Anxiety: Part 1 Pull on the Nail
One of the best things that I’ve learned in the program is how to deal with things that bother me. I was born in the early 50s. One parent made all the decisions and the other believed it was best to ‘go with the flow’ but lived in a constant state of anxiety. My solution to this was easy. I believed that any decision is better than no decision and I was definitely going to be the one deciding. Not being on speaking terms with humility, I also thought I could figure out anything: if I applied enough brain power to a problem, I could come up with a solution–and I did. Bad one after bad one….
I no longer live that way. Because of the 12 Steps I’ve found a way to open myself to serenity instead of trapping myself in the closed space of worry and preoccupation. There are 6 points to this process. The objective is to find out what my options are. This liberates me from the preoccupation that entraps me so I can return to feeling happy, joyous and free. The first half of the process is just the beginning.
PULLING ON THE NAIL
I do believe that God’s will is what I should desire. While I used to think that action was king, I don’t believe that anymore. I think nothing matters as much as seeking His will before I even think of acting.
1. Write out the preoccupying thought. This amounts to giving the issue a space of its own on paper and is nearly magical in its effect. I don’t know why. Try it and see if getting it out of your head doesn’t feel better even if you don’t do a thing about it beyond writing it down. Our gray matter doesn’t need to be filled with those dirt devils that bounce around and create chaos.
2. List what I can control in this situation. What I can control is my attitude, the number of commitments I take, the amount of sharing I do, how much I worry, whether I seek help… Of course, also within my control is how much information I gather before deciding how to proceed. Brainstorming for ourselves (on paper again) helps clarify what the options might be. List even the preposterous thoughts. Sometimes that helps clear the way for clearer perspectives. I also research the problem at this point. Google something, call someone, and dig into my resources.
3. List that which is out of my control. I remind myself that people (all people) are out of my control. Just writing down the names can help. Outcomes from any action that I take are also out of my control. I can act, but I can’t expect anything much: expectations bring bigger problems. To expect is to ask for disappointment. The results of any forthcoming decisions are also out of my control. Success or failure are not in our control, of course.
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PS: Can you find something that weighs on your mind? Let’s see how many in the circle of GoodLife will play along. (specific issue doesn’t have to be shared, of course) I’m looking forward to hearing from you! Part 2 will be posted when I get 2 or more people to say they’ll try it.
Anita– I’m glad you shared your story here. This is a supportive circle. Most of the people here are not addicts but all here have their own struggles and in that we share. Goodlife is a site where people can read about recovery and addiction and life’s trials. We don’t give advice to specific situations as we don’t know all of yours and what works for us may not work for you; but I will pray for you as I’m sure others will, too. Seeking the solutions from your God is the answer and it sounds like you have started by trying to forgive. I hope you are able to connect with a community of Al-Anon or Nar-Anon. They truly have wisdom to share with you and they, too, can share their experience, strength and hope that has come from working on their own issues. Since you have 4 weeks, perhaps you could seek a connection where you are. It’s not necessary to know anyone. All are welcome.
I speak from being an alcoholic when I say, there’s not much you can ever do to ‘help’. The people who helped me were all in the program of AA. We don’t take well to advice from outsiders, let alone our mothers! Aside from offering to take her to a meeting, if she has no transportation, or praying for her, there is little you can ever do for an addict. They must do it on their own or it doesn’t ‘stick’. Willingness is one of the basics and you cannot make her become willing. Other ‘help’ is enabling her to continue to deny reality. The support you offer by growing in your own life is the kind you can learn in a recovery program for loved ones of addicts. This may sound harsh if it’s the first time you’ve faced it, but you are not the solution to your daughter’s problems. You are, however, responsible to become the solution to your own so that you can be whole and well and grounded for those grandkids.
Please remember I’m praying for you. Also the suggestions I make come from me, not from the program of AA. If you don’t find it helpful, please blame me, not the program. I don’t speak for AA, I do love it, though and it has saved my life. welcome to Goodlife!
I am 10 months sober. Found out the other night that CPS took my grandchildren away from my daughter about 5 weeks ago. She is an addict. She has been a major source of rsentment for me since she was 15. I gave it to my God and had been coping pretty well with her lifestyle. She had been clean a while and had the same job a year. Now she is almost homeless,again. She has been fired, again. The children have been taken away for child endangerment. This is a first. I have helped her out so many times over the years and I have been told it has not done her any favors but it isn’t just her it is the children. I cannot seem to separate my daughter whose crap I am sick of from the addictr that needs my understanding and support. I have given it to God. I am 1500 miles from home right now and can’t do anything until I go home in 4 weeks. My dilemma has been put out there. Any and all perspectives are welcome. Thanks, Anita
We need the wisdom and encouragement of each other. I thank you for sharing what you have learned and how it has worked. A great way to help change life for the better for many!
Judi– You’re comment lifted my heart and I thank Him for using this post. Seeking Him is what it’s all about. Thank you so much for sharing this. There’s nothing ‘magic’ or guaranteed in the points of these 2 posts, but I wanted to share the hope I’ve found in using this method to settle myself and find peace. At one time or another I’ve tried all of these but stringing them together really helps me listen to Him.
Yes, sometimes a heart change or a thought process change is the Next Right Thing.
By last line, I think you mean… “That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.” I remember you mentioning that this is especially meaningful to you. Thank you for highlighting it again for us!
Heidi – These are great steps and your points of wait are very valid. It is the peace that you did a step in the process even if you don’t find a step forward with your feet.
As I was praying/processing my anxious topic of finances, I felt an answer that didn’t allow feet to move *What I can do* but was more of a head/heart change of thought which is a different *can do*. It was good! Repeating serenity prayer with the important last sentence is very good!
Later after journaling on your steps I listened to a teaching that was ALL about exactly what I prayed AND what I heard for change of thoughts. God does love to reaffirm and answer when we ask….and listen.
Thank you!!!!!!
Judi–How exciting to have you trying it. I’m so looking forward to feedback. It’s just my way for now, but in a few days I’m sure I’ll be getting suggestions that will help make it better!
Debbie– I am excited to see you participating. With help I’m sure the process can be improved. Just can’t wait to see what you think after doing the second part.
I’m In – already have 2 on paper!
This is great for any part of life. I have a couple topics this approach will help with. Thank you!
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Thanks H! (as they say on CSI Miami
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Chaz–Thank you for sharing this very troubling struggle. I’ll pray for wisdom for you and your wife as you love your daughter through the academic years. I can hear the fear for her. I’m sure others will pray as well.
Thank you for giving this method a try. I’m hoping to get feedback so that I can widen the process to include other people’s tips.
Lori– Thank you for sharing the God box metaphor with us. I’m glad you find these ideas interesting. The Serenity prayer is featured in the next post, which won’t surprise you a bit. Thanks for joining us.
Cathy– Thank you for joining in! I’ll post part 2 as soon as Debbie proof-reads it. This went a little quicker than I’d dared hope for! Have a good day, dear friend.
Debby– Thanks so much for being the first to jump in! Seeking help from friends is always part of any solution for me, too. I’ve prayed for your November presentation. There’s a lot of time between then and now. I hope you find the peace you need.
Sure…. here’s mine….My wife and I are increasingly worried about our daughter (my step daughter). She is a brilliant and talented early teen who has changed dramatically in the past year. She is in her element socially and is finding success academically. Then at home, she is unbearable. Quite a princess and attempts to control the household with her outbursts. Emotional terrorism. There is so much good and wonderful in her, but we are beginning to be concerned that we will lose the control we once had and that she will make some bad decisions.
I will also try the other steps of your process privately.
I remember when I first joined al-anon, my mentor there told me to write out the problem and put it into God’s box. I did it, and it helped. The other two steps are wonderful ideas to help give more support to the serenity prayer. Thanks, Heidi.
Working on it right now !!! Ha. There’s two.
Next please…………….
This is great Heidi.
You know I’ll always play along and you also know much of the time too much is weighing on my mind. We have a presentation to make the middle of Nov. that is important to me we are honest in that presentation in a way that will be accepted, knowing we have different priorities than what may be expected. And, yes, I do a lot of talking this out with trusted friends. They are helpful to me keeping a better perspective and hopefully, it becoming less about me and all about His direction for me/us.