Step 4: Column 4 Tattletale
A tendency to be prickly, like me.
Resuming our Step 4 Inventory (see sidebar for Not So Scary Inventory Worksheet of Step 4) , we are ready for column 4: What Did I Do?
My brother, Randy, who had stopped speaking to me during our adult years, was just 2 years younger than I. For quite a while and couldn’t think of how I contributed to the problem.
What did I do? I tried to remember our early school years. One of his many nicknames for me was Tattletale. True. I wrote that down. Mom liked to have me tag along with him because I would tell her in detail everything that happened, never omitting to tell when he scooted his hairy toe over the line. I’ve mentioned earlier that I competed with his friends… so that also made me really popular with him. Wrote that down. But that was nothing compared to what I remembered next.
Besides having to take me along when he went hunting, fishing and clowning around with his friends; he had another legitimate gripe. My boyfriend had a sister that dated Randy for a while and we would double date in their family station wagon. In fact, often we would have both of our younger brothers and their dates in tow. That was a challenge. Being my normally controlling self, when we went ‘parking’ I levied hand checks every few minutes! I would turn on the inside dome light and yell “hand check” and everyone had to put their hands in the air. It was a big pain to everyone, but hey… the station wagon crew was my responsibility, or so I felt. I honestly don’t know how any of them put up with me! I did contribute to how little he wanted to talk to me.
Now for the next row: Mom. My mom who had a strong focus on all things male, found Randy infinitely more intriguing than me. I have to agree. He’s probably the funniest off-the-cuff quipper I’ve ever heard and a genius to boot. His epic humorous stories should be published. (But analyzing isn’t part of Step 4.)
What did I do? I froze her out.
When I wasn’t doing that I was mouthy, sassy, lippy… disrespectful to her. She loved to teach crafts, cooking, sewing and art. All my friends found her to be delightful but I rejected everything she knew. Resenting anything that she valued, I waited until the last semester to take home-ec which was required for all girls. Specifically, when she tried to help me cook, I’d explode. I remember once I yelled, “I can read, can’t I? I can read the recipe on the box, read a cookbook and look it up when I’m ready. I’ll figure it out when I leave home, if I live that long.” Such a joy to live with.
~ By the time I went down the rows and filled in the 4th column, I had a fairly accurate picture of my reactive behavior. Not a pretty picture. No wonder I’d been having so many relationship issues. If there’s one thing that I had going for me, it was consistency. Have you found yourself to be consistent?
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It sure is!
Judi– It makes me smile to hear of the results of your program work! When we’re so wounded and clueless, we are very defensive. No wonder. Getting all the stuff out on paper gave me a chance to face reality and choose to change. Obviously you did that, too. Thanks for your support here, Judi.
Sherrie– I find this so encouraging. I’m glad to hear of your experiences. The healing of our psyche and our souls is just amazing, isn’t it?
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I was a fast talking bossy know it all, it was ugly, I felt ugly, my behavior and thinking was ugly. I was so relieved when people in recovery told me I never had to feel that way again!!!! I don’t feel ugly today, today I feel like marbled wry……..lol
I’ve had conversations with mom to explain how things felt/feel to me even though I know its now how she’s saying it. It helped our new conversations and made most of our defensiveness go away. We both were just too on edge to be real. You ROCK girlfriend!!! Thanks.
Yup! I felt so much better when I could admit to the Big 4:Selfish, Dishonest, Self-seeking and Frightened. Rip out those roots. I, too was conceited. You’re so right. It was insane and I’m so happy to sell the 4th Step to people because it gave me the beginnings of a sane life and the possibility of looking myself in the mirror without self-hatred. Thank you for sharing this. Perhaps we’ll encourage someone to take a look at doing the Steps for themselves.
Searching my soul for all the defects i used to drink to drown was quite an exercise. Forcing myself to dig deep and find the defaults hiding in the nooks and crannies was very cleansing, as i had to rip out every one of them by the root, and it was also humbling because i was forced to confront many of the things i’d been hiding from.
As an aside, one of the greatest ironies of my Step 4 was writing about how conceited i was! Talk about alcoholic insanity…lol!
Al– Thank you so much for commenting on the mechanics of my posts. I’m trying to make the Steps very accessible..very possible for those who want to heal. An honest 4th Step really gifts us with humility as a benefit from being truthful about our lives and our selves. It’s a marvelous exchange. We dump all the crap and walk out freer and more realistic about our selves than before. It was a huge relief to me not to have to act like I had it ‘together’ anymore. Perhaps if you see this, you could describe what you feel about the humility factor.
Lulu– Sounds like you’ve found forgiveness and peace by doing the 4th. I’m so grateful for the 12 Step program.
Thank you for sharing your experience with us. The majority of people here at GoodLife are support people or family of addicts. The happy truth is that the program works for all of us, no matter what our stripe!
Caddo— By golly that’s pretty descriptive. The damage caused by throwing my noxious vat of sludge in people’s faces is a matter of forgiveness. Forgiveness has been possible and for that I’m thankful. Usually it’s much harder to forgive ourselves than for others to forgive us, but not always. I’m so sorry for the damage caused to you by holding it in. So sorry.
Debbie– By ‘your help’ you could also mean that I made not having conflict a virtual impossibility! In the past to be around me meant to be in or near to conflict most of the time. I’m not a stuffer and I was so difficult to work with. I don’t know how you survived, given your personality. You’ve taught me so much and I’m grateful that you didn’t give up on my changing.
About the dating… you would have died of mortification. No doubt.
Judi– I tried to choose items for examples that were not only common issues for women, but would also allow a little humor, if I’m willing to admit how ridiculous my behavior really was! Your pinpointing of ‘not how they meant it, just how I took it’ is so true for most of us. It’s in the taking of it, twisting it, reading motives of others, etc that most of the damage happens unless you have psychopathic characters that you’re dealing with. That’s different. I was only dealing with pretty common family issues, but I took it in and over-reacted. I struggled with posting these items because I want to show my part of the issue and not place blame. No one else is to blame for my extremism. That’s why I posted the 4th column info so quickly after the previous one. Thank you for the affirmation.
Yup – I was as consistent as you – especially with mom. Friends loved her and I wanted a mom less involved. I found much of my negative reaction was because my family is very much into advising best ways which most of the time made me feel inadequate. Not what they mean, just how I took it. Thank you for putting such great examples with the steps Heidi.
I love your candor, Heidi!
I will say I’m glad I never double-dated with you and your boy-friend!
I’m even happier to be your friend instead of your mother!
Like Caddo, I’m more of the stuff it until you implode type.
I was consistent all right – consistent in going to every possible length to avoid conflicts and remain pleasing.
I THOUGHT I was being nice and doing what was “right”.
It took me forever (with your help) to see that I was making choices all along.
That certainly was the 1st step to the 4th step!
Thank you.
Oh, bless your heart, Heidi–I can’t help but say, “at least you got it out”; I just held it all in until it was a noxious stagnant vat of sludge. That’s the best I can do for descriptives…
This struck a nerve. I was just awful to my mother in my youth. A real smart ass, I know I hurt her with my freely given opinions. One occasion I really remember– my father was extremely controlling, and a military career officer who ran his home like a boot camp. My mother had to account for every penny she spent, she was never “allowed” out with friends, etc. One time I was mad at my mother, and I yelled at her that she had no spine or she would have left my father. My soft spoken, always acquiescing mother spun around and said “my marriage is none of your business.” Now THAT shut me up!
I have done an Alanon 4th step (twice). Different than an alcoholic one, but a learning and growing experience.I’m glad I completed. And I have changed my ways, and show my mother the respect she deserves.
What an honest post! My fourth step was harrowing for me and contributed greatly to the sense of humility i carry with me now wherever i go. i like how structured your approach is. The structured aspect of it makes a lot of sense and is very useful. Thanks for sharing!