Confessions of an Albatross
I find I often think of the club in Iowa where I first attended AA meetings. Symbolically, it’s located between a fast food corner and a quick fix repair shop. Nourishment and fixing. Yup. I mentally roam the upstairs halls, hanging out in the corner room, nostalgic for my home group.
Just yesterday I paused in the hall at the corner coffee pot in my mental exploration. There’s a room straight ahead that is used for Al-Anon at the same time as my 9 o’clock meeting for AA. Should my room haunts include some of the Al-Anon wisdom, as well?
I don’t own any Al-Anon books, but I realized yesterday that I’m ready to start letting God work on my ‘care-taking’ tendencies, of which I thought I had zero! Worse than not identifying with caretakers, I’ve been proud not to be in that group. Gradually, I’m seeing that I may have Al-Anon issues.
Those start in my toddler-hood, a time of life that I’ve revisited lately. I’m the eldest, with my brother being 2 years my junior. Mom constantly told me I was the responsible one, with Randy being the baby. I willingly hovered, sharing my ways, hanging over his head, ‘taking care’ of his needs. I became his teacher/guiding light… yup. His tattletale, his shadow, his albatross… (Albatross symbolizing a psychological burden that feels like a curse — not what I wanted to grow up being.)
Sparing you the whole novella here and forwarding to the summary paragraph. Randy’s relationship is a great joy to me while also reminding me of that older sister mindset. It isn’t, however, the motivation for getting help. For the past year I’ve struggled unsuccessfully to remove myself from my typical responsibility/teaching role in key relationships. It has become apparent to all in my immediate circle that I have the habit of teaching instead of being a friend when someone is in crisis. I’m supremely comfortable being a mentor and grossly uncomfortable stepping out of that status into friendship. (Echoes here: What about my lesson plans?)
This drive to be the mentor can be an avenue to enabling, right? The more I hang my ‘albatross wisdom’ from their necks…the more they feel inadequate…the more they ‘need’ me…! Hang on. I’m diving off this merry-go-round!
I need to let God fix this dysfunctional heart of mine. I’m not capable of fixing anyone. No, I’m not. Truly.
I didn’t see this coming, but I am facing it. I’m ready now to retire from that teaching position in people’s lives when they are in crisis. Thus, the glance down the hall…
I would guess the next move is to simply start over with the 12 Steps in Al-Anon and supplement my recovery work with wisdom from there.
I feel so awkward about all this, which I suppose is typical, but I sure don’t want to stay in this spot! Plenty of earnestness here and willingness to be honest (if one can even be a personal judge of that). Sounds like Step One to me:
Step 1 – We admitted we were powerless over our addiction or dysfunction – that our lives had become unmanageable
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PS: So, there you have it! I’ve browsed Amazon for books but I decided to ask for suggestions from my Goodlife Group first.
I always have found your sharing to be worthwhile, even though I don’t struggle with the alcohol. Your posts apply to all of us living the game of life.
Mark– You made me smile with your apt illustration of fix-its in my number of easy steps. I’ve even offered to send them an email delineating each one so they don’t get confused… shake me, please!
And their perspective of the problem? No. Really, they almost never get the real problem – ha.
Your summary was so spot on that I feel like you must know me, which alcoholic to alcoholic, you do. That’s the joy for me in this fellowship of recovery. While you make me laugh at my foibles, you also give me hope that one day I’ll stop…just stop this insane behavior.
I am going to write out the Promises and let them sink in. God has used the promises in my life often. I need to remember that what He wants to change in me He can accomplish in His timing. That removes the angst… Thanks for the help. You’ve often been a teacher to me (in a good way)!
Foe me the “art of enabling as a teacher” goes like this. You are having an issue with something or someone and tell me about it. I immediately tell you how to fix it in ___ (fill in the blank) easy steps. In so doing I have relieved of the burden of solving it yourself, whether you asked me to or not. Sometimes, I will even go so far as to correct you as to what the real problem is. In that way you don’t even have to identify the issue and I can assume the burden of what the problem is and how to fix it.
Awesome, right? No, it is totally not my place to do any of the above. It is your issue, and I am suppose to listen. I may comfort and understand, but I do not need to make it a life lesson for you. I am not on this earth to teach others how to live or answer their questions. Not without a solicitation. The dynamics change if you ask my opinion, or advice, in dealing with something in your life. Even then, I must be careful not to misunderstand your share and be sure you are asking for my input.
Just went through this with my adult children, and neither one wanted my advice. They just wanted me to listen and tell them I love them. It took me a day, because my first instinct was to teach them a life lesson. Thank God for AA, The Steps and The Promises; “intuitively know how to handle situations that use to baffle me.”
Mel– It’s Ok to the degree that my investment is ‘healthy’. When it’s not OK is when I find that I’m enabling again because I want to be the solution or the conduit to the solution, if that makes sense. I have more than one relationship at present that caused me to take a really good look at my behavior and the investment that I bring to those relationships. It’s out of whack, if I can say so. My life would be so much more serene if I only applied the 12 Steps to my need to control to some degree the decisions that these people make. God can help me. I cannot help myself. Seriously, I’ve tried for years and just didn’t see that this was beneath the chaos.
Awesome realization! I have a hard time telling people what to do because i DO NOT like people telling me what to do … OR … i’ll do what i want and “leave the rest”.
Wouldn’t that be ok for you? People taking some of your advice, and leaving the rest … and then letting them stumble … or maybe find another way to “get their live(s) together”? Much love, caring woman!
Caddo– You have really made me chuckle. I am so glad that you experienced this. I hope some day to be able to say that! Thanks for being here.
Debbie– This is not who I’m going to be, God willing. I am looking forward to this new perspective. I’m always happiest when I’m learning and sharing what He shows me. And yes, He blesses me beyond belief! Thanks for your visit. I appreciate your comments.
Debbie- Interesting word picture! I want to learn when to pay to play and when to walk away. You’re so much encouragement to me. Thank you for that and your kind words.
Judi– This is an encouragement to me. Thank you for your understanding. I’m looking forward to learning more and growing softer… ha.
Nancy– Nah. Not a struggle to disclose my struggles. So easy that it can get to be a bit much, but I’m glad you find something worthwhile in my writing. Thanks for the comments.
Lori– I treasure my old AA book and look forward to new paper-bound friends! Thanks for your encouragement and for sharing in the discussion. Merry Christmas everyone!
Cathy– I love your comment. You get what I mean about the enabling and creating a cyclical pattern. Yes, we are flipping sides of the hall for a bit. You with your dependence and me with my obsession to fix problems for people. Happy trails!
Ruth– I’m mostly a teacher with some counseling attributes, that’s true. I am so happy to be seeing with new eyes how important it is to me that people take my example and apply it in a way that leads to real problem solving and changes in how their lives work. It’s too important to me, beyond the healthy coming alongside. Check out my answer to Mel. I don’t want to become redundant. The more I do what comes naturally to me, the more trouble I find in my life. That’s the exciting part of the 12 Steps for me. The application of the wisdom keeps me aware of new areas that I can turn over to Him. You’re so right.
Mel– I’m glad it was good timing for you to read this. No, I’m not taking on peoples’ woes, you’re so right. I’m not a good one to contact if the agenda is whining. I believe for every problem, there is eventually a solution… maybe just acceptance but that’s a solution. But as Debbie alludes to, I love to solve problems and furthermore, I like to share what has worked for me in similar situations. The problem being, that as Cathy says, I have become too invested in what certain people decide to do when it comes to taking or leaving my example. That’s not healthy for me or for them. I am excited about looking at my approach with people and learning how to be healthier for my sake and for theirs! So if they take my example and have issues from there, they have to come back and ask again what to do and I created an ongoing circle of advice/obedience, not a circle of loving acceptance. Does that make sense?
Women want to “fix”–must be part of the DNA. An interesting thing happened to me recently–I got so busy that I didn’t have time to enable someone. Very freeing. God bless you BIG–love, sis Caddo
You just keep blessing us, just by being you and sharing right where you are at. I read this and think how wonderful that you can see this and understand and keep moving, keep changing. You don’t say, ‘this is just the way I am, like it or lump it’. Huge lesson right there! Thank you and God bless your earnestness and willingness to be honest and all He wants you to be.
If you, my friend, are the nickle, I’m the quarter. Both slip in a slot. Your slot is your natural tendency toward teaching and your love of problem solving. Mine is my natural tendency toward counseling and pleasing.
I’m the quarter because takes more to keep my machine running. There’s nothing wrong with the currency we carry – we just both need to learn when to keep our ‘change’ in our pockets!
You are wise and hands down the most open person I’ve ever met. Thank you.
You and Cathy point out the biggest revelation I had at Al-Anon. I thought I was in control. Wrong. Though the youngest in the family, it seemed my “personality” was to take care, rescue and save everyone. I know I still have some friends who seek me to be that for them. I agree with you that I too don’t want to be the savior but to help them find their own answers since their life is different from mine. I look forward to what you will share.
Your introspection is always thought provoking. As the oldest child, I do have to be careful of the tendency to dictate and control, to make the relationship a reward for both parties. I don’t know how hard it is for you to bare yourself in your blog, but I always get something out of it to apply to my own life.
Nancy
I really like Cathy’s advice here on being a good mentor. She has some really good points (thanks Cathy!).
Nancy
Wonderful introspection and realization, Heidi. I still have my old books that are falling apart, from al-anon. I even posted a blog with one of the pages a while back. I trust you’ll do well. BTW, I’m the oldest too, my brother is 3 1/2 years my junior. Our relationship is distant, at best. Not with lack of trying for more on my part (after finally letting go and accepting what is). Blessings to you on your new journey, and Merry Christmas.
One good book for Alanon is “How Alanon Works”. Dark blue book. We actually get them for 5 dollars. There is a lot in there. We’ve had many a good discussions from it.
Pathways to Recovery is another. Lots of good questions at the end of chapters to make you think things through.
The drive to be a mentor ” can” lead to control but doesn’t have to. It’s the letting go of having to tell them what to do and being I invested too deeply in what they choose to do. It’s “being” there. Sharing what has worked for us. END. Asking thought provoking questions to help them think thi gs through. Motive is brought up a lot as well. Because we Alanoners like to manipulate, manage and control. Therefore the constant redirecting of keeping the focus on ourselves. Taking care of us. Many of us don’t know who we are because we have focused on others for soooooo long.
It is an adventure of discovery, truth and loving ourselves and others just how they are.
Good for you Heidi. It is your willingness, vulnerability and courage to be aware if what God is showing you and then to take the next step.
We are flipping sides. Ha! Geesh. But of course.
Many Alanon use the AA big book too. After all, all 12 step programs are derived from there. It’s all so intertwined.
Cathy
I love your honesty. You might just be a counsellor-mentor personality type! Or a teacher – all versions of Keirsey’s “Idealist” types. See http://www.keirsey.com/4temps/overview_temperaments.asp for some more on this. All types unconsciously use forms of coercion in their intimate relationships – it’s part of being human. Being human is no cause for flagellation, but an opportunity for accepting awareness. Then God can do the rest.
Wow, is THIS good timing. Enabling as a “tell me all your woes” friend can turn oneself into a very POOPED out person. I have taken the “dump” for so many people that i sometimes leak my troubles onto others. I pray i’m not an albatross to anyone, and i think i’m willing to make better boundaries (or restructure) some of my relationships: But why would someone want my friendship if i didn’t make them “feel better”
. The problem is, my head is going to snap off, and i haven’t sorted my own schtick.
Enabling as a teacher? Could you explain? Are you secretly taking on peoples’ woes? You don’t strike me as a person who coddles … Can you tell us more?