Step 3: I Swore I’d Never…
1. What did you resolve that you’d never do when you were a kid? (ask the question*)
I had a long list. Of the eight above, I only managed to avoid one completely. I’ve never lived in the ‘little boxes all in a row‘…unless being trailer trash counts.
2. What character trait were you afraid you might develop? (name the fear)
I am surprised how much my behavior through 6 decades has been framed around these fears: (corresponding to the list above my booster seat) I was afraid I’d be:
- unfaithful
- a workaholic
- disorganized
- predictable
- poor
- materialistic
- vain
- disloyal
3. How have you sacrificed in order to make sure it never happened? Or did it anyway? (what has this cost me?)
Where I violated the childhood resolves, I’ve paid dearly in terms of self-esteem and regret. My character defects glaringly contributed to all the self-betrayals. In some cases, I made foolish or impetuous decisions rather than come close to the breaking of those resolutions; in others, I’ve not only broken them, I’ve spent decades trying to extricate myself from the traps I swore I’d never fall into.
The Not So Scary Worksheet of Step 3 in the sidebar is one that helps me identify ways in which my self-will has contributed to much of the insanity of my life. My stubborn self-will and the attempt to control my own life have not worked for me. The more I dig, the more I realize that I was so busy trying to make my life work, that I missed knowing what God’s will for my life might be.
The resolves that I thought would ‘boost’ me into a life far better than that of my parents, have not worked.
Before AA I judged myself by my intentions, while the world was judging me by my actions. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, 2012, p 418
` PS: Can you think of a resolution you made as a child? What was the corresponding fear?
*questions from the Step 3 Not So Scary Worksheet in the sidebar
Judi– Starting to STOP a lot of the old thinking came with my first AA meeting. It continues to be a challenge. More things to stop all the time it seems… I’m so happy to see you here. Thank you for commenting.
I love your discussions Heidi! This part was very much me and it took Alanon in my 30′s to realize how little control I really had.
“The more I dig, the more I realize that I was so busy trying to make my life work, that I missed knowing what God’s will for my life might be.”
I still have some of it since there are so many years planted in the brain but I notice it more and work to STOP it when it starts. Great post.
Louise– Yes. Life does that to many of us. The one thing I would have sworn I’d never ‘stoop to’, I lived to experience, then I tried not to live when I faced it. I was so ‘fallen’ only He could pick me up. I thank God He has the solutions to all our failings. I guess some people never feel the need to be forgiven. Not me. Being forgiven for the shame I brought upon myself and others is one of the things that keeps me sober, in a lot of ways!
Unlike you and Debbie, I was not aware of being pushed to do more, achieve more, preform better (outside of the gym, that is). I cannot imagine the struggle to be perfect. No one ever looked at me and expected that. Kind of obvious, I think. But it turned out to be a real blessing. My heart goes out to the perfection pressured girls and women. I cannot imagine. Thank God for your hard-earned wisdom!
Thank you for adding your thoughts to GoodLife. We’ll save your seat!
Debbie– As you know, I’ve been wrangling with an emotional storm lately. Sorry to be late responding, everyone. More on that today.
Now for your comment, Debbie.
Wow. Well said. I like your response better than my post, once again!
“And no one has been more surprised than me.
Therein, possibly, was my greatest weakness – thinking I wasn’t vulnerable.
What did it cost me?
Nearly everything. Nearly my life. And I never saw it coming.
Thank God for grace that is greater than all my sin.
Still, I was the last to forgive myself.”
Please write about this on TMG. Most people will be able to identify. The hope…the hope is in His forgiveness and grace. Thank you.
my childhood was a constant push to do more and be more. adult. smart. quiet. honest. hard working. etc etc etc. there was no end to the unstated rules I must adhere to and the type of person i had to be, so I lived in terror of disappointing my keepers and bringing pain and shame down on me. as an adult, i had a few of these but I’ve done them all by now. life has a way of doing that to us, doesn’t it?
Heidi –
I don’t think I had a conscience list of ‘when I grow up I’ll never’ because I was so terrified of ever doing anything wrong that I assumed I wouldn’t. I didn’t have fears that I would do ‘bad things’ because I thought I would always be practically perfect. :/
I could make a list now, in reverse, of all that I’ve done that I would never have believed I would do – things that were sinful, hurtful, unwise and unloving.
And no one has been more surprised than me.
Therein, possibly, was my greatest weakness – thinking I wasn’t vulnerable.
What did it cost me?
Nearly everything. Nearly my life. And I never saw it coming.
Thank God for grace that is greater than all my sin.
Still, I was the last to forgive myself.
And it did take that – forgiving myself for not being anything like the practically perfect person I’d planned – for me to begin to grasp and extend grace.
It’s gonna be so fun, when y’all come!!
Caddo– Nope, no muddy. Makes perfect sense. Someday, we hope to be back to the Pacific NW and we’d love to have that chat. Thank you for your response, Caddo. I appreciate your being here so much!
When I read your post, I knew what your point was–and I suspect if I dug down deep I could find the “I’ll never’s” you’re speaking about, that create bars of our own imprisonment. But my “driving thing” popped to the forefront of my mind–and I didn’t divulge all the surrounding crap and drama about it. So when you and Debbie come for a visit–if we have time to talk about “hard stuff”, as well as blessings and laughs, I’ll clarify with the long version about driving. And when I said that I don’t regret the decision not to drive–I should have added that I DO regret that I felt it was a vital decision to make. Does that help any, or just muddy the puddly?
Debbie– I laughed right out loud at the ‘thinking’ comment. The one consistent statement I heard during my youth was, “You think too much!” It was not meant to be a compliment, either.
Yes, he does love us just the way we are. Very remarkable. Thank you so much for joining the circle here!
Sis Caddo– Thank you for stopping by. Yes, it is a great responsibility. I guess you make me think of the point of the things I swore I’d never do. I regret not the doing, so much as the life lessons that they stood for. Some of them were bars of my own imprisonment.
Jeff–Bravery? Not a bit. I was born that way. I had a friend tell me her first impression of me was, “Hey, these are my sins, you want to be friends?” Not that I’m proud of it — at all. I had certain characteristics that I thought I’d always have to hide and the ones that weren’t so black I was happy to admit to. Being prideful and stubborn and a slow learner are the obvious ones. Things like that are not hard for me to share. I keep a few back, trust me.
I had to pause when you admitted to lust, which is never a popular topic. Of course there’s more than one type of lust. During the political debates we won’t go there… I’m encouraged to hear you were forgiven by God and others. Yes, self-forgiveness isn’t automatic, is it? One well worth pursuing, however.
Thank you for your thoughtful and vulnerable response. It was what I was hoping for from those who can do it. Stop by, I’ve got fudgesicles in the freezer. We can slurp and talk about the pointless sin scales…
SP– Interesting… Thank you for contributing.
Debby– You’re so right. Surrender, acceptance, reality. Yes, the illusion of ‘control’ is just that. I like your description. Thank you for commenting.
Cathy–Did you say ‘were’? I have to smile at that! Me, too. Get back to me, will you, when you find out what they were? I have a few guesses. Thank you for commenting.
This one really makes us think! You are good at that, Heidi .. .thinking and making us think!
What I thought of was wanting so much to be remarkable in some way, fearing that people wouldn’t like me otherwise, or love me, if I was just me. Then I found out that God loved me as is . . .and that was remarkable!
God bless you!!!
I said I’d never drive; I was very fearful of responsibility–and driving is a great responsibility. I still don’t drive, and have no regrets about that. God bless you Heidi–love, sis Caddo
Great. Now I want a fudgesicle.
There are promises that I made myself (and others) that have been violated by a moment of selfishness and lust. As I look back on them, I find that I’ve moved on, by the grace of God. Not ignored, not forgotten…I’ll never forget the pain I’ve caused others by my foolishness. But God has forgiven me, as have those affected. Have I forgiven myself? I’ll get back to you on that. Thank you for sharing these intimate pieces of your life, Heidi. They are very inspiring, and I think it’s very brave of you.
Grace and peace!
Hi Heidi
I didn’t want to be my Mom and now I strive to be just like her – faithful, kind, caring and giving of herself
God Bless
susie
I’m a lot like Cathy. I just don’t remember. I really don’t have a lot of childhood memories. Not compared to my brother so maybe I should ask him
I know my attempts to control my life haven’t worked out either. Surrender is the better way yet I too often struggle with it. Control is a powerful demon and expert lier!
I love the video.!!! It’s very hard to think of resolutions from my childhood but I know they were there since I was so opinionated. I’m sure those around me could tell me what they were. Lol
It’s true though they dictate the will if held onto.
Hhhmmmm thanks Heidi.