Step 3: Remodel Me
My most traumatic experience with remodeling isn’t filed in a picture database anywhere. Indelibly, it’s stored in my memory and flashes each time I read Step 3:
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, 2012, p 59
I’m talking about the biggie: telling God He can take over — being done trying to control how my life works. I wrote about that very private moment in the corner, on the floor in Step 3: Part 3 Decided to stop singing I Did It My Way.
Life has never been the same, and for that, I’m thankful daily. It’s a mystery to me when I talk to someone who wants to avoid taking this Step. Fear of spiritual remodeling shouts to them in voices I can’t fathom. It makes me want to transfuse some of my faith into them (gimme that vein) and hand them a sweet morsel of the encouragement that I’ve received from spiritual development. But that’s not how it works, is it? So I ask some questions.
At the worst, what might God ask you to do with your life, if He was in control?
I love the answers to this one. I’ve heard: make me stay single for life; make me leave my family; make me stay single for life; move me across the country to a strange place; make me stay single for life; make me dull and boring… (If it were a contest, ‘stay single for life’ is the winner. When did God get the rep for being in the single-making business?)
What’s the scariest part of what you fear He will do?
Usually the answers are a variation on the ‘hole in the donut’* theme. Fear whispers that He will make us into bland little cookie-cutter conformists. Hmmm… Show me one spiritually remodeled individual fitting that description because the most unique people I’ve ever met have been x-drunks or reformed control freaks. They are also some of the happiest and thankful people I’ve known. One last question.
What have you done to make sure this doesn’t happen in your life?
There are so many things that I stooped to doing in order to sustain my self-built life. The picture is depressing. I thought, Heidi knows best. It’s my life, after all.
Yes it was, but I still have no business trying to construct it. In hindsight, it appears God was waiting for me to resign the job of head. It’s a messy process but first, I had to stop listening to the fear of spiritual development, of being remodeled.
PS: *You can read about the ‘hole in the donut’ concept on page 36 of the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions. Back in the 30s this was the metaphor for our innate fear of letting God’s will control our life. The questions are from the Not So Scary Worksheet of Step 3 in the sidebar.
Yep, we switched. I’m ok. I am.
Mel–Switching to email, dear friend. You’re fine. We’ll talk.
I guess i don’t know how to give my will over to God, perhaps because i can’t, or won’t … so i can’t “fix” my 80%. Is it because i drink? Drink moderately. Are we mixing up my “issues” Heidi?
Mel- Of course you don’t make me nuts. That’s a job I’ve handled all by myself many times! So tell me more about your question so we can brainstorm. Or email me, of course
I must make you NUTS!!!!!! I think my background leads to a FIRM belief (or disposition) to CHAOS … so maybe 80 %! How do i fix that one
Mel– 99? Wow. Bless your heart. “We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not.” p 58. No kidding!! For me, the Steps are the easier way.
I do love Louise’s comment. That is exactly how I feel. So maybe i’m 99% there with trepidation (?) … but CARE is a biggie … it is less rigid than CONTROL of God. God will not (per se) CONTROL me rather CARE and watch over me. Awesome.
Mel– I am encouraged by your comment. Control issues? Who, us? Step 3 is only making the ‘decision’ to let His will become more important than our own. “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.” So… you’re saying you are no longer even 50/50 with your will verses His will? Making huge progress! Also, I would highlight ‘God’s rule’ and suggest that you consider how it would feel if you were replacing that with His care. See Louise’s comment.
Wow, some inspiring comments. All good. I still have my control issues, and it’s not making me terribly misserable: It’s making me really slow. But i’m patient, and i’m a lot more comitted to letting God rule than Mel.
Debbie– You couldn’t have said anything nicer. Thank you for noting that you can come here for encouragement and help.
Sing it! “brave enough to ask God what He wanted for me (instead of asking Him to bless what I wanted for me)”! Wow. That could spur a whole series of posts. Taking this and thinking about how I did the very same thing for 5 decades…
Debbie– I am so impressed with your willingness to share here. That, by itself, is evidence of your growth. I like the way you describe the fleeting rewards of destructive behavior. What you say is true for all: “Only God, in His great and amazing grace, could save me from myself”. By the way, the gratitude you express is an ear marker for real surrender. We’re fighting the remodeling, or we’re still the head contractor when we’re whining, running, complaining and asking ‘why’.
Debby- Thanks for taking the time from this busy week to stop by. Love having you here!
Caddo–I like the reality of the excitement of change, possibilities, the vision that you speak of. I’ve found that growth occurs in me seasonally, too. God does vary the process, taking time for the rewiring, as you say, so that I can move into the new spaces in His timing. The whole result of my taking the Steps has been a continual discovery of the unique me. Making choices based on my individuality is bringing me along a path I never could have predicted.
No, you’re not dull and boring! I love it when you’re here. Thank you for your contribution.
Louise– This distinction resonates with many. Thank you for your comment. Most people who begin the Steps are not in relationship with a Higher Power of any kind and are shut off intentionally from the sunlight of the spirit because of damaging experiences with organized religion. Thank you for the illustration of what ‘clicked’ with you. Once I trust His love, I can trust His plan, as well. Until then, I’m in a contest of wills… and we all know how that turns out!
This is so good, Heidi, and the comments are so good too. What a great place to come for encouragement and help.
When I finally got brave enough to ask God what He wanted for me (instead of asking Him to bless what I wanted for me), I expected to hear how I needed to be a better wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend , neighbor, etc. etc. Instead, He told me He wanted me to be a song for Him. I’m not musical, didn’t know how to exactly be a song, but my faith and trust in Him exploded 1000% that night. 
God bless you as you “sing” for Him too!
Heidi – Great and thoughtful post.
Easy answer for me to answer questions 1 & 2 – stop doing what I was doing.
I knew the truth, but knowing it didn’t set me free because of question 3 – I wouldn’t hear it.
First I stopped listening which of course led me to stop asking.
I was a committed Christian but in spite of all the pain I was in, I didn’t want to give up the tiny bits of reward my destructive behavior provided, even when the reward was so fleeting I didn’t want to live any longer.
Only God, in His great and amazing grace, could and did, save me from myself.
I’m thankful every day that He did.
The comments really added to this Heidi. I enjoyed all!
PS–I also LOVE what Louise said, that God’s “Control” is all about His CARE for us!!
I LOVE this, Heidi!! It was a number of years ago that I realized God had a Reconstruction job in mind for my life. At first it was exciting, like all new projects seem in the beginning–but then you get into the messy parts, all that sandblasting and stuff–and sometimes I just had to take a break and let God work on the “wiring” or something. We’re not finished yet, never will be–but things are shapin’ up gloriously, I must say! I’d also have to say I was more “dull and boring” before the remodel–I’m anything but that now, from the responses I get. And I guess I’ll never understand why people fear “being single”, or as you noted, think that’s God Plan A. Oh well–it may have been Plan B (for Better) for me. God bless you BIG–love, sis Caddo
my biggest aha with step 3 was that I turn my will and my life over to the CARE of God. not the control of God. I realized that when I go away, I turn my home over to the care of my daughter. she doesn’t sell it or paint it or move it. rather she ensures that no damage happens while I’m gone. and if somehting ugly should happen, she is authorized to fix it and minimize my loss.
when I realized that this is step 3, for me, I fell in love with the step. it’s always about God’s protection and love. and it doesn’t get any better than that.
great post Heidi
Cathy– You’re in my prayers today, Cath. Actually, I think you’ve struck on the answer. I didn’t mean that we do the work, either. He does. What we contribute is the willingness to be remodeled. Sounds like you’re ready to resign as the head contractor… good for you!
I want to hire out the remodeling. No takers. Not even God. He’s my first pick but He wants me to do the job while He tells me each and every step but I can’t. It hurts too much. I don’t have an ounce of what it takes. Not one.