Step 4: Column 2 The Cause Knot
Now that we have the first column naming people, institutions and principles we can move on to the second column. Refer to the Not Scary Resentments Worksheet of Step 4 in the side bar. In this column, we ask ourselves why we are angry. It’s a little like undoing a spaghetti knot. Why am I upset with that person? Why did I hate that saying?
Write as few words as possible in the cause column. If you check the example on page 65 of Alcoholics Anonymous, you can see Bill covered some pretty dicey situations using no more than 19 words! You do not need an 8×10 color glossy to explain this, nor a 500 word essay.
Going back to the duck that my mom called a ‘nerve toy’, I will show how I completed the second column. Beside Randy in the middle column of the page I wrote “took my duck” That covers the first infraction. Then I add things pertinent to later life. “stopped speaking when he didn’t agree with my divorce” and “withdrew from family”. I didn’t use my allotted 19. I have 4 left. I could add more, but that really does cover what he did that made me angry.
Across from Mom I wrote “liked him best.” but shortly I realized under that was “ focuses on the male gender”. A few minutes later, the original wound occurred to me. The day I was delivered she “told the Dr to put me back and get a boy”. That sums up the reason I was angry with my mom. Only two false starts and I used 11 words to pinpoint the exact issue. Even if I leave all of it, I met the maximum 19 words. I find limiting the words focuses the issue.
What becomes clear in the second column is that the cause of the problem eventually defines the person. The problem and the person had become the same thing. If I saw the person coming toward me, I thought the problem was going to talk to me. The judgmental attitude was going to speak. The insult was going to attack. The misunderstanding was going to interrupt and ruin my day!
In reality, it’s what people have done to you that makes you upset. You can exchange the names and mix the causes and you realize something important. It’s not them that makes you upset. It’s what they’ve done to you that makes you upset.
Recognizing this allows me to think of all the good things that I remember about my brother and my mom. It makes me accept some gray thinking instead of choosing to see them as white hat or black hat players. Frankly, whether they meant me ill or meant me good, I wouldn’t be the character I am today without their colorful influence.
As one little kid said about me, “She’s got more character than anyone I know.”
Indeed!
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Brilliant, insightful, I adore your writing and your recovery!!!
https://iamnotshe.wordpress.com/2012/06/26/thanks-for-reading-award/ Just passing along an award: Thanks for reading … ERM, i have another one coming up that you might be able to accept more readily. I know you like to keep a low profile, but you are a great sister, and i need to show some love .xoxoox, melis
Hey you … (see other communications). I won’t go into my same good “grief” here
. We’re good, and maybe i’ll pass on my in depth look at flashing back to the “original throttlers”. No time for that now. I’ll be passing on Step 4 unless i do it seriously. xo mel
Mel– First, know that you are doing so well in your recovery. From all I read in your blog, you’re fighting a good fight and are in a much better space than ever. I can see how this would flash you back to family dynamics that were extremely damaging for you. Please don’t go there or think that I’m suggesting that you do so without the assistance of a guide. I’m not that.
Secondly, the 4th Step doesn’t have anything to do with reconciliation. That’s a common misinterpretation. It is only a self inventory. It is a helpful way to face oneself. I would recommend that anyone who wants to do a real 4th step, the first thing to consider is a mentor, a counselor, or a guide that is qualified to address the trash that might be unearthed. I had a sponsor and many trusted friends that helped me a great deal.
I think my summary statements of the hats and the grey gave the impression that all is well in these relationships. We’re human. We still have issues, but we’re so much better because I did the work necessary to face myself. Once my defenses were lowered, there wasn’t much to react to, really. I had a deep inability to accept people as they are. When that got better…their behavior didn’t sting so much. If someone tells me “you’re too controlling” I can say, “You nailed it.” I know my faults and therefore, I can now let God work on my natural defects. He’s doing a pretty good job, too. I wouldn’t have understood my weaknesses before doing the 4th. That’s what has freed me. I’m passionate about it, but I don’t recommend jumping into it unadvised. Does that make any sense?
Yes, well, this has a CLANGING BELL going off in my head. That is exactly how my parents and i always “walk toward one another”. Here comes the “slight” the diagnosis, the prognosis, the “problem”, my “shortcoming” … how “better off other people are than me” … etc. Yawn. While mom was still alive we couldn’t resolve anything. She was too ego-weak? for any kind of reconciliation. I did it through Don. He taught me love, and how to love “parents” for their sacrifices (real and minimal) … and i learned a lot from love. Oh, yes, i still get angry, however i’m convinced that most of the shit that comes out of my mouth doesn’t “mean” much, so i’m assuming i better give other people the benefit of the doubt.
YES, I CONFESS: I cannot always directly tell someone they have hurt me with their words, and i STILL withdraw (in casual acquaintance situations), i.e., DE-blog, as i have only so much strength to deal with all misunderstandings OR statements that are quite off-base. Sometimes that is ok, but when i READ this post, all i can think is IF i try to reconcile, or have someone explain whatever-the-hell-it-is-they-said-that-upset-me, that they will attack. They will say i’m stupid or weak, or sick for forming that impression. Gee, i wonder where THAT came from? Still RIP mom … for another time … feeling like shit now. We’re good, Heidi … this is hard topic. I’m guilty of anger that i (a) have to clarify and let victims off the hook, or (b) forgive myself for getting pissed off!
Cathy–Thanks for your comment. I know you’ve worked hard with your Step work. It becomes a way of life and one that holds answers as we learn to do the hard thing- accept life on life’s terms. That includes being able to face ourselves. Good topic for another post!
I’m so grateful for the twelve steps. Their reaction is so not about me as well as my reaction is not about them as I demonstrated yesterday in a reaction to someone else. Therefore the opportunity to take a closer look at me. Examine myself. Golly gee this will be good.
I even get mad at my own solutions, addiction. It’s my choice to change it, work it as it is with how I see/ respond to others.
Thanks so much Heidi.
Love Cath
Caddo– Keep those sandals dust-free and your pencil sharp! I’m glad to hear from you. You should be here anytime you want to be. There’s no need to wax eloquent in our circle. I am so glad that you have shared your thoughts with us. By the way, keep doing whatever you’re doing. This wasn’t in spam!
Hmmm. I’m thinking “gray is better–kinder, more full of Grace”. And I’m also aware that I don’t do the “70 times 70″ thing very well–I don’t have a specific number, but there’s a point where people have used up their chances with me. I shake off the dust and move on. And deal with my residual resentment, etc. This is all way harder than poetry–maybe I shouldn’t try to be here late at night. God bless you Heidi–and everyone. love, sis Caddo
Debbie– Thank you for jumping in and adding your grace-filled comment today. I pray for His will in my work, my thoughts and my speech, but at times my Irish German temperament pulls me into discord. You’ve seen plenty of that over the years and yet you exhibit constant grace in dealing with me. You’ve been a very good example of letting go of the desire to judge and letting go of resentments, giving me space and giving God time to change me. It will take more, always more. I am hopeful that I may grow in grace and forgiveness in His timing. Thank you for adding your thoughts here.
Louise–I appreciate your comment about removing certain people from our trusted list. I don’t believe most people are entirely good or entirely evil. I have limited experience, though. Most of the people in my life fall into the ‘damaged’ and ‘wounded’ categories. Like them, I was doing what I knew and I didn’t know better. Drawing lines in relationships is so important. Boundaries keep us healthy and strong–give us room to recover and grow. I like your reminder that the focus on the Steps is to examine our side of the street, or sheet, as the case may be. We’re going to get there. Thank you for your insight, as always.
Sometimes people in our lives are clinically diagnosable. Anyone curious about personality disorders can check out her excellent resource at Louise Behiel
Debby– Bill gets the credit! In column 2 concerning Mr Brown he writes: “His attention to my wife, told my wife of my mistress, Brown may get my job at the office”! A lot going on there in 19 words. I would have had a chapter for each issue! I do think journaling is a very good idea while going through the Steps. There’s a lot of poison, a lot of confusion, a lot of stuff that just needs to find a way out of our heads. But limiting the descriptions in the columns keeps us clear about the real issues. Thanks for the commendation. It meant a lot today.
BMc– Thank you for sharing your experience with us. Ideally, every post would include the following disclaimer:
I don’t speak for AA, but only speak to my experience with AA and the wonderful change that has resulted in my life as a result of the 12 Steps. One of the biggest blessings that I’ve received from being in this program is that I have learned from the Old Timers to be OK with people disagreeing with me occasionally–or sometimes, often! Honestly, sometimes I don’t totally agree with me by the time a post gets published. The wonderful thing about this organization is that you and I can be equally passionate, can passionately disagree, and still stay not only in the program but in sobriety. As long as neither of us drinks over it, we are no worse off and may down the road move closer to the same truths. So, for all my posts and ramblings, take what helps, dismiss what doesn’t and my prayers will be answered.
With that out of the way, I would like you to know that what you describe is very sad. I’m sorry that this has been your experience. You’ve certainly had much to overcome and pain beyond average.
I am also much more selective about the people I trust. I think that’s part of facing reality. I respect that. You might like the following post which addresses this topic:
My intention was to say that during the 4th Step I got a more rounded picture of individuals, once I could see beyond the pain I’d experienced. All of the people in my life are a mix of good and bad characteristics. I couldn’t really see that through the prism of my defensiveness.
It sounds like you have beaten the odds in finding your way to sobriety and longevity in your marriage. I wish you well and hope you continue to take what helps from this series, discarding that which doesn’t work in your situation. Thank you so much for commenting.
Heidi, I like your recommendation to use few words as it helps sharpen the focus. So true. And also you you recognized even the hurts in our life have contributed to who we are today, the good and bad. The bad, we can make better. Wonderful instruction here.
interesting post and interesting comments. I have to always look at my side of the sheet and step 4 gets me there eventually as I work across the columns. Usually it’s because I reacted to their behavior and felt less than other people. but I also have to take responsibility after the 4 th and 5th steps to ensure that toxic people are out of my life. I don’t give people lots and lots of chances anymore becuase I’ve learned I’ve been programmed to tolerate the untolerable. so now I don’t go there so often or so long. can’t wait to see the rest of these posts. well done.
“The problem and the person had become the same thing. If I saw the person coming toward me, I thought the problem was going to talk to me. The judgmental attitude was going to speak. The insult was going to attack. The misunderstanding was going to interrupt and ruin my day!”
I love the way you put this, Heidi. I’m guilty, on the one hand, of allowing the problem and the person to morph into one and the same…
WHILE, on the other hand, expecting/praying/hoping people see me as more than just the sum of my bad behavior.
We all wear both hats at some point.
I really appreciate your reminder that there’s more to examine than simply how I’m treated – or how I’ve treated others. A key to forgiveness for me – both in extending it to others and accepting it myself – has been in letting go of my need to judge and hold on to anger and resentments.
Hi Heidi,
What you were saying sounds like, “He’s not a bad person. He just has bad behavior.”
A person’s behavior absolutely defines that person. They aren’t separate. Did I misunderstand? “It’s not them that makes you upset. It’s what they’ve done to you that makes you upset.” But if they’re absolute losers, it IS them. They ARE their behavior.
I remember a few good things about my dad, but not much. He did go to work every day until his alcoholism got him fired when I was about 17 and killed him when I was 20. (I have been on my own since I was 17.) But what I remember mostly are the times he flung dishes across the room, slammed me against the wall, or was too drunk to get out of bed to go to work. My mother left all of us (me and 3 younger siblings) when I was 15 and had moved out of state by the time I was 19. She worked hard to become a flaming drunk and at almost 80 is rarely sober. The one sibling who went with her is a meth addict with totally hosed children (no wonder, in that environment). The 3 grandkids who were raised by their drunken father on her “compound” have illegitimate children and have done jail time. (My drunk sister died and left 3 kids behind.) My mom didn’t care for them any more than she cared for her own 7 children.
Yes, my parents had influence over me, but thank goodness I was able to create a better life for myself (I have been sober for a year, married 25 years, and have a wonderful life). What do I credit them for? Certainly not for how I’ve ended up. Before I decided not to follow in their footsteps, I could say that I learned that being a lush was socially acceptable in our family, so why not? Then I thought, “Why should I? I have everything any one could want and no damned reason to be drunk or to die young!” So I quit cold turkey.
There is no “gray,” as far as I”m concerned. They are (or were) their behavior.