Not in My Wheelhouse
There are certain people in my life that I am now willing to see…really see. I’m not pretending they are someone other than themselves. I’m not even pretending they are the potential that I see. I am seeing them for real…at last and I’m seeing them out the door of my wheelhouse.
Who’s not in my wheelhouse:
- This great-grandmother who will now never be freed from harsh and controlling relatives
- This professional woman who continues to push others away with her anger, manipulations and defensiveness
- This gal who refuses to set aside the perfection pretense, and show herself as a real person with flaws
I took off my Attagirl Captains Cap and started learning how to ‘detach with love’. Caring, not curing is my agenda. For the time being I’m closing the wheelhouse door, making very little contact with my co-dependents.
Therefore I’m not:
- Obsessed with their everyday schedule
- Providing support by the bucket-loads in email, social media or by phone
- Diligently donating my emotional energy to fighting their battles
- Patching myself together after they ‘let me down’ again
- Trying to manipulate them into seeing reality, but rather recognizing my own
What is in my wheelhouse:
- My attitude and voice tone
- My expectations of others
- My schedule, to some extent
- What and whom I listen to
- How I spend the hours that are mine
I admit:
- I’m angry with myself for obsessing
- I’m feeling stupid for not seeing any of this sooner
- I’m wishing I were just a drunk and not also a co-dependent
- I’ve moved from feeling sorry for them to occasionally feeling sorry for myself (also not good)
- I don’t really like people, after all
After cleaning out my wheelhouse I find I’m a little lonely. This is a good thing. It helps me focus on my spiritual life and I’m enjoying being more open to Him. As my focus moves inward, I’m finding that I have plenty of issues that God might want to change, in His time. I’m not going to be able to cure anyone else and I can’t cure myself, either, but I can stay willing. That’s in my wheelhouse.
`PS: Is your wheelhouse crowded? What else might I need to clear from my wheelhouse?
Debbie– Ha. The toe is all better. I walked again today. God is blessing my journey all over the place. Thank you for dropping into your chair and speaking up! Good to see you!
Lori– Not too fond of all this negative stuff. I am still working on making sure I take notes regularly. Surprised, actually at the negative emotions. It’s been a long time since so much has surfaced. Good to get it out. Thanks for the 5! High 5 to you, too!
Nancy– I am learning, learning that many addicts end up in CODA or Al-Anon. It’s been interesting as I explore this. Thank you for stopping by.
Maura– What a nice thing to say! Love having you here. Please come back.
Cyndi– You mean clear out the wheelhouse? I have no minors that I’m responsible for and I live several states away from everyone, so it’s probably easier for me than many. Thanks for coming to the circle!
Debby– Cause, control and cure… trying to remember those. Thanks for your consistency and encouragement.
Ruth– I’m not familiar with these. Will check it out. Thanks for being here and grabbing a seat! Please come back, we’ll save your chair.
I loved the caring not curing too. Take care of yourself and your toe!
God bless you heaps and bring many wonderful things back into your wheelhouse!
You’re getting it Miss Heidi you’re getting it. You’ll find yourself feeling new emotions as you go through this stage. Don’t judge those emotions, just feel them. It’ll all smooth itself out eventually. You probably have all the same mottos in AA, and one of them is the 5F’s. Find it, Face it, Feel it, Forgive, Forget. Keep up the good work.
Setting boundaries is hard. It’s very easy to get sucked back in too. Keep on chipping away it – you’re learning and growing!
Nancy
thank you, if i were a writer, what i read here is what i would write …
BRAVO!!!!Wish I could do the same serenity prayer is my mantra
“Caring not curing” – so key for everyone! Seems that co-dependants start at the same place alcoholics (and anyone looking for truth) do: I am powerless. Good post, Heidi.
I have no advice on what to clear from your wheelhouse, but it’s taken me a lifetime to begin to distinguish between what is properly “my business” and what isn’t – what’s yours/theirs. I have to work on it daily, observing from a place of witness. As long as my mind and heart are open to God and this is my primary orientation, change happens. Do you find the Tao Te Ching useful? Wiliam Martin’s version is inspiring (they aren’t all so good.) Also, for me, Byron Katie has the “your business, my business” distinction pretty well sorted, but she isn’t everyone’s “cup of tea”.