Step 3: In 2 Deep
The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, 2012, p 60
The following questions come from the Step 3 Not So Scary Worksheet:
- What person causes me the most stress no matter what I try?
- What am I afraid will happen if they don’t listen to me?
- What have I done to control this person or situation?
- Is it working?
The amount of stress I was experiencing from trying to control my own life and the lives of those I love, was causing me so much emotional pain and fear that I had to just…stop. I couldn’t keep it up any more. Not only was I miserable, but the people around me were miserable. They started complaining. Eventually, I couldn’t ignore them any longer.
It didn’t happen quickly. It was a process that started with admitting I had a problem: a control problem. And it started at home. I couldn’t even control me. I had to think about what I was thinking, for a change.
I finally admitted that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. Whether I was trying to get my own way with life’s circumstances, or my way by controlling others, it was not working. I could hardly function anymore. I was in too deep.
I was 55 before I started to seriously question my life. Until then, I just tried to seriously control it. I admit control is not a possibility. It’s life, after all. Being me (and not God), I’m not going to be in control anytime soon, either. There’s a set of boot straps on the closet floor that remind me of this.
As a result of pain I’ve accepted the guidance from some Old Timers in Alcoholics Anonymous. Whether an alcoholic or not, it has become evident to me that self-will is a natural, but unproductive, reaction to life. Even ‘normies’ suffer from it. I’ve saved my frayed bootstraps to remind me that no matter how hard I pull on them, I can’t satisfactorily control my own life. That other pile of straps? If we’ve known each other for a while, maybe one of those is yours: evidence that I cannot satisfactorily run your life, either.
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PS: Being a teacher, I love worksheets. Maybe you don’t. Just for fun, I’m breaking down the Step 3 worksheet into a few segments. Want to play along, or are those bootstraps working for ya?
Lori– I still benefit from those questions. Once I’ve thrown the bootstraps onto the floor, I notice I might still be trying to control others, just not so blatantly. When I’m frustrated with someone, I ask myself what I want them to do… ahh… it’s me trying to control them again. Gradually, I’m giving it up and letting God be God. No one is voting for me to take over!
This is wonderful, Heidi. I wish I would’ve had those bullet point questions when I was struggling with my MIL. I kept insisting how controlling she was, and didn’t realize I was trying to control her too! Although, I don’t think I would’ve been ready to hear that, until I was ready.
Caddo– Keep those straps out of anyone’s hands and enjoy living a peaceful, bloggy life. He will show you when and where to trust! You add a lot to Goodlife by being here. Thank you so much for continuing to take your seat and participate in the discussion.
Cathy– It’s refreshing to hear someone from Al-Anon say they liked to control. I don’t know why that’s so hard to admit, but it seems very hard for the ‘helper’ kind of person to think they are controlling, as well as helping. It’s a crazy dance between AA’s and Al-Anon’s. Thanks for standing up to me, on occasion and for encouraging me to be a friend, not just a mentor in our relationship. It’s been a joy to move into healthy friendship.
Cathy– Of course.. they’re in the pile somewhere….
Scott– Congrats on the 8 months! What I like about your comment is that you are focusing on what you can do and learning about yourself. Keep it up! Also I hope you have a trusted friend in the program that you can talk to. I learned so much from the Old Timers and the Steps. I hope you will, too. Thanks for stopping by. Grab a chair. We’re a very supportive group here.
Debbie– I am trying to keep the posts a lot shorter, so didn’t really get into the resolution to it all. First, I had to realize that I had the problem. Solutions, later… thanks for saying that for me. You’re so right.
I just read Debbie’s comment, and was struck by the note about handing ones bootstraps/control over to someone else. YES, I did that A LOT–and then it seems like, to compensate, I’d just run the other way from those persons. I’m still having some difficulty with finding that middle ground, I think–being a recluse, who lives mainly on the blogs, is a pretty simple life actually…
Ps: it’s ok I found a new pair without straps. I can stand up without them now. ;D
Heidi,
In my case I gave away my bootstraps to the those that would take them. And some were very willing to receive them, especially those that like control and have advice. Those were my favorite. Then there were those that took them but had no intentions of working very hard to pull me up.
I stole others and did a great job of pulling them up. I was a pro. As a matter of fact I could anticipate their need for them before they could. Yessiree. Then I would get the boot, wanting me to stop. Oh but little did they know ” I ” knew better.
Then came Alanon, the encourager to take back my bootstraps. I thought that was a bunch if crap. The good ones knew better than I. NEWSFLASH that’s not true.
I and my Higher Power know better. I’m learning fast!!!
So, can I have my bootstraps back please?
thanks, this is great further insight for me. I’m 8 months sober and now that I don’t wallow in guilt,etc the dynamics at home have been changing in rgds to relating with my controlling spouse. Now that I understand where the dynamics of this emotion is coming from I don’t have to fight the constant put-downs, and drink to deal with the resentment, I can roll with the punches a little bit and try to help my spouse feel better.
I’ve read in a psychology book that people with low self esteem, and I would be at the top of that list, have 4 basic personalities, and that most of us would be some mix of these.
1. The Loner – go away
2. Poor-Mes – have sympathy for me and all my weaknesses and problems
3. Borderline – i’ve got to be in control of those losers or they’ll screw up my life
4. Narcissist – don’t dare criticize me
Each of these traits taken to extremes causes us to push people away and isolate ourselves and become bitter and unhappy. I’ve learned to not overload people with my ‘poor me’ tendancies and instead take those issues to my version of a HP, I think talking to HP would help with the others as well?
Heidi, I love your honesty and the way you explain trying to control our life and the lives of others around us. And how that doesn’t work!!! God bless you and your boot straps that you’ve handed over to bigger hands.
Debbie– It was a lot like ‘button, button…who’s got the button’ with your straps! I remember doing a lot of talking about ‘When does Debbie get to say something about her life?’ Once you got nerve enough to speak up, we were all in shock!
Seriously, thank you for the kind things you say about me, but you are your own person and a joy to be around. Who you are is no longer such a surprise and it’s a joy to know the real you.
Louise– It does take 2 to do any couple dance… it only takes one to twist and shout. Thanks for the shout out. I’m happy to hear of your success and surprise at giving up control. There’s a lot of joy to be found in giving people back their bootstraps! I’m just getting started at sorting through the pile. Have you noticed some people don’t want them back at all??
caddo– You’re just on time, for heaven’s sake! Jump in anytime and we’ll walk together along the path to wisdom! Thank you for coming with us.
Maureen– Rock Creek is a thousand miles away and seems like twenty years ago? Do you still have the camper there or have you put it into storage by now? I’m glad that you read this and liked it. Bring your camp chair and pull up to the ring here. Would be glad to have your comments! Share some of that wisdom with our group, OK?
I think I generally only carried one set of bootstraps – which I would often lend out (giving control of my life to others instead of trying to control them).
Since I’m SO much younger than you – I finally began getting glimpses at 50 – thanks to you!
Of course, I was closer to 54 before I really got any of it… slow learner.
Thank you for being a great example and such a patient teacher!
my biggest surprise in the program came when i finally had some success at giving up control of others – primarily my spouse. when our marriage ended, he hooked up with a woman who was more controlling that i’d ever been. that’s when I learned that it takes 2 to tango. I had to deal with my side of the street but he wasn’t an innocent victim either.
This is a great post, Heidi–the image of the bootstraps is pointed and excellent. I hope this doesn’t sound horrible, but when I read that you were 55 before you began this part of your journey, I felt better about myself–I’d been thinking that I must surely be the slowest, oldest person of fair intelligence on the planet to realize that making changes was a life or death proposition for me. “Normies”–now that’s an amusing term, eh? God bless you Big, Sis–love, sis Caddo (feeling “younger and wiser” now that I’m on a better path)
Good one Heidi! It is a nice fall day at Rock Creek. Blessings to you and Debbie both on this fine Saturday