother for that one, but held one toward my mom for thinking I was always supposed to just “know” something. I was just a kid.
And, having said that, I HAVE gotten over that resentment, believe it or not. Your mention of your toy and your brother just reminded me.
I’m sorry this is so long, but you really got my thought juices flowing. One thing I’d like to share is something that happened to me a few years ago. I had a resentment against my mother-in-law (MIL) something fierce. To the point where I didn’t speak to her for two years! When working on myself, I read something that told me to look at what peeves me in someone else, and see if I can find that same characteristic in myself. Do you know what? I did find it in me!! I was appalled that I could be doing the same thing that she did. I did it to a lesser degree, but I still did it. Do you know that after the initial shock, this realization helped my resentment to fade away?
Thanks for this wonderful topic and opportunity to share my thoughts.
Mel– Excellent comment. I appreciate the question, too. It’s normal to anticipate just writing till your hand gets numb. In actuality if we look at the example in the AA text, there’s very little room to go on and on. I think Bill was so wise in giving really tough issues. Look at page 65. I can’t believe how few words he uses to describe the convoluted office/friend situation. Pretty heavy stuff. Count the words of the second column. Brief is the key. I’ll discuss that in my examples coming up. No fear. This isn’t meant to be a best-seller. (Not that some couldn’t be!) It’s not normal versus abnormal, but rather, self-honest versus covering up that’s at stake here. We’re all fairly normally messed up. Am I right? No one who won’t admit to having some cracks would hang around here very long, I suspect. I’m so glad your hangin’ with me, Mel.
Debby– Wow. How honest. I’m blessed to have such an open comment to this post! You’ve expressed the feelings of so many. It makes my heart happy that you’re even thinking about doing this. I just wanted to inspire one person to take another look at the 4th. It’s the gateway to self understanding and the beginning of peaceful times. It’s not so hard. It’s simple. It’s not real easy because of the fear factor. 9 times out of 10, the issues we list are resolved during the process of listing. It’s nearly miraculous the way it works. I do think it’s worth every bead of sweat on the brow to get it started, but then, that’s true or I wouldn’t be here.
Compelled. Is it that obvious? ha, I so appreciate your presence here. Thank you.
Oh, honey, i will NOT be surprised by the novel i will write. I’m certain i could write a book on who did what toward me, and what i did to others. Actually, i like the idea of starting with my resentments towards other vs. the resentments I KNOW people hold against me (family and friends … co-workers) i’m SURE the list will be enormous. Is that normal?
Heidi, I don’t have the memory you do and mostly I’ve been thankful for that. To be honest, I’ve always shunned this part because I really don’t want to think of people, in particular, who may on the list. I don’t want to give them head space. Please don’t take this as be saying it’s not important or an area that can be skipped over. I’m really just confession for my inability to be able to seriously look it at. I’m also a bit scared of the feelings the memories may hold. But I’m not saying no to it. And I’m glad you’ve made it so clear that even I can attempt it.
Thank you, Heidi, for being so committed to your recovery you’re compelled to share the good news and good life with others.
Debbie– Yes, the freedom from doing Step 4 often comes from facing ourselves. Typically, I only realized I needed to be on my list way after I was done with everyone else. I’ve always leaned easier to the blame than shame. Just one more way we’re opposite. Thank you for saying you find the piece practical. That means a lot to me.
Cath–My goal was to make this a Not Scary preparation for Step 4. The past is full of bogey men and bogey shapes, but I’ve yet to find anything quite as exhilarating as facing my fears and feeling them slide away! Thank you for saying you’re inspired. I am happy.
Heidi,
This is great! Stepping through step four. Simplicity at its best. Well done. I’ll have fun making a new list. Never hurts.
Heidi –
Thank you for encouraging me to do this. I didn’t have an extra long Who’s Who list (not a real good memory here) but when you added ‘what riles me’, my list suddenly got quite a lot longer! Once again, thank you for making this so accessible and practical for all of us.
By the way – I was at the top of my list. No surprise there – I had to do a Step 4 on myself…