Step 4: Column 5 Character Defects and The Foul Four
Column 5 in the Not So Scary Resentments Worksheet (see sidebar) is labeled: Defects of Character.
Following the Big Book, let’s keep it simple.
Putting out of our minds the wrongs other had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened? ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, 2012, p 67
I call them the Foul Four.
The following is how I separated the definitions of the two that are confusing to me:
- Selfish – grab what makes me happy: greedy, possessive, stingy
- Self-seeking – shrinking world of the mirror, denial of reality, disinterest in relationships, seeking only to further self (often at another’s expense)
If I look at what I did to Randy with the tattling, the competing, the interfering with his dating, I see that those behaviors stem from being self-seeking. I wanted to earn Mom’s approval and make sure she saw that I was the one who could be trusted, not him. So I wrote self-seeking in that column. Not sharing the duck? Selfish.
Beside the issues with Mom, I wrote frightened because I clearly was fearful of rejection. I was also self-seeking, trying to out-do my brother, to look better at his expense. I also wrote dishonest because even though I rebuffed her attention out of spite, I must have really wanted it or I wouldn’t have worked so hard to get it. Looking at Column 5, there is not one thing I did that wasn’t motivated by at least one of the Foul Four.
Most people are so dishonest with themselves that they cannot admit the truth. To have the sense of peace and serenity I desire, I must take responsibility for my behavior. Resentment is a position that justifies a falsehood. It gives excuse to self-deceit. (Ya but...it’s not my fault; it’s theirs) I am like this because they did this to me does not fit the Twelve Step program of forgiveness. We must face life without convenient resentments to hide behind.
For in harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, 2012, p 66
If I maintain I have a justified resentment, the Foul Four block me from the sunlight of the Spirit and I feel separated from God. I don’t experience the grace available from Him. Without forgiveness of ourselves and others, we are dooming ourselves to living without the gifts God wants to place in our hearts when the resentment vanishes. We miss out on great compassion, relationship and faith.
Without the sunlight we live in the dark. It’s our choice. After I took the 4th Step Inventory and honestly faced columns 4 and 5, I started to experience truth and felt the light of His love pour into those dark, hidden places of woundedness that I had been protecting.
~ PS: Often child abuse is difficult to address. As an adult, most people feel justified in hanging onto those resentments because of their innocence at the time. Don’t we owe it to ourselves to examine all resentments? In the case of abuse that takes place before a child is able to defend themselves, at least one of the Foul Four will often cause the victim to hold onto a resentment over the issue. Admitting our desire to punish the offender does not in any way excuse the offense. It just allows us to move forward.
Note: The Not Scary Resentments Worksheet is the result of feedback. It acknowledges not just anger but a wide range of emotional responses to life-changing events. It also has some helpful hints for Column 4 when What Did I Do? is not readily apparent.
Chaz– Delighted to know you are here. Your chair is always saved!
Chaz– I really feel better tor having taken a break. Creativity stirring again. Thanks for stopping by.
Good to see you back Heidi!
Chaz- Thoughtful comment as always and it’s so fun to return to this!
” forgiveness began with foregoing vengeance. It did not mean we could immediately trust, like, or respect the person. It simply meant a surrender of our desire for justice and develop an unwillingness to hold them to account for their actions. It does not mean making ourselve vulnerable for repeated or further harm. But rather, simply moving to neutral. I said to myself, “this I can do”!”
Exactly. We can do this. We must. I love how you put it. Furthermore, your description of the emotional climate is superb! Neutral. That can be our goal. I know that to be Christlike, I need to immediately drop all resentments, no matter what the ledger says about the tallies. I’m not shooting for ‘normal’ either. It doesn’t work. Never did. As you say, we’re exquisitely forgiven and that grace keeps me going!
So happy to find you here. Thank you.
Hi Heidi… been a while hasn’t it. Much comes to mind from reading your post.
So true that we all, for our own sake and the sake of all that is right, take full responsibility for our wrongs in spite of how we were treated or who wronged who first.
One of the strongholds of resentments in my experience is the sense that justice and equalization ought to prevail. And that we are entitled to it. This notion has been supported by literature and entertainment. It has been woven into our culture and thinking. We have created a get-even friendly environment.
Even in the Christian world, we often lose the message of grace. We laugh at our enemies sufferings while our God forgave those who murdered him. Culturally we are missing it. And we alcoholics miss it even bigger much of the time.
Grace is not fair. Grace does not mean equalization. It means unfair eradication of wrongs. It means forgoing vengeance and blame. But how do we come to this when we still feel pain? It is not easy, but in my experience, it can be done.
For me, I have found a place for a person who wronged me significantly. 11 years have passed and he has not made a single hint of acknowledgement, and certainly no hint of remorse or repentance.
My old thinking required at the very least an admission of wrong in order for me to move forward in any kind of forgiveness or easing of resentments.
Then at an unlikely moment from an unlikely source, someone shared that to them, forgiveness began with foregoing vengeance. It did not mean we could immediately trust, like, or respect the person. It simply meant a surrender of our desire for justice and develop an unwillingness to hold them to account for their actions. It does not mean making ourselve vulnerable for repeated or further harm. But rather, simply moving to neutral. I said to myself, “this I can do”!
The pain and emotional charge of this individual and the wrong immediately eased. And it has remained eased for at least 5 years since I first took this to heart.
I am still neutral on this individual and opportunity has not yet presented itself for any kind of formal reconcilliation with him. That I put in God’s hands. The debt is cancelled. In fact, I owe him an apology for things I said to him when he first wronged me. In spite of the fact that every onlooker has said repeatedly that my reactions were “normal” for what he did.
But do we want normal? Does normal help us get and stay sober? Was Jesus praying, “Forgive them father for they know not what they do”, normal? No, it was far above normal, it was exquisite! It was gracious. It changed the world forever.
Resent? Not if I can help it. I have learned to more often lay down my weapons and set aside records or wrongs. I have enough of my own to attend to. And life gets better faster for me and everyone in my life when I focus on making right my wrongs and not everyone else’s.
Ciao.
Chaz
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Caddo– I like your comparison picture! Thank you for showing us how cheap our treasured resentments really are. Fake, too, because we rewrite them until we’re completely innocent and the only wounded party in the incident. Pop beads. Haven’t thought of them in a long time. I didn’t like to wear them as a kid, but I really loved the POP sound. Maybe it’s the same with resentments. I like how it sounds to my ear, but wearing them is trashy for sure! Thank you for taking a seat with us, Caddo!
“Justified resentment”–oh boy! Heidi, you’d have thought that was my real true genuine treasure box full of gold bullion and gems like the Hope diamond. Goll-eee. I can laugh now, knowing it was about as valuable and worthwhile as a cigar box full of pop-it beads and colored plastic “gems” glued onto cheapy plastic “gold & silver” bands. Wow. I guess that was all I had to hang onto back then–if I let go of what seemed “justified”, not only would my treasure box be gone, but I likely thought I’d disappear too. God bless you Big–love, Caddo
Debby–What a wonderful thing for you to say. I’m glad you find Him speaking through GoodLife and the comments. Me, too. Compassion for ourselves and others does follow on the heels of forgiveness. I always liked Clairmont’s phrase, cracked pots. That’s me!
Louise– I think that might be fairly common (not remembering the really traumatic events) when we go through our 4th Steps. I’m agreeing with you that feeling which do not go away–the big, very negative feelings, should be examined. I think it’s best to have a qualified guide to do that. Some things are just too damaging to be examined alone. Doing whatever work is necessary so we can forgive is the point. We must do it in order to move on and find peace with ourselves. Thank you for addressing this. I really appreciate your comment. Keep on editing. Enjoy your vaca.
That other Debb(ie) is beating me to it these days
She chose the exact part that spoke out to me as I read another good breakdown of step 4. I often get much out of the comments as I did today. This is just a wonderful place to still myself and let God speak through your writing. Thank you for being a vessel Heidi.
child abuse is such an interesting thing in our 4th step. first of all, I didn’t remember the abuse while doing my 4th steps (all 3 of them). but still it poisoned so much of my being. I had all these feelings that wouldn’t seem to go away until I had remembered and worked thru my abuse. BUT i had to do the work so I could get to forgiving my abuser – which was necessary for me to live a life of freedom
we are such complicated beings, aren’t we?
Erik– Yes. Some of us are much more given to self-loathing than others. Bill talks about this in the 12×12 on Step 4.
I’m so enthused that you find the inventory useful and plan to use it! I love to design worksheets and like you, I’m always writing something! Thank you for the encouraging comment.
The worksheet is awesome. I plan to use it for my second (more fearless and searching) 4th step. Thanks also for your insight on the difference between selfish and self seeking. Dealing with self-loathing is going to be the most difficult part. Seems easier to forgive others than myself.
Debbie– I had a lot of input from readers and I appreciate the help you’ve given me on it, too. The emotional work is hard, but the format doesn’t have to be!
“Without forgiveness of ourselves and others, we are dooming ourselves to living without the gifts God wants to place in our hearts when the resentment vanishes. We miss out on great compassion, relationship and faith.”
Oh so very true, Heidi!
Thank you for expanding the worksheet to envelope feelings like hurt and guilt and self-loathing. My greatest struggle has always been in forgiving myself and you are so right, when I don’t, when I wallow in guilt or self-loathing, I’m oblivious to His grace.
Thank you for doing the work to make our work easier.
Debbie