You Don’t Say (to an addict)
By Heidi Fogle
There are many ways we can undermine ourselves with the words we use. That’s even more true when a person outside the recovery community is speaking to someone who’s a substance abuser.
You Don’t Say:
I know just how you feel.
You don’t. We’re all unique enough that we don’t want to hear someone make assumptions. It can feel like an insult.
I can help you stay away from your addiction.
You can’t. This is a red flag that could indicate you think you can cure the problem. You may want to seek help for yourself if you think you are the answer to someone else’s problems.
I said I wouldn’t, but OK. I’ll do it.
Wavering on healthy boundaries (like not giving them money) is undermining to your peace of mind and to their opportunity to face the consequences of their own choices. Increasing pressure of painful consequences is what brings most of us to recovery.
Say ‘yes’ when you really want to say ‘no’.
Though it may seem kind, it”s confusing to them when you allow yourself to be manipulated. They assume you will continue to bail them. Instead of seeking change in their lifestyle, you may unwittingly become a supporting factor.
You don’t have a problem.
If they think they have a problem, they do. Don’t argue. Addicts are masters at deception, so you can’t trust your own observations of the situation. You don’t have the facts.
There but for the grace of God, go I.
Really? God has made more grace available to you than to them? That expression can sound superior and insulting. Debbie covers this well on TMG.
I’m not an addict but…
Even if that’s true, why would you say it? It may make you feel better, but can you imagine how that makes a substance abuser feel? Probably not. Avoid the qualifier.
Much of anything …
When they’re under the influence: words don’t help. Wait until they’re not using, if you can tell.
Mostly listen. Say very little. Getting an addict to talk about their struggles is not easy. For the most part, addicts only trust others who’ve been there, so if you haven’t, don’t say much. Treat them with respect, which encourages confidences. By talking about how they really feel, an addict may eventually realize they need to get help. Statistically, if you’re an outsider (non-user), you have little chance of convincing them to change — and trying to do so will result in their silence. Show them love by listening, not talking. Continue to set healthy boundaries or you can even be a stirring example by getting help when you need it.
PS: Please check out Louise Behiel and her wise words: Substance Abuse Disorder or Who Me? A Junkie? Is there something you’ve heard that doesn’t help? Let’s add to this list in the comments.
Jeff– Thank you for stopping by. Always good to hear from you!
Good post, Heidi!
As a cue card for others. It’s uncanny how well you nailed down what some people say!
Cynthia– You bring up some good points. Tone. I’ve executed otherwise innocuous statements with a tone that made them into lances, lancing and then twisting the blade in the wound. OK Overly dramatic, maybe but true, sadly. Gentle and patient… good goals. Yes. Start with yourself. I’ve learned it’s the path to authenticity. I’m glad you found this today and really glad you shared your thoughts. Please come back, Cynthia. Welcome to GoodLife.
Al– for personal reference or for a cue card for them??? Ha. Thank you for saying this. I could write a book on all the wrong things I’ve said (let alone done!)
Thank you for your words Heidi!! Needed to read them today. Sharing the site with my daughter, who is struggling. In recovery myself, and I needed to read how tone, and the need to be careful where my words actually are coming from before saying them. The source of my authenticity impacts the delivery of my words. I’m learning how to be more gentle, and patient; not only with myself, but with those around me. Humbling.
Wow. i need to have this laminated and carry it around with me when i enter into a discussion with some people! Perfect.
If anyone is having issues with pictures not loading properly, please leave me a comment.
Debbie– Perhaps I asked you instead of anyone else because I already knew your answer and I was so carefully hiding the amount I drank… Don’t give it another thought! It’s history and only valuable as an example for teaching now. You’re wise in adding ‘behind closed doors or in closed hearts’. I think addiction almost inevitably closes hearts. There’s too much to hide so vulnerability becomes a liability. Thank you for your openness in commenting. You’re such a great example of a support person.
Of course I’m the one who kept saying “You don’t have a problem.”
I’m so sorry Heidi – I know you already know that.
This is such an important message.
We don’t ever know what happens behinds closed doors or inside closed hearts.
I like the combination of not saying much of anything, and Louise’s response: You may be right.
Debbie– What a sweet thing to say. Sending blessings right back to you and your daughter, too. I’m so glad you’ve begun to hang out with us. Just in case you don’t really know. I got all these ideas from finding out the hard way that they don’t work!
Louise– Ah. So happy to have you say that. “You might be right dear” is a really good idea! I would have to watch my tone, as you say but I do agree that it would be helpful. You may have inspired a future post. Thanks!
Catch Louise at louisebehiel.wordpress.com
Lori– Good to hear from you. I couldn’t agree more. The attitude of respect is difficult in some circumstances, but it’s necessary for building a relationship or maintaining one. I find I have to focus on what they say, not what I think. That helps me stay connected. Self-righteousness is a relationship killer in any circumstance. Thank you for commenting on this important topic that touches us all.
Cyndi– Your chair’s been here waiting. So glad to see you here! I’m honored if you think this may help your group! Thanks for saying so.
Cathy– Good questions. I find that as long as I allow the other person to really tell their story and wait until they ask about me, I’m usually not shutting them down. I don’t make a habit of turning the conversation to myself, but I will share if they ask or if it seems relevant. The danger in this situation is that it’s easy to identify with their struggles sometimes and then I want to talk about me. The focus has to stay on them, what they want to tell, what they ask to hear. It’s easier to think about doing this than to actually do it. The sharing if limited to my experience, strength and hope can be a conduit for more trust. It’s tricky. You’re so right. I never say I understand. I don’t.
Thanks for the thoughtful comment. Glad to have you here.
Thank you, Heidi . ..so helpful. I know I’ve done some of these . ..so I really appreciate the lesson so as not to again! God bless you and all the ways you bless others!
wonderful post, Heidi and thanks for the shout out. Glad you liked my post on addictions. One of the things I learned to say to my using alcoholic husband was “you may be right dear”. Not in a condescending otne but simply in a straight forward tone of voice which helped me to stay out of the arena. So often what we say (as you’ve so eloquently mentioned) fires up their denial, antagonism, anger and rationalizations, that it is important we know when to keep quiet and when to speak up. That was one of my most difficult lessons in al-anon.
Very good, thank you Heidi. My sponsor from alanon had four grown sons who were recovering addicts. She used to tell me that the thing that bugged them the most was when she told them she loved them. According to her, her love merely made them feel guilty. As for me, I found that my attitude of self-righteousness helped to contribute to the problem.
Thanks Heidi just fits our meeting last week we
talked alot about boundries many are struggling thanks for your wonder words. I am printing this to take to meeting on Sunday
Heidi,
You don’t say !! This is so important to be said and heard.
Thank you.
Question. No two addictions are alike even if they are of the same substance and addictions come in a hundred different forms. Is it best to never mention you have struggled with one as well to possibly provide a segway for openness or is it just best to not mention it ?
Of course never to say you understand because I dont believe anyone can, nor can they even imagine. Or as in Alanon share what was true for me and my addiction or not at all.
Really? That makes me smile! Thanks for the encouraging words.
Heidi this is excellent! You continue to inform me as I learn how to better serve those in my charge. Thank you.