Step 1: Obsession and Al-Anon
I love how I fit in with the drunks of recovery. Seamless, really. I’m naturally selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and fearful. The program fit me like my favorite wine glass fit my hand. Recovery has been hard work, but I’ve loved it. I had so far to go and so much to learn, and then so much to share…
It’s taken me over 5 years to see that I need Al-Anon to supplement my primary program of AA. I finally saw that I was obsessed with other people’s recovery, with ‘helping’ friends and family, with teaching what I’ve learned in a way that might bring change to others. Obsessed is never a good place to be, even if it’s fueled by a Step – or I thought it was.
Step 12 – Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, 2012, p 60
I was trying to carry the 12 Step message to others, and trying to practice the principles in my daily life. But, I was too invested in the decisions of certain people and found that I was living each day focused on their life, sometimes on their recovery, to the detriment of my own. This was not a good application of Step 12 and those closest to me were aware that I was getting out of balance. I was moving into dysfunctional behavior.
It was becoming an obsession, this helping. I constantly tried to think of another way to do or say something to ‘help’ others. Just as a typical Al-Anon would pour out the booze, make excuses for the alcoholic and try to talk some sense into them, I was coaching, calling, emailing, counseling, and fretting my way into insane behavior. It’s called obsession. It is.
I cannot force others to recover, to be healthy, to admit their addictions. I cannot work the program for my friends, rescue my mother, nor conquer all my issues in 5 years. I had to stop. I just had to. I realized that my life, though sober, was becoming unmanageable again – and the unmanageability was not over my situation, it was over other people’s issues. How sick is that?
It was harder to admit than being an alcoholic! Truly. I never wanted to be an Al-Anon, but here I am. I am one of those people who try to ‘change others’. Sounds really twisted to me. I don’t like it a bit. Give me an allergy of the body and an inability to stop after one. That makes sense. This doesn’t.
Obsession is ugly. I want to shed it.
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over our addiction or dysfunction – that our lives had become unmanageable.
Sounds right.
PS: Ask away. I’m sure you’ve got questions. I do!
Thank you so much for stopping by. Your words are an encouragement.
Heidi, welcome to the fellowship. Admitting my powerlessness over my loved ones might be the hardest thing I’ve ever done in 5 decades of living. I need to give it over, every day. The only way I could do it is with the support of others and a loving higher power.
@Ruth, I love the Rumi poem. I hadn’t seen it before. I have serenity when I can live this: “The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in.”
lots of good groups. I had to try several people as sponsors until I found someone who worked
Lori– Don’t worry, giving myself enough rope to… well, you know. Being hard on self (see response to Iceman) isn’t my big worry. Step One and Two are a welcome sight!
Debbie– Sometimes I think you 3 Debs must be related. How’d y’all get to be so sweet? But thank you, seriously…
Al– ha. You made me snort (as in gulp/chuckle, that is). Too good. Thanks! So where do I dump the bodies, now?
Louise– Thank you, thank you. Given your professional background, I’m really grateful for the encouragement to go for it. At the end of the first week, I was started to ‘self-correct’ and think that I really overreacted. I’m in the process of trying to find an Al-Anon sponsor. (Any suggestions, anyone? Pretty much has to be online because of my work/living situation and isolation out here in the boondocks!) Thanks for your reminder to keep giving up and just give in. I will do that.
Just don’t be too hard on yourself. One step at a time. It’ll come. Hugs.
Thank you for the way you are so honest and deal with the hard things . ..in yourself! You inspire me .. always! love and prayers!
My sponsor defined for me what the limit is between helping and getting in the way. “Carry the message and not the alcoholic.”
I knew about addiction first hand – my binge eating had made me crazy. but al-anon? no way? until I couldn’t stand my reaction to my hubby’s drinking and I gave up and gave in. it worked wonderfully well. I don’t know why all of us fight it so hard because everyone can benefit from al-anon, imo.
Daily is a good thought. Proactive! Boundaries are difficult when you have compassion.
Debbie– You along with the other Debby are in serious danger of being spammed into my trash by virtue of prejudiced commenting.
However, you do know me better than anyone else and had I listened to your wisdom all along, I would be a lot further down the brambled recovery path instead of just discovering the opening in the hedgerow! Ah well, God’s timing, let’s hope.
Yes, the very word enable makes my gut twist. Me? A pox upon me, dear sister!!! I can only pray that God continues to remake me in His image, sooner or later… whenever. Acceptance seems appropriate. Thank you for your wisdom (however ignored and typically disregarded).
Judi– Yes, I think you’ve nailed it. Being a natural teacher, I fell right into overdoing it! ha. I am never so happy as when I can ask Him to rescue me from myself. One would think I might work that into a daily practice… food for thought. Thank you.
Lori– Love all Step 5 stuff, anyway, so I guess you’re right. It’s the Step 4 that was a brain twister for me. I didn’t mind looking at my faults, but I had a hard time finding a way to be sure it was ‘right’. ha. More symptoms of the addictive personality that I am. Looking forward to the time I can look back, if you know what I mean. I want to be able to ‘catch myself’ and not just find myself flat on my face again wondering what happened… I know God’s timing is the best and I take solace in knowing I’m right where I need to be (but I’m ready to get back up!) Thanks for your understanding as usual! Keep that chair warm, as more is to be revealed and you can bet I’m going to share it.
Debby– Aw, shucks! You’re just a fan and I’m going to have to start spamming your comments if you keep it up! Seriously, if you think it might help others, I can continue to hope that my dirty laundry, half washed, but not rinsed, may do some good for someone. Thanks for being so consistent a support, seriously.
Iceman– Very encouraging comment. Everyone seems distressed about my being ‘hard on myself’. I’m either unaware of my emotional pain to the level that it reveals in the posts, (self-deceived again) or I don’t mind being all out there. I hope it’s the second one and truly I don’t need comfort as much as encouragement. Your comment about the solution was more than a pat on the back and was inspiring. Thank you. I can tell from your site you’ve been where I am now. Thank you.
Ruthy– Acceptance is a huge part of the AA program, as well. Acceptance and surrender are peace producing attitudes that I resisted most of my life. A small taste of them in the first Steps convinced me that I wanted more, but somehow even though I intellectually desire them, I reflexively resist… Part of being human and yet I know that God can continue to refine me as He wills and as I cooperate. I liked the poem. Thank you for sharing it. Thank you also for being in our little circle.
Heidi – You’re such a gifted teacher and so love to solve problems – any kind of problems – that the transition over to “our side” came naturally.
I know you’ve never identified with those of us who are so willing and able to enable,
Maybe because there’s a difference in stye and probably also in motive.
But you’re insightful and honest and willing to look at yourself and change like no one I’ve ever known. It’s remarkable, really and such an amazing example. Thank you!
Our good points – over done – can become our undoing. I’m proud of you for recognizing that and sharing this journey with us. Thank you!
This is an awesome confession, and sort of a step 5, since you’re admitting it to yourself and others here on the blog. It may be driving you crazy, but in you sharing it, I find it inspirational! Wow! To say it was harder to admit than being an alcoholic! You see, us “fixers” don’t have alcohol to blame as the culprit of our behavior. I’ve tried to fix other people’s behavior problems to the point that my pushing my “answers” on them became my own behavior problem. And I wasn’t drinking! Be patient with yourself. I let go a little bit at a time over lots of time. If that makes sense. Still, sometimes I catch myself, but then I readjust. Blessings to you, Heidi. I get it.
Don’t think I can say it better than iceman18 so I won’t try. I will offer, the world is filled with people obsessed with fixing everyone but themselves. Yet they remain deep in denial there’s a problem with that. I applaud you for, once again, admitting and taking it so far to do it publicly. Amazing really, and an example that will help many.
Recognizing the problem puts you already into the solution. That started to happen to me at 5 years and just continues to build momentum. I didn’t realize I had so many TO fix. But, the good news that I have found is, once recognized, corrective action can be taken quickly.
Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’ve just entered another level of understanding and clarity. That’s what all the hard work has been about up until this point. Right?
Heidi, you know I love your honesty and my heart goes out to you. We are as we are. Each of us is flawed and the flaws are always our “growing points”. You don’t need to judge yourself – be kind and know that you are growing. Do you know the poem by Rumi, the Guest House? See http://www.panhala.net/archive/the_guest_house.html. Part of the Way is to greet, welcome and observe the thoughts and feelings we don’t like in the same spirit as those we do like. Paradoxically, we can only shed what we first accept without judgement. Rumi’s poem always nourishes me when I need to remind myself of this. Which is every day!