Step 2: Digging From the Quarry of the Past
Step 2: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, 2012, p 59
I’ve been noticing the difference between those who work the Steps and those who just hang around at the bottom and send up smoke signals for help. I measure the difference in serenity. Big difference.
I feel serene more of the time than not. When I’m not feeling peaceful, I can pinpoint the problem. It lies behind the fence: the Fogle Quarry. When I’m digging into the quarry of the past, I’m entering the insanity of mining my history…but why?
The Old Timers I admire avoid talking about their drinking days, their insane behavior, their war stories. They stay out of the field of memories and the wasted energy of digging up the past. I would do well to copy that.
We do not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, 2012, p 83.
Lately, I’m mostly able to keep my mind from trespassing into the past. Thinking on the past, for me, is just insane. With the help of God, just as Step 2 states, I have been restored from this insanity as well. I’ve worked through the issues of the past and I’ve made my amends. I know that God has forgiven me. I’ve also forgiven myself. The task of staying in the now, takes practice and was not an easy one. At this point in my recovery precious serenity is multiplied by staying in the now. No more trespassing.
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Disclaimer: This post does not address emotional trauma triggered by the past that would be best handled with a qualified professional, or at least processed with a trusted friend who has the skill to keep you safe in exploring those feelings. I do not advocate avoiding emotional issues. When we want to run or escape rather than face the pain, that’s when we need to get help to battle the past. Facing the fear leads to healing. This post is a reminder to those who have done the actual mining but persist in digging after the work is done.
Debbie– I’d say I like your comment but it brings tears to my eyes (too accurate). He does that sometimes, rescuing us. He gets the praise, for sure. Thank you for giving us such a vivid word picture of your experience. Wisely, your hope is in Him.
Heidi -
I started out just exploring the past until one day, I stepped into the quicksand.
For me it wasn’t quick so much as it was an almost imperceptible pulling downwards.
I was in over my knees before I noticed and by that point I didn’t much care.
I made a few feeble attempts at extracting myself and then just resigned from life altogether.
When the Lifeline reached me, I was buried so deeply in grief and guilt and despair that my shoulders were under and I couldn’t even reach for it.
Good thing God is good with a lasso.
Thanks for this ‘timely’ post!
MT- Very nice to have you in the group again! Thank you for stopping by and for your kind words of encouragement.
Debbie– One of the excursions we took on vacation this year was into a gold mine of Alaska. I think it influenced my thinking as I contemplated this post. Very intuitive of you. I’d love to see your poem. Do post it here when you get it!
Debby–I love the ‘How can grace get a hold of you when the past won’t let go of you?’ I lived like that way too long. What’s been interesting to me is that now that I’m conscious of watching my mind try to jump the fence and trespass into the past, I have a more realistic idea of just how much time I spent digging. What a colossal waste of time and a refusal of grace!
I included the disclaimer because I believe facing the issues from the past is a huge help to moving forward. Actually, if we just bury it, it rises up and bites us or haunts us for life. I’ve seen a lot of that in my family.
Caddo– Thanks for letting me know you read this. Glad to see you here.
Very well said Heidi… thanks for the encouraging words. Blessings
I loved how you paired this with mining and trespassing.
It has me thinking of getting lost in one of those “mine shafts” or the whole life thing just collapsing on me. Kind of what it feels like when we go back in after we’re already through there. Thank you Heidi for encouraging us to stay out of those dangerous places! God bless you!
p.s. I think you’ve inspired a poem in me . .I’ll bring it back if it turns out well!
Glad you added the disclaimer. I think for some new to recovery it can be hard to distinguish between the two kinds of past. I agree about the “war stories” being of no value and not a place to live or even visit.
I read this yesterday and it took hold of me a bit:
“How can grace get a hold of you when the past won’t let go of you?”
I think it helped draw attention to something in my life that is perhaps still a tender spot.
Good post, as usual, Heidi. Thanks.
Staying in the Now is best–and we all trip back and forth, from time to time. Good post, Heidi–God bless you Big!! love, sis Caddo