Step11: Where Are You From?
Got that question this morning before the sun came up. Several times a day I hear this question. Sometimes people want to know where I’m from as a conversation starter and this leads to a feeling of connection. Sometimes not. It’s obvious I didn’t grow up in southern Texas.
You guessed it. I’m a Yankee White Girl.
No use trying to hide it. I’ll never be from the South and, more pertinently, I’ll never belong here.
Possibly behind the presenting question is the thought: You’re not one of us, are you? I’m not sure why we react to ‘foreigners’ this way, but it’s human nature to try to align the ‘us’ from the ‘them’. We separate out the locals from the others like sorting through the box of puzzle pieces for the border.
Sometimes the question, where are you from? is an observation that stands between us, surrounded by a thicker silence. That’s when I answer, I know (smile)… I’m terminally a Yankee. It cuts the thickness a little, like sugar in strong tea. Sweet tea is the main drink down here, a fact that I wouldn’t know if I weren’t so focused on the local culture. And it’s not just my being a Northerner in the South. I never felt that I belonged. Actually, that’s a familiar feeling for most of us, isn’t it?
It’s a feeling of being separate from others, not at peace, uncomfortable in our own skin… you know. It’s what led me to numbing, obsessive behaviors. I’m an alcoholic, so I chose to drink in order to feel OK. Trying to capture that initial ‘ahhhh’ feeling from my early drinking days kept me going for ‘just one more’ until I reached oblivion. I only wanted to feel good, to feel at peace with myself and connected somehow.
Others, who are not so addictive by nature, choose to obsess over relationships, or work, or appearances. They keep striving to become better at what they do, improve their status, perfect their homes and family, improve the perception that others have of them–go for the win. Perhaps they find that approval and success work like my numbing elixir.
For me, the 12 Steps as a way of life, remind me to drop the expectation of arriving, or reaching perfection or gaining acceptance in this life. Being OK with who I am is changing into a new ideal. I expect to be flawed, to be a struggler–but that’s alright. I am in the process of becoming His and growing into the unique Heidi that He created. I believe that Step 11 will continue to give me a sense of belonging and the confidence that I am just where I should be– in His will.
Step 11: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him, praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out. ~Alcoholics Anonymous, 2012, p 59
Increasingly, I’m at peace with myself and sense that I belong, no matter where I travel. I’m not going to ‘fit in’. I never have. I’m no longer trying to. But I know where I am. I am in AA. I am in God’s hands and I am contented to seek His will daily. That assures me I can feel OK. Everyday.
Perhaps one of the greatest rewards of meditation and prayer is the sense of belonging that comes to us. ~ Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, 2012, p 105
`
PS: Maybe the more pertinent question is not Where are you from? but Where are you? I wonder what you’re thinking about this…
You are wonderfully made Heidi! In Michigan the big thing seems to be having a life that pleases everyone and doesn’t ruffle too many feathers. I tried it for awhile….led me to similar things as you. Being who He made us to be is definitely part of the FREEDOM! Bless you!
Cydi– Likewise. I kind of thought you were giving up your chair in the circle. So glad to see you here! Guess it was just me who was gone too much!
Missed you Heidi Great message!!
Sherrie– I looked forward to returning to the community of bloggers that I hold dear. It was a restorative break and I’m delighted to be back here. It felt so good to come home to the RV and to the job and to the place of my desert years! I am not able to describe the joy in feeling the grace of God in having a good life with no alcohol. I virtually on a floating bar for 14 days and barely aware of the bottles! He is amazing. The inside passage of Alaska is beautiful and the NW never fails to heal me a bit! I needed the mist of the ocean and the green of the pine needles and moss under my feet for a bit. Some day we hope to retire on the beach in Southern Oregon, but for now we’re delighted to be back with our crew, boondocking in the fields of Southern Texas.
Ah, what a sign of relief to know where you are…….you’re BACK!!! So good to have you back! What a great post, a home run on your post of the season, I’m not surprised, but I am delighted as always by your great insight.
I am from New Jersey, I railed against this fact for years. People forever saying to me…..you don’t sound like you’re from Jersey….or where’s your accent??? But now I’ve embraced my Jersey girl-ness. I am from Princeton, not Hoboken, so I sound like the dictionary, not the subway. Today I live in a part of New Jersey where there are more cows than people and yes folks this is why we are called the Garden State. I fit here, I have changed so that I can accept that and now I love where I live and all it has to offer. When I travel there are so many differences and still there is such sameness. We have so much more in common than we imagine…..I’m learning to embrace that as well.
Welcome home my friend, you’ve been missed!
Jill– You are positively a joy to have as a friend! Have you always been so supportive? Thank you for saying such kind things. I’m also very happy to be getting to know you. I would love to know more of your story. Have you ever thought of blogging???
It makes me smile to ponder what you asked. Do we know where we’re from? hmmm.
Debbie– Ha. We’ll never sound like a Texan, for sure. Once in a while I throw in a y’all just to be congenial, but I don’t fool anyone. I’m becoming more aware of the tone in the question ‘where are you from’ than I’ve ever been before. It hit me so much on the first day of the job after being on the cruise. I heard the same question for two weeks while surrounded by tourists from all over the world, but when I got back here it didn’t even sound like the same question. That’s what prompted the post. I’m not sure it is always the same question… thus the complications of communicating. I could think on this all day and never get a definitive answer, but the comments here have made me happy. Thank you for contributing to them!
I only suggest we ask ‘Where am I?’ because it’s what I’m doing mentally for now. I want to stay in the moment. More posts coming on that topic, I’m sure.
Caddo–I have many friends and readers, too, that are Al-Anon types. They let me know about their obsessions and I can see so many of the same struggles as we addicts suffer. I think there are more commonalities than differences, really. The important fact is that the Steps are equally instructive and fully as healing for either group. I’m making a conscious effort to add examples for both sides as I write now. I’m tickled that you mentioned it. Thank you so much.
You alluded to deleting… yes. We need to keep our accounts current and healthy don’t we? I cannot afford resentments nor be on the receiving end of too much criticism. I sense we share that experience from the past. My poor head has never made any headway with a brick wall. I turn and go down another path in this maze of relationships that springs up in blogging. I can’t afford any more banging against them.
From one Yankee to another– Have a really great day! Enjoy a breeze or tow for me!
Debby–Thank you for noticing. I’ve a lot of work to do yet with getting it more user friendly. I think something is working better as I’m getting more Google traffic since reworking it. No idea why.
Email me when you get the chance. Meantime, I’m going to be reading your blog today. I’m so happy to be back and be blogging again. It was a very good vacation and I missed the contact with GL and all my friends.
Jim–Big smiles! I’m so happy to hear from you. Your brother must be interesting. Guess it runs in the family, huh? I miss your friendly face and the meetings upstairs in the corner room of the club at dawn. I’ll never forget those. You were instrumental in keeping me encouraged and I thank you so much for starting that meeting.
I’m not sure how I can find out the ‘proper’ Texan response to the question. There probably is one. Texas has their own take on everything, for sure. Thank you so much for commenting. I’m only a little intimidated…:)
Lori–Thanks for telling a little of your story. I call this time my desert years. If only I could have the wisdom of the desert mothers and fathers that came before me. I do not aim to return to the North but to the West coast, where my heart first found serenity. I’m learning so many lessons while isolated from the beauty of the ocean and the temperate rain forest. Our recent vacation refreshed me and I’m also waiting for the day when the timing is right to move on. Meantime, I’m content enough here and I can enjoy the silence of the dry winds. It’s certainly easy to contemplate!
Sometimes I think none of us know where we are from. I do know I am so happy that God placed you in Texas so our paths would cross. You belong anywhere you choose to be and you are much loved.
I love your question – Where are you? That’s the one I need to keep asking myself!
When people ask me where I’m from, I always stumble around trying to answer, wondering if they mean, where was I born? where did I live last? where did I live before that? or just why don’t I talk like a Texan?
Obsessing over relationships–I never thought of that as an addictive behavior before, but I sure see it now that you’ve mentioned it. That was me, and I guess I’m still in recovery–frankly, the blog makes relationships easier (both to work at and keep–and to delete, I’m not proud to confess). God bless you Heidi–wonderful to have y’all back (even though my blood is southern, I was raised in the north; and my relatives, southern–still insist on calling me a Yankee; but I gave up frettin’ about it, thank you Lord.) love, sis Caddo
Nice update of your page. It’s SO good to have you back. I connect to that feeling of belonging quite strongly and have fallen into the obsessing category of appearance, relationships, work, home….Yes, Heidi, you and your insights and thoughtful writing were missed. btw, good stuff happening with our guys!
I remember the first time someone asked me that. It can be disconcerting. I did enjoy your thoughts on it, but wonder what is the “proper” Texan response to that question. It was my brother who asked me and he knows where I from….I think it means “how are you?”
Heidi, I can relate. I’m a Midwestener forever and always, and it never really felt quite like home since I moved to Florida. However, I don’t regret the move. This is where I found al-anon and where my work in progress began. I hope to move from here some day when the time is right, but I know a Greater Force led me here. Good to read your blog again.