Step 4: Part 8 Talkin’ Trash and Sex
I grew up in the 50s–a time when sex education had not yet been invented. Being human, we make mistakes and as the decades pass, I don’t see that talking a lot about sex has helped matters much. There is disagreement from all sides on this topic.
One school would allow man no flavor for his fare and the other would have us all on a straight pepper diet. We want to stay out of this controversy. We do not want to be the arbiter of anyone’s sex conduct. We all have sex problems. We’d hardly be human if we didn’t. What can we do about them?… We got this all down on paper and looked at it. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, 2012, p 69
It seems clear that we need to take a good look at our sexual conduct of the past as a part of our Step 4 housecleaning. Negative talk cycles through the mind over this topic. Put an end to this trash talk by doing something about it. There’s nothing to fear. This is very straight-forward and it’s probably the easiest inventory to remember! Start with the Not So Scary Sex Worksheet in the sidebar.
Who Did I Hurt? (names of the sexual partners that we’ve hurt in any way and also the names of other people who got injured from our actions)
- Were there other people in my family or theirs that were hurt emotionally?
- Who suffered as a result of my actions? (spouses, children, parents, friends of the sexual partner?) We list them.
What Did I Do To Hurt Them? (intentionally or unintentionally)
- When I had sex with this partner, did I hurt them physically or insist on it without consideration of my partner’s wishes?
- Did I use sex (or refuse sex) as a bartering tool; as punishment or manipulation; or to get even with someone else?
- Did I have sex to meet my self-esteem needs and make myself feel better, seem more popular?
- Did I trade sex for the convenience of having my physical or financial needs met or to fulfill companionship needs?
What Feelings Did I Help Create in Others? (Jealousy, Suspicion , Fear, Shame, Bitterness..etc.)
- What feelings did other people have as the direct result of my misconduct?
- What might my partner or my family or my friends have felt when they realized that I was not behaving responsibly in the sexual arena? What kind of suffering did I cause?
Don’t give up. The mind will seek escape or denial– just trash talk! We fill in what our heart tells us to. While we’re at it, we probably realize that there are things we’ve done in this arena that we never want to repeat. Now is a good time to think about what kind of person we want to be in the future, as far as sex is concerned.
Identify Simple Character Defects: Selfish, Dishonest, Self-seeking and Fearful. These 4 are at the core of all character defects. If you would like a more comprehensive list, you can Google it. We alcoholics tend to over-think things so I limit myself to what is in the text.
We need eliminate the negative self talk (trash talk) from our past and absorb some of the sunlight of the Spirit so that we have the power necessary to change our lives from here forward.
We just need to be willing to do the work… set aside the fear and stop procrastinating. How can we put it off? What could be more important to ourselves, our sanity and our loved ones? Stop the internal trash talk. Write it down. Get it out.
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I’m like you in rereading…helps to see how far we’ve come! Bless you for all you share to help others Heidi.
Judi– Me too, writing things out helps give negative thoughts a space of their own instead of keeping them chained on the treadmill of my thoughts, dragging me along and dragging me down. I always encourage people to use whatever works for them. I’ve known quite a few people that ‘burn’ their obsessive thoughts or their resentments.
(side note: I don’t advocate burning the whole Step 4, and I know that wasn’t what you were alluding to, because it is a good place to go to for the later work of Step 9 and also, I find re-reading mine gives me more reality as time goes by. I can more clearly identify my part in things I tried to pin on others and felt justified in my resenting them. My… I was self-deceived much of the time!)
Thank you for adding a couple of choices so we can have a look at what others do that might work. As always, we appreciate your input.
The writing was what really helped me to take those thoughts out of the rerun cycle of my brain. I think someone commented on putting them in a God Box before. A friend of mine would actually write them down and have a bonfire, really saying “They are DONE!”
Great points to emphasize the step order in your comment to Debby.
Cathy– Thank you for commenting on this. “Willingness, honesty and openmindedness in all arenas equals peace and serenity leaving nothing in the closet to rattle.” Very true! It takes a close reading of the text to even realize we’re supposed to do a fear and sex inventory after we finish our resentment one. If I had skipped those, I’d still be rattled!
Thanks for the kind things you say about GoodLife. I’m glad you have a regular seat here!
Heidi,
You are so wise to keep taking it back to the original writing in the Twelve Steps. They truly are written that way for a reason. I had thought that I could slide over a couple of the steps but in pausing and taking the time to go through it correctly. I was amazed how much I needed it. One I’m speaking of is Step 6, ” Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character”. My thinking was “of course I am “. But there was more to being entirely ready. I would have been amiss to slide over this.
Great advice in this blog. You are so non-threatening, have God given wisdom, transparent and real. This topic is too important to not be included. We are sexual beings.
Willingness, honesty and openmindedness in all arenas equals peace and serenity leaving nothing in the closet to rattle.
Thanks.
I agree with you and have always thought it very wise of Bill W to include that caveat. Each situation is unique (or so we all think
but I agree how some “confessions” are totally self-serving. Thanks Heidi. I need answers like that – complete!
Debby–Great questions! Thanks for asking my opinion and of course, I can only share what I’ve learned and what has worked for me.
“We must be willing to make amends where we have done harm, provided that we do not bring about still more harm in so doing.” Alcoholics Anonymous, 2012, p 69. This is found in the How It Works portion of the book and actually is addressing Step 9. The mistake we often make in addressing a wrong, once we see it clearly is to rush out and ‘fix’ it. This rarely works. That’s the wisdom of having the Steps in a logical order. Step 4 is not even half way to Step 9, which makes me smile. I’ve reminded myself and others to take the Steps in order, or else we risk scraping our knees trying to jump up to the top! Timing is very important and we’re not prepared for 9 until we’ve worked 1 through 8. A remarkable transformation occurs along the way and that ups the chances for a good amends to actually happen.
Now for the question “I’m thinking specifically about those who may have had sexual behavior in their past that hasn’t included a future partner. Do you advocate a full disclosure to new partners/spouses, etc. of all past behaviors?” I agree with what Bill wrote. If it will cause someone more harm by ‘coming clean’, then we are not to proceed. There are exceptions, but the general guideline is to avoid causing more harm. I found that principle sufficient for my situations. Another good guideline is if the person is not part of the original problem, don’t create another one by roping them into your solution. The impulse to ‘tell all’ is sometimes very destructive and inexcusably self-serving. I want to be an instrument of healing, not pain. I’ve caused enough pain for one lifetime.
By the way, I like to talk about elephants! Anyone is welcome to email me if they want to ask questions not pertinent for the blog. You may not get answers, but I can share my experience, strength and hope. I will also pray.
The 9th Step specifically tells us that our amends should stop short of saying anything that would harm someone else. That has been broadly interpreted to include a wide circle. For instance we might make an amends by including the fact that there have been sexual indiscretions in our past life but that we are putting all our effort now into intimate love of one person. Our purpose in a loving intimate relationship is monogomous and that it has filled us with the Grace of God to live this way. Under no circumstances do we reveal the names of past lovers, it will only hurt someone and could possibly be inflating our ego. We know our egos need deflating, not inflating..
I am thankful for your courage and conviction to discuss all areas here on Good Life. Recovery (or life in general) is done a disservice when the elephant in the room isn’t acknowledged.
Are you suggesting these only be written or that people should go to these people, when possible, and make an open disclosure?
I’m thinking specifically about those who may have had sexual behavior in their past that hasn’t included a future partner. Do you advocate a full disclosure to new partners/spouses, etc. of all past behaviors? I am very mixed about this and I know I’m not coming from an alcoholic perspective.
Thanks Heidi. I appreciate your insight.