Step 4: Why It Works Like a Sticky Trap For Rats of Resentment
At the end of my drinking days I was suffering from an unseen soul-sickness that had become an infestation.
When I was spiritually ill, drinking myself to oblivion and isolating from everyone, I knew there was a problem. I was angry, fearful and guilt-ridden. I had a soul sickness that needed a treatment. I’d already tried self-help programs and books, counselors, classes, and religion. I knew something had to give. I was going to either explode or implode from these unpredictable mood swings. Nothing could touch this anger that was broiling up from deep inside. Nothing.
But not everyone that finds relief from the 12 Steps is an addict. Addiction is a disease, but the substance is not the only problem, the real source of the problem is deeper than those symptoms. The source of the sickness is actually no respecter of persons. Are you easily tipped when the unexpected happens? When your guard is down how do you respond?
“Surely what a man does when he is taken off his guard is the best evidence for what sort of man he is…If there are rats in a cellar, you are most likely to see them if you go in very suddenly. But the suddenness does not create the rats: it only prevents them from hiding. In the same way, the suddenness of the provocation does not make me an ill-tempered man: it only shows me what an ill-tempered man I am…Apparently the rats of resentment and vindictiveness are always there in the cellar of my soul.” ~ CS Lewis
It’s true and if someone like CS Lewis can admit it, why can’t anyone? I admit all the ‘crap’ from the Resentment Rats and Vindictive Rats was buried in my soul. I was belching it up or swallowing it and all the time getting sicker and sicker. The only way to trap the Rats and clean out the cellar of my soul was by admitting they were there. The 4th is crucial for soul healing. That’s why I camp on the necessity for writing out a 4th Step. If we are willing to face the fear of our past and apply as much self-honesty as possible, well then, we have every reason to expect that we will see results.
Are you guilt-ridden? Angry? Do you have an inexplicable feeling of pending doom? Do you feel deep down lonely and shut off from the grace of God? Working the Steps is like setting a sticky trap for the Rats.
If we want to get rid of what blocks us off from God, we will have to get rid of resentment fear, guilt and remorse. That is what the 4th Step is all about. This is the sticky trap solution. When those things leave the cellar of my soul, then God’s Will can come in. That’s the power of the 12 Steps. Do the 4th.
PS: Each week we will examine another column. Comments about column one, anyone? Do you have just one resentment that you are willing to chart out? I suggest you choose one that is ‘no big deal’ in order to try the process. Anyone game?
Caddo– Wow. That’s an amazing story. Thank you for illustrating perfectly how soul sickness sucks the very life out of us. God uses different methods in all of our lives. I just happen to have been rescued by the 12 Steps, but He’s not limited to that and I love hearing your story. I’ve known others who have been the unfortunate victims of irresponsible prescripting. It’s miraculous that you got out of it that way. If my math is right you lived with that massive depression for over 5 years? I’m so sorry. Thank you for sharing your amazing journey with GoodLife.
Stick around. We’re going to get more detailed.
Critters sounds like racoons or possums to me. I hope they weren’t that large, but at any rate, you’re right. The 5th should follow quickly so that the truth of the 4th is not too much to bear. It would be a good idea to decide who you can trust with the skeletons while examining them. Then we can make an appointment ahead of time, like you suggested earlier. Having the deadline will be added motivation to be done with it.
Always wonderful Heidi!
I came home Thursday night to find three critters trapped and dead in my kitchen…….having died at some point during my two weeks away. I believe this speaks to doing a prompt 5th and not leaving those dead things to stink up your life!!!! lol
steps 4 thru 9 are what make the program different from other ‘self help’ programs because they force us to face those things that aren’t working and deal with them. amazing process, IMO. and yes, you can pay me anytime LOL
Judi– Isn’t that amazing! Thanks for telling me that and big ol’ thanks to Mel!
Louise– Should I mention you were not a paid contributor? I probably would have paid for someone to add that. I hear it all the time, but most people are not aware of the power behind the 4th. It is the beginning of the cure for so many people! Cure being peace of mind and a healthy serenity.
Lori–Thanks for stopping by. No, most people do not want to look at themselves.
Until I read Mel’s comment, I never thought about my bulimia days as part of this…but it reallly was….wow. Wishing you more than luck Mel!
Hi Heidi! I just want to say that you are a wonderful “coach”, here–I love your spirit, your transparency, your encouragement–you invite “real”. I also liked the C S Lewis quote. I’ll try to be “concise”, but you know what a challenge that is for me:
In the fall of 2005 I determined that with God’s help I needed to end my dependency on Rx narcotic pain meds. I’d been taking them for years–and for very real physical pain–but didn’t realize that by this time, I was treating the addiction rather than the pain issues. I say this truthfully, because I wasn’t taking the pills for a “euphoric” effect (and don’t recall ever getting that), and only wanted the pain gone. I also had no experience with “addictions”–so I was naively in a mess. (It’s amazing how ignorant the prescribers can be.)
So I weaned off the long list of drugs (which should have killed a male elephant)–and with remarkable speed and ease. God was Very Present. And by Dec 15, 2005 I was “clean”–and very euphoric about the Victory. Honestly, it was the biggest thing I’d ever done, and I thought surely I could fly. This joy lasted till about Jan 2, 2006–and then I fell into a depression like I hadn’t remembered before. And angry?? I stayed angry–about Everything in my whole life–for the next 5 years. Soul sick?? Oh yeah. I think I went to bed every night with the same prayer that God would just kill me and do us both a favor. I was of no use to him, as horrible and hateful as I was then.
But I didn’t die (or kill anybody else), and God continued to be Present–and then in March 2011 I caught the revelation. The Light came on–about how much Jesus really loved me–and the Truth: that I needed to forgive Everybody, dump all the bitterness and craving for “justice” (revenge)–and start LIVING.
And so I did.
Lovely post. the 4th step changed my life.
This is a wonderful piece. Not everyone is willing to look at themselves.
P.S. is this one of the Texas finest traps you’ve perfected? Debbie says you’ve become quite the expert rat catcher …
Oh honey! Soul sickness, or soul suffocation was/is the basis of my bulimia. I peeled away a lot of crap and sticky rats to find out my soul had been eaten by rats, if not by me. Well, there are more layers. Oh yes, Guilt, probably reason 1 i am truly being so helpful with dad these days. Here’s my antidote on that ONE issue. I made an adult decision to help a man who needs help. This will be hard. I will face my fear and some resentment AND some anger, and will help my dad. Ironically, the anger, resentment and fear has more to do with my brother who may or may not show up to help … who told me 12 different stories about why he’s coming this weekend, 12 different ETA’s … and the main reason he’s coming is to bury mom’s urn … who wants to be written out of the Will. Course we don’t know if mom had a Will, that’s just the C family way. We’re TAKING IT WITH US.
My interpretation is the Lost CHild, the bad girl, is being set up to pack all of dad’s things because of the times i missed going home. I’m in charge, and they (Jeff and Carlos) will come to the burial to ensure their names still appear on Bob’s Will (unless he does take it with him).
Me, I have love in my life, and i worked for it. I have love in my life because i sacrificed for it. I have love in my life because i chose to go get it and nourish it, and expand it.
And now, i’m blathering like a 4th Step dipshit. OK … so i’ve faced a few of my defects and turned those defects into OWNERSHIP! I am my own UNIT in this situation now. I can make it all about resentment, or use my time wisely … get the job done … have a nice few meals with dad … show him my pics from AK, and just float.
WISH ME effing luck!!! XO mel
It really is about soul-sickness isn’t it, Heidi? I’m standing with you on this.