Step 4: Are You A Friend Among Friends?
I was not. I’m still learning.
At one time I thought I had the perfect life but it was built upon the proverbial shifting sand of illusions about myself. The mental image of my perfectly put-together life toppled into rubble abruptly on the evening before the first day of Spring in 2007. I was drinking, as usual, and it was past bedtime. I heard a knock at the door and one of my best friends made the statement we all cringe to hear, We need to talk. The following is from the notes I took regarding my increasingly offensive and unacceptable behavior:
- easily angered
- constantly critical
- filled with mistrust and doubt
- alternately chastising and questioning
- lacking the ability to give anyone else credit or praise
- treating all my friends and family as if they’re accountable to me
It was summed up with Nothing I do is right unless I’m acting just like you. It was clear that I believed I was in charge of those around me. Not just in charge, but their judge and jury, as well. I was not an equal, a friend.
We have not once sought to be one in a family, to be a friend among friends, to be a worker among workers, to be a useful member of society. Always we tried to struggle to the top of the heap, or to hide underneath it. This self-centered behavior blocked a partnership relation with any one of those about us. ~ Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, 2012, p 53
When I read the following discourse on Step 4 in the 12 x 12 book, I knew this was the program for me.
The primary fact that we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being. Either we insist upon dominating the people we know, or we depend upon them far too much. If we lean too heavily on people, they will sooner or later fail us, for they are human, too, and cannot possibly meet our incessant demands. ~ Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, 2012, p 53
In order to do a thorough Step 4 inventory, we include all relationships that have an element of recurring trouble, or puzzlement. No relationships that fall into that category? Then you don’t ever need to do a 4th step. Simple. The symptoms that force us to do a thorough inventory are symptoms of low self-esteem: worry, anger, self-pity and depression.
The main reason to do a fourth step is the desire to face oneself. Caution. The following are precursors:
- Gut-level willingness to change
- Completion of Steps 1, 2 and 3
- Guidance from someone familiar with the 12 Step program
Usually, as in my case, it’s the direct result of pain too great to bear. Sometimes, however, it’s the result of personal growth and wanting very much to continue to grow in truth. It may never feel like the perfect time to attempt this work. Perhaps if you are questioning the necessity, you could ask someone who knows you well. In my case, I got the answer before I asked the question. Lucky me. Truly.
PS: The sequel to this emotional encounter: Why Would Someone Who’s Doing Fine Turn to AA?
Sherrie–Thank you for sharing this bit of wisdom and for your constant encouragement.
I was the judge…..who needs the help of a jury when you are the judge…..that was the question I lived with but never asked! Now in recovery I still judge, but I do what my first sponsor calls mirror inventory, which is where I take your inventory, don’t tell you and reflect it back on myself to see what I can learn about me, much more effective and less painful for all concerned!
Great blog, Heidi! I can’t say often enough how much respect and admiration I have for you and the work you do!
Becki–Welcome. Keep comin’ back. We’ll save you a seat!
This is truly a phenomenal blog. I’m glad I found it.
Amen – in both directions for me LOL
Louise–Never too late to join the circle! Family is so emotion-fraught. I’m glad you can remind yourself you are only accountable for your choices, not your child’s.
I was not an easy one to raise, I’m sure! My mom and I are getting along very well now. Fewer expectations from me has really greased the connection.
Heidi, I’m sorry I’m late to the party – this is such an incredible post. I see parents doing this with adult children all the time. I try not to…but I don’t always make it. Interesting to me that I have less trouble with my daughter then my son. but he was always the high needs kid who was forever screwing up. But…I’m learning and practicing and trying to remember he’s an adult in charge of his life and while I might feel left out it’s my choice about where I live and what I do.
Always a work in progress, right? Blessings to you.
Lori– You make me blush. I have so very far to go and the only limits I face are self-imposed by denial of reality. It’s become almost fun to see my limits, my defects and know He is the One who will remove them. They DO keep peeking up and I still struggle with the ones I listed. Trying to yield to His work, not struggle. Hope in His grace keeps me going.Thank you for your visits here, Lori.
Debby– Thank you for commenting. Sometimes I get the idea that we addicts have the corner on all sin. It’s not so. I just get myopic at times. You’re so right. Control issues are rampant in our lives. Healthy boundaries are necessary for all concerned. I continue to give thanks to God for sending this friend to my door at just exactly the right juncture in my life! Thank you for being here, too. I’m confident He put you in my life also.
Didn’t have a chance to get to this yesterday and I’ve read it too fast just now. But not so fast I didn’t recognize there’s been many “dry drunks” in my family. I’m not using that term exactly right but for my immediate family who abstained from drink/drugs there are some real identifying markers there. Much to think on. Keep it up, Heidi. Good stuff.
As usual, you got my thoughts stirring. It amazes me to read how far you’ve come, and it gives me hope. I’ve never known someone who is the way you described yourself to be before the 12 steps, to humble themselves enough to look at their own behavior the way you did. Those things you faced about yourself were pretty tough things to look at, and it’s inspirational.
For me, I remember being afraid that if I stopped being defensive, then everyone would walk all over me. I had trouble learning how to pick my battles. It took a lot of time and practice, and occasionally I still need to stop and pray to figure it out.
Thanks for your ever thoughtful posts.
Thank you Heidi for baring your soul and giving such beautiful insight to all of our struggles
God Bless
I debated the necessity of posting this list of my control issues that fall under the character defect of self-seeking behavior. But I think it makes a good example of what others might want to list in their 2nd column for Causes. I probably have made a lot of people’s inventory lists. I also wanted to give the cautions listed. This type of self-analysis shouldn’t be jumped into and as much as I’m a believer in the truth it will unveil, it’s necessary to be properly prepared. I was beset by so many inexplicable dramas and it was such a shock to see how I was actually causing them! The peace within is more than worth the work of doing the steps. If I didn’t show how sick I was by giving a concrete example, then I would be less than honest.
Susie– I am so thankful for the Steps and for the increased awareness of my natural weaknesses. I have not arrived and I still find myself struggling with control, but it is easier now that I don’t have to defend myself. I can ask forgiveness and let God remove those defects in His timing. So much less drama! Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment, Susie.
Caddo– Again, your wonderful comment is not relegated to Spam. You can now relax about commenting here, I hope. I love the phrase you employ “healthy boundaries” and maybe some day I’ll have that conquered. I think folks who grew up when we did were often labeled ‘rebellious’ if we acquired some independence. I hear that a lot. Having to account for your whereabouts is also a big issue with improper boundaries. Good examples, Caddo. Thank you for stopping by.
Good Morning
Heart-renching
but another example by letting go and forgiving our self and others
we are the ones who receive the gift of peace
Not just once but letting go again and again
God Bless your journey, Heidi
susie
“Treating all my family and friends as if they’re accountable to me”–I’m pretty sure this was a family edict I grew up with. It was considered “rebellion” to not account for your whereabouts, not answer your phone. There were no healthy boundaries, nor were we acknowledged as individual persons–just pieces of the group. Sick pieces of a sick group.