Step 4: Column 4 Ya But…
Let’s talk about the inventory’s 4th Column: What Did I Do? The key being, it’s my inventory, not theirs. Yet for years I focused on what they did, not what I did. In the 4th column this little creature on my shoulder begins to whisper.
Ya but… (wheeze) the other guy is the problem! You’re just the victim, here.
Sadly, I’ve believed this creature far too often. If you look at Column 2, you remember I was overly competitive, compensating for being told that I should have been a boy. Until I wrote out the 4th Step, I carried this emotional baggage like a hard-earned prize.
Ya but…they did this to you (slurp).
If you remember the initial example, you’re smiling by now, thinking of the duck on wheels. The yellow pull-toy has rotted into the earth, but I was carrying the residual load of garbage from the incident for 50 years. Was this about the duck? No. I felt amply justified in being competitive with every boy in the neighborhood. I set out to prove something. I was going to prove I was better than anyone else. It doesn’t take a psych major to see that I had self-esteem issues.
Ya but…you were only 4 (gasp) and he got your duck, remember?
Was that Mom’s fault? Was that my brother’s fault? Were they really victimizing me or was I? At some point I had unwittingly become a volunteer to my own entrapment of wrong thinking. Until I wrote it out, I never realized how much the issue fell squarely on my shoulders. I was still believing a falsehood. I do not have to compete for value… for self-worth. I have intrinsic value by virtue of being a creation of God. It was time to grow up and believe it. Certainly it was time to stop blaming anyone else for my low self-esteem.
Usually I can look at the Causes in Column 2 and see that:
- I came to a false conclusion about my self-worth or
- I chose to stay in abusive/damaging/unhealthy situations because I was determined to make it ‘work’ or
- I was in some way refusing to look at reality or
- I resisted making a better choice for a healthier life
I was never bound and gagged. I had chosen badly and had come to a lot of wrong conclusions because I didn’t ask for help.
Ya but they…
I don’t hear anything, do you?
~
PS: In my traumatic experiences, those that formed life-long lessons and remain tender to the touch, I always responded with anger because I’m 100% a Fighter. (Later, I might realize I actually felt hurt, but not until much later.) I talk a lot about anger because this is my experience. But you might fall on the other end of the spectrum or somewhere in between. Flighters will respond to life changing events by feeling hurt. Much later they might realize they were angry as well. Be on the lookout for emotions that include guilt, jealousy, despair and self-loathing. All of these might be part of the process of dealing with a traumatic event.
The 1– Thank you very much.
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He knows us better than we know ourselves. For me right now…that’s a good place. I look forward to what next you share!
Judi– I still need help ‘understanding’ myself. I have the huge advantage of living with a psych major who knows my past. I cannot escape into self-deceit as easily as I used to. I have no desire to do that anymore, either. Once I experienced the peace of self-honesty, I would never want to go back to the self-loathing that resulted from denial of reality.
I’m glad you like the series on the 4th Step. I find that people who have done it are the biggest fans of it. That says a lot! Thanks for your support. One more column to go. It can be hard. I’ll be interested to hear your comments.
Al– Great! I’d love to see what you’d say. Please!
“Fighting is a two-person job” I so agree. I love that we can pass along the things we’ve learned to our kids. It is impossible for only one person to argue.
The “negative energy rush” and drama connected is so devastating to quality relationships. I had no idea how much of it I was perpetuating. You remind me of p 66, where Bill says, “But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal.” Thank you for saying so.
i’ve toyed with a post on this exact same subject!
One of the things my sponsor always tells me about spats is to seek out my role in it. It’s true that i am not completely insane and that when i’m angry it’s because someone or something has given me cause. It’s also true, as i always tell my kids, that it is impossible for only one person to argue. Fighting is a two-person job.
When i’m upset with someone else, i have to develop a reflex to seek out my own role in the dispute so i can back away and diffuse the anger, as well as the accompanying negative energy rush that can be fatal to an alcoholic.
I do miss your like button! Understand ourselves can be hard but it sure has helped me understand others too AND give more grace. Less to really fight about or be angry about. Love what you’re sharing Heidi – thank you!
Lulu– Thank you for telling us that the inventory has helped you soften. It has me, too. I’m very happy to have fewer defensive moves and a lot more peace in my life. Being conscious is what it’s all about. Thanks for the bit of your story. I appreciate hearing your hope.
I’m a fighter. Before alanon, before self inventory, before faith, I was always on the offensive. Beat them to the punch. Show ‘em I was not to be messed with.
My “protection” was alienating others. I felt kindness and compassion, but never gave anyone the chance to see it. I wondered why people never confided in me, or why they never asked me for help.
My husband tells me I have “softened” (he would know as he often took the brunt of my argumentative side). The day he told me that, I realized I was starting to internalize my 12 step work, and walk the talk.
It’s easy to fall back into old defenses, but I’m much more conscious these days.
Louise– Have a great 4th and thanks for saying my reactions are ‘normal’, at least for me, they are! Have a really great time during your vacation from blogging and best wishes for your editing of those books! Thanks for being here to add your wisdom. Enjoy the vaca!
Lori– What a great story to share here! Thank you so much for telling the GoodLIfe Group about your experiences. I’m glad the Ya But didn’t have his way with you, either. Miracles abound from the Step work. Truly. Thank you for sharing!
Sherrie– High compliments. I’ll be soaring all day. Thanks for being here so consistently.
Chris– I am going to give more focus to others who aren’t just like me in their temperament. You helped me a lot by sharing your 4th step work with me. Thank you.
Caddo– Me, too. Thank you for taking a seat here and adding your comments. Good to see you.
Yep, I’ve got the whole cornucopia of emotions–not everyday, mind you–but when something surfaces, it’s usually a bad buffet. Thanks, Heidi. God bless you abundantly–love, sis Caddo
Thanks for the PS addition Heid, it makes sense to us Flighters. I love that picture of you, I just wanted to pick up that little girl and hug her. She’s so cute!
OOOOOOH Yeeeeah!!!!!!!! as Satchmo would say. You hit all the notes, Heidi HO, you have a great instrument and you sure know how to play it. Music to my ears, my friend, music to my ears!
How very interesting. I’m not competitive, but I’m a fighter … good at defense, not so much offense. Heh. Anyway, your story reminded me of something that happened to me, and here I go again, with a long comment …
Back in the day I had a lot of anger toward my dad. Like you blame others, I blamed him for my ails. My dad and I argued all the time. He wasn’t going to get away with the way he treated anyone, not me, not my mom, not my brother. When my own marriage started to have trouble, I sought counseling. In a session I was bitchin’ and complainin’ about my dad and how it was all his fault. I named every grievance I could think off the top of my head.
The counselor validated every grievance for me. She said I was right! Heh, I showed him. Then the counselor asked me a question … “So, what are you going to do about it?”
Well, that question gnawed at my very gut for months. What was I going to do about it? HE was the one who was the jerk, not me. That’s when I joined al-anon, and that’s where I found the answer to her question. I could only do something about me, not him.
I wrote my dad a letter apologizing for every angry word I’d ever said to him. I didn’t change a hair on his head, but when I changed me, our relationship healed.
I think yor reactions are totally normal. Most of us are addicted to something or someone, so that makes us normal, right? I react with fight. I’ve also realized that I put lots of my thoughts and reasons into monetary factors (it’s wasteful, expensive, or worth nothing) it’s about saving my emotions and using words I feel matter. Because I came from extreme poverty money was an easy excuse for everything that we couldn’t afford.
Debby– Yes, it’s me. I was and am obsessed with chickens.
The PS started out as the reason I wrote the post, but it morphed into this. I decided to leave it. At some point I will try to write another post about the more normal reaction to life’s events. I’m so typical for alcoholics in my strong, Fighter personality, but the value of the Steps is also there for all of us. I’ve begun to see how I exclude the thinking of more ‘normal’ people by staying in my own extreme mindset when I write. I don’t want the truth of the Steps to be lost to normies, either. Thank you for encouraging me by making this comment. I’m feeling led to modify my direction quite a bit.
It’s the PS portion I needed on this one. The gold. And that picture of you? is adorable! We could be related, you know